my journey with nose cancer

an update ...... 3 years on

2010-04-16T14:27:00.020+08:00

More than 3 years have passed since that fateful day. My journey with nose cancer has been an unforgettable experience and I'm thankful to God for walking with me through "the valley of the shadow of death".

The recent CT scan taken in March 2010 showed no new tumours or signs of cancer. This is the 1st time in 3 years I have received an overall "all-clear" report. I'm thankful to God for the good results.

Here's a brief chronology of my cancer journey :
2006 - diagnosed with Stage 2 NPC (nose cancer), underwent radiotherapy
2007 - CT scan picked up tiny nodules on right lung, metastasis suspected
2008 - underwent lung resection (keyhole surgery) to remove 3 cancerous nodules
2010 - CT scan showed no tumour on lungs & other parts of body

"I will praise you, O Lord my God, with all my heart;
I will glorify Your name forever.
For great is Your love toward me;
You have delivered me from the depths of the grave."
(Psalm 86:12-13)

eternally grateful to our eternal God,
sockkim

living each day by God's grace

2009-07-09T12:57:00.041+08:00

A bear, a lion and a pig meet.

Bear says : "If I roar in the forest, the entire forest shivers with fear!"

Lion says : "If I roar in the jungle, the entire jungle is afraid of me!"

Pig says : "Big deal .... I only have to cough, and the entire planet lives in fear!"

Humorous but true. The pig or swine, regarded as the most unclean of all animals, has instilled fear around the world. It has affected the way we carry out our daily activities.

I have two follow-up consultations at the National Cancer Centre this week. One of the appointments was postponed from May to July because of MOH's orange alert for H1N1. Non-emergency cases were moved to a later date to reduce the number of patients coming to NCC each day as cancer patients were believed to be more vulnerable to the H1N1 virus.

The atmosphere at the National Cancer Centre is now very different from before. The clinics are quieter & less crowded as there are less patients & visitors. This translates into shorter queue & faster service. How nice! Everyone is also required to wear a mask. You need to be able to recognise people by their eyes or voices. How fascinating!

So how do I fare this time? All the test results are normal. My lung is my main concern, so the good x-ray result is comforting and reassuring. Medical tests & results do not only tell me where I am but they also indicate to me if I am on track.

Life after cancer brings many new challenges. One common question cancer survivors often ask, "Is there anything I should do to keep cancer from coming back?" In my case, what should I do to prevent cancer from returning to my nose or lung or spread to other parts of the body? Doctors do not have the answer. So I look for my own answer.

Qigong exercise is one new activity I have picked up. Qigong is said to be a good exercise for cancer survivors as it helps to improve blood circulation & strengthen the immune system against diseases such as cancer. Qigong works on the premise that cancer cells cannot thrive in an oxygenated environment. Qigong uses deep diaphragmatic breathing method which is the proper & healthy way of breathing. I never knew there is a correct way of breathing. And I never knew I had not been breathing correctly all my life.

So now I take lessons once a week & make it a daily discipline to practise qigong every morning. Will qigong help to keep my cancer in check? I hope so. If I don't try, I won't know. And even if it doesn't work, it doesn't matter; at least I get to enjoy the exercise. I will do whatever I can possibly do to keep my body & lungs strong & healthy. I will leave to God to do the impossible for only God can.

I'm thankful that each day is a gift of grace from God,

sockkim

goodbye to cancer?

2009-03-12T15:45:00.043+08:00

It has been more than 2 months since my lung operation in Dec 2008. What's the latest?

The PET scan I did on Monday has given me an "all-clear" sign, at least for now. The PET scan report, which I collected yesterday, made this conclusion : "No new metastases are seen; no evidence of local recurrence." What this means is there is no sign of cancer in my nose, lungs or other parts of the body. This is indeed good news. Thank You, Lord.

To the uninitiated, PET (Positron Emission Tomography) scan is a diagnostic imaging technique that can help detect suspected cancer, show the effectiveness of cancer treatment & check for recurrence of cancer. But PET scan is not always 100% reliable in detecting cancer. There could be false positives or false negatives. (That was what happened last year when PET scan failed to pick up cancer in my right lung.) Because PET scan is rather expensive (SGH charges $2700 & there is no govt subsidy), doctors usually recommend it only if it is really necessary.

Back to my story ...... so, can I say goodbye to cancer? Is there undetected cancer in my body? Will cancer return? Have I been cured of cancer? No one knows, except God. The only guaranteed assurance I have is that my life is eternally secure in God.

What's next? My oncologist says there is no need for chemotherapy treatment but he will need to monitor me closely. The 1st 5-years are crucial for cancer survivors. I'm now in the half-way mark. According to my surgeon, 20%-30% of patients with metastatic NPC to the lung will not suffer a relapse. Past statistics showed that 70%-80% of patients might suffer a relapse. Statistic is only a number. Whichever side of the statistics I'm on, I know that God is on my side. And God is all I need.
"Be at rest once more, O my soul,
for the Lord has been good to you."
(Psalm 116:7)

thanks for being a part of my life these 2-over years,
sockkim

xin nian meng en!

2009-01-29T18:55:00.009+08:00

Happy New Year to you!

Yes, I'm back. I had a wonderful time in Batu Pahat catching up with family & friends. But I'm happy to be back in Singapore too ..... because I cannot stand the water & mosquitoes there! The water in BP has a horrible taste and the mosquitoes are attracted to me. I must say that Singapore has spoilt me with its clean water & clean environment.

I terminated my global roaming service last year as I seldom travel out of Singapore. As a result, I received your sms-es only after I arrived in Singapore on Wed. For 7 years, I had paid $5 pm for something I hardly use. Isn't that silly?

"May the God of hope fill you with all joy & peace
as you trust in Him, so that you may overflow with hope
by the power of the Holy Spirit." (Romans 15:13)

here's wishing you a fruitful year,
tsk tsk

balik kampung for CNY

2009-01-24T15:39:00.005+08:00

Today I "balik kampung" to Batu Pahat for Chinese New Year. Each year might be my last new year so I will make an effort to go back to my hometown to have reunion dinner with my parents & siblings. One month after my recent lung surgery, I think I should be fit to travel the 3-hour journey by road.

Xin Nian Meng En!
tsk tsk

cancer recurrence? yes, cancer has spread to my lung

2009-01-06T23:16:00.023+08:00

This is the news everyone has been waiting for.....the biopsy results.

Backgound : 3 nodules in right lung were removed on 22 Dec 2008

Bad news : metastatic NPC to lung ("metastatic" means cancer has spread to a region remote from its site of origin. In my case, it means cancer has spread to my right lung from its site of origin, the nose. This is not the same as primary lung cancer. Metastatic cancer is also called secondary cancer.)

Good news : the cancerous nodules have been taken out

Treatment : since the cancerous tumour has been removed, chemotherapy might not be necessary. I will have a better picture when I next see my oncologist in Feb.

Chances of cancer recurrence : there is a chance cancer might return in 70%-80% of cases.

Prayer : praise the Lord the cancerous tumour has been removed. Please pray that I will fall within the 20%-30% , that by the mercy & grace of God cancer will not recur.

"I love the Lord for He heard my voice;
He heard my cry for mercy.
Because He turned His ear to me,
I will call on Him as long as I live.

The cords of death entangled me,
the anguish of the grave came upon me;
I was overcome by trouble & sorrow.
Then I called on the name of the Lord :
"Oh Lord, save me!"

The Lord is gracious & righteous;
our God is full of compassion.
The Lord protects the simplehearted;
when I was in great need, He saved me.

Be at rest once more, O my soul,
for the Lord has been good to you."

(Psalm 116:1-7)

Thank You, Lord for You are so good to me.
Thank you, dear brothers & sisters, for praying.
The journey has not ended. Please uphold me in your prayers.

tsk tsk

happy birthday, tsk

2009-01-05T21:05:00.009+08:00

According to western tradition, there are 12 days of Christmas. Jesus was born on the 1st day of Christmas - 25 Dec. I was born on the 12th day of Christmas - 5 Jan. Yes, today is my birthday.

Friends know that I do not like to celebrate birthdays. Just an sms or card will do. I prefer to spend a quiet day with the Lord.

But today, I received some surprises. Yesterday night, a friend brought me a small cake & flowers. Today, 2 friends came to share some brief moments with me. Another friend sent a basket of flowers & gifts by delivery. Some sent greeting cards & sms messages. To all who have remembered the day of my humble birth, I say "Thank You."

Tomorrow is D-Day. It's the day I receive the biopsy results. I hope for the best but am prepared for the worst. On this night before D-Day, I am filled with God's peace & presence as I submit myself to God's sovereign will.

"Let the morning bring me word of Your unfailing love,
for I have put my trust in You.
Show me the way I should go,
for to You I lift up my soul.
Teach me to do Your will.
for You are my God."
(Psalm 143:8,10)

Lord, into Your hands I commit my life,
tsk tsk

thank You, Lord

2008-12-31T23:15:00.012+08:00

About 25 people turned up at the Thanksgiving Open House today. Thank you for coming to celebrate God's goodness with me. Your presence & prayers were a great encouragement to me.

To those who couldn't come but had sent their well wishes via call, sms or email, thank you. Thank you, Ai Fong, for initiating this Thanksgiving Open House. Thanks also to those who had cooked or bought food. Each one of you had brought cheer to my heart. Thank you for spending the last day of the year with me. Thank you for leaving behind such sweet memories.

Thank You, Lord for 2008 -- for joy & sorrow, for roses & thorns, for sunshine & rain, for calm & storms, for mountains & valleys, for laughter & tears, for pleasure & pain, for hope & despair, for health & sickness, for peace & turmoil, for comfort & grief. Thank You, Lord for Your strength & grace to live each day.

You can view some photos under the heading, "Thanksgiving Dec 2008" on the side column.

"(We) will celebrate Your abundant goodness
and joyfully sing of Your righteousness."
(Psalm 145:7)

thank you for journeying along with me this past year,
tsk tsk

God's food angels

2008-12-29T14:50:00.009+08:00

Before my surgery, some friends asked me out of concern. "You live alone, who is going to look after you when you are discharged? What about your meals, who is going to cook for you?" My reply was, "God will provide."

I know that God will provide. God had provided in the past. This time, God will provide again. I did not make any arrangements for post-surgery care. I did not inform my family in Malaysia about my surgery. I did not wish to cause them unnecessary anxiety or worry. My family does not read my blog as they are all Chinese-educated. Only my elder sister in Singapore & my younger sister in Taipei are aware of my condition.

My job is to rest well & trust my Heavenly Father to provide. My Father's job is to provide all my needs, just as He has promised in Matthew 6:25-34. And He has.

On the day I was discharged, Ai Min offered me her ensuite room with maid services to help me recuperate until I was well enough to look after myself. I was overwhelmed by her love. But I declined her kind offer.

From the day I was discharged, the Lord began to send His food angels. Each day, someone will volunteer to bring me home-cooked food for lunch or dinner. Some brought me groceries or brewed health tonics. Only the Lord could mobilise these food angels to minister to my needs. I am truly touched by their love in action. I feel so blessed to belong to the family of God.

Lord, You are my Jehovah-Jireh. Thank You for providing all my needs.

tsk tsk

open house on 31 Dec 2008

2008-12-28T23:48:00.011+08:00

Dear brothers & sisters in Christ

I underwent lung surgery on Mon 22 Dec 2008 to remove some nodules on my right lung. I was discharged on Fri 26 Dec 2008 after 5 days in the hospital. The operation was successful & I am recovering well. All praise & glory be to our God Almighty.

I would like to thank each one of you for standing by me & praying alongside me in my journey through cancer. Some of you had wanted to visit me when I was warded but I had to post a “No Visit” request on my blog in the first 3 days as I was too weak to receive visitors. I was in great pain & discomfort. But I received a Christmas gift from the Lord when my condition improved by leaps & bounds on Christmas Day. Those of you who visited me on Christmas Day were surprised at my quick recovery. Again, all praise & glory be to God.

My BSF Teaching Leader, Yang Ai Fong, suggested holding an Open House at my residence on Wed 31 Dec 2008 from 1pm to 4pm. The purpose of this Open House is to give thanks to God. This Open House will also allow those who had wanted to visit me at the hospital but could not. I understand that some of you had actually planned or gone to visit me at SGH Ward 56 on Sunday thinking that I was still warded!

Open House means free-and-easy, you may come & go as you wish. Some simple food & drinks will be provided. Ai Fong had graciously volunteered to bake a turkey, to make up for my spending Christmas in the hospital!

I would like to invite you to this Open House. This Open House is open to anyone who would like to visit me. I will post this invitation on my blog too as I do not have everyone’s email addresses. RSVP is not required.

Here are the details of the Open House :

Date : Wed 31 Dec 2008
Time : 1pm – 4pm
Venue : Hillview Regency (please sms for full address)
Request : please DO NOT bring any gifts as there is no more space in my small humble apartment.

(If you are driving, you will be directed by the security guards to park on Level 4 & above at the multi-storey carpark. Ground-level parking is for residents only. Take the carpark lift to the ground floor, the first tower you see is Tower 1A.)

thank you for walking with me through this journey,
sockkim

a word of thanks to PS

2008-12-27T22:25:00.012+08:00

Hi everyone, this is tsk. I am back.

I was discharged on Friday, 26 Dec 2008 after 5 days in the hospital. I am happy to be home. I am thankful to the Lord for all that He has done.

While I was hospitalised, PS had worked hard to keep this blog going so you could keep praying for me. "A friend in need is a friend indeed." "There is a friend who sticks closer than a brother" (Prov 18:24b) - these aptly describe my dear friend PS.

At the hospital, PS kept a daily vigil at my bedside, praying for me & sharing my pain with silent tears. She was an angel sent by God, always appearing at the right time when I was in a critical state or when I needed company. On the day of my discharge, PS spent the whole day with me at home, cleaned up my apartment, arranged with Ai Fong to deliver my dinner & made sure I was well enough to look after myself before she made her way home. And she is a mother of three.

BTW, it's time to reveal the true identity of PS - her real name is Phaik Sue. The nurses saw her everyday so one day one of them asked if we were sisters. PS replied, "We have the same Father but we are not sisters." Yes, we are sisters-in-Christ. PS hailed from Melaka, I from Batu Pahat but we met in Singapore through BSF. I thank God for BSF. BSF has given me not only spiritual food but a support group of sisters who have rallied around me in my journey through cancer.

PS, thanks for your love & the sacrifices you have made in looking after me in my time of illness. Lord, thank You for bringing PS into my life.

"...... I was sick and you looked after Me .............
whatever you did for one of the least of these brothers of mine,
you did for Me." (Matt 25:36, 40)

To all who have prayed & pleaded with the Lord for me, thank you. I know that God has heard all your prayers for I have recovered faster than I had expected.

All praise & glory be to our God.

tsk tsk

Surrender !!!

2008-12-26T20:45:00.006+08:00

Help! I give up, I surrender !!!

This tsk is just too much, she is getting out of hand. Maybe her brain fell out of her head. Ask her where her brain is, then you'll know what I mean.

She sent this : Where my turkey? If don hv, ham oso can. If no ham, salmon boleh juga.
She said this : What, no chaffeur!? When AM offered her nice quiet ensuite room and helper, after she gets discharged.

Well, I am very, very happy tsk is her naughty self again. It is hand-over time. I (ps) enjoyed blogging over the past few days, but I have had enough fun. So bye, everyone! Tsk is back!

2 Thes 1:3 We ought always to thank God for you, brothers, and rightly so, because your faith is growing more and more, and the love every one of you has for each other is increasing.

Thanks for praying, ps

Thanksgiving

2008-12-26T20:30:00.004+08:00

Philippians 1:3 I thank my God every time I remember you.
Philemon 1:4 I always thank my God as I remember you in my prayers.

It is Boxing Day, and we give thanks to God as always.

This morning, tsk had a few visitors, and they are the last ones to visit her.

Please don't come. Tsk is not in SGH anymore, she has run off home. This is just great news for all of us who are supporting her in prayer.

Last evening, tsk thought she would have salmon for special Christmas dinner, when she looked across the other patient's food tray. What a let down, it turned out to be papaya slices in the cling wrap.

Tsk's saliva drooled all the way to AF's house. So this evening, AF brought a wonderful dinner to her home. Porridge, with salmon and vege!

Thanks for praying, ps

Christmas presents

2008-12-25T22:10:00.006+08:00

Phil 4:19 My God shall supply all your need according to His riches in glory by Christ Jesus.

Tsk received a wonderful present from Dr Koong this morning. First, he sent tsk to get her lung x-ray done. Her lung was clear, so the drainage tube could be removed. Her oxygen and catheter tubes were also removed. No more tubes! So she's free to move about already. She may even be discharged tomorrow.

Tsk also received a record twenty visitors today. They brought much encouragement, smiles, laughter, carols, gifts and even turkey porridge! But for that, she had to sacrifice her beauty sleep.

After talking, practically non-stop to her visitors, tsk was still not tired. Oh dear! She even had the strength to take a nice, warm bath. And all by herself! After that, she still had the energy to solve sudoku puzzles!

The power of prayer! When we worship the Lord by praying to Him, glorifying Him, witnessing for Him and submitting to Him, He works on our behalf. Our dear tsk is recovering extremely well!

Thanks for praying, ps

About key-holes

2008-12-25T10:10:00.002+08:00

The nurse changed three dressings yesterday. So tsk thought she had three key-holes.

Well, today, tsk looked for the three key-holes, but found only two. There were three stitches at the back, and six stitches under the arm pit. The third dressing, which she thought was for another key-hole, was actually for the drainage tube.

Yes, all our praying has made tsk sleep well and eat well. She has certainly regained a lot of her strength. So much that she can even go look for her holes.

Thanks for praying, ps

Blessed Christmas!

2008-12-25T07:15:00.000+08:00

Have a very blessed Christmas!

Reporting on tsk

2008-12-24T20:20:00.002+08:00

Psalm 67:3,5 May the peoples praise you, O God; may all the peoples praise you.
Psalm 69:30 I will praise God's name in song and glorify him with thanksgiving.

Tsk is definitely improving. We praise God and we give Him thanks!

She has been sleeping well, this is great for quick healing. The IV line has been removed since she can eat better - porridge which comes with some meat and vege. She is out of bed now, she can sit up on the arm chair beside her bed. But she cannot move around yet, because of the tubes. She has a new 'toy' to exercise her lungs.

The nurse changed her dressings today. Apparently, she has three key-holes. Guess where?

Tsk's throat is dry. She cannot talk too much. Be thankful.

Tsk was fore-warned by the doctor. Ocassionally, she does experience PP (piercing pain).

Thanks for praying, ps

A taste of tsk's sms-es

2008-12-24T15:47:00.006+08:00

Hello dear friends,
Let me also share the sms-es I have been receiving from hospital ...

Going sleep now. She needs her beauty sleep.

If poss no visits as still weak cant talk pain. Leavg 4 op room now. Pray. Blog. Instructions from tsk.

I surprise too. Mayb long dlay, doesn't want me too weak go thru op. Father noes best. Guess there's emergency case last min, mine can wait. God heard ur pyr. Dr just calld up nurse 2 giv me milo n biskut! Going take showr. Hungry but must not eat or drink. Before the op.

I peaceful. Must b d power of all ur pyrs. Thank you to all of you, she appreciates your prayers.

Or mayb drug addict on high. That's what she said she may be like after op.

Going take nap now, sleepy. Told you, she needs her beauty sleep.

I hope you enjoyed reading them as much as I have. Please continue to pray for tsk.

Thanks for praying, ps

Encouragement from all of you

2008-12-24T15:13:00.006+08:00

My dear friends,
These are some of the messages I (ps) have been receiving ... let me share.

Will keep on praying for quick recovery, ability to eat and less pain.
Yes, praying for Tsk's speedy recovery.
I will continue to remember her.
Yes, it's wise not to visit her first as she'll need plenty of rest.
We'll continue to uphold her in prayers.
If there's anything I can help or do for TSK, pls don't hesitate to tell me.
Pls call me as and when you need someone to fill in a gap to do anything.
I read part of her blog and my heart went out to tsk.
Been praying that she is given the best medical advice, and for her spiritual strength to go through another big trial.
I have fond memories of her and would like to help.
When I read of situations like TSK's, my own is so small in comparison.
I am available most of the time.
Yes, I would like to go together with you.
I can provide meals, transport and house chores.
Will keep her in prayer and will visit her at sgh.
I will be there.
Will be praying.
I'd love to be able to support her thru prayer and presence.
The blog of SK really saddens & pains my heart.
I can spend Christmas morning with tsk.
Pl put me down for Dec 24th Wed afternoon.
I will visit TSK when I can for next week.
You may want to let me know what things I can pick-up (buy) for her on the way to hospital.
I can make porridge or oats, with minced meat or butter and milk?
OK, am glad to hear good news.
Sure, please put me in.
I go to the market (mon to fri, not on rainy days) in the mornings and usually I will pass Sock Kim's place. If u need any help, pls let me know.
May we remember tsk in our prayers.
PS, what can I bring for SK tmr?
I read TSK's blog, and my heart goes out to her.
Will visit SK after the op.
I am lost for words.
If she doesn't eat, it will be my lunch! Heh heh.
Let me know when and how I am needed ...
I'll be able to stay with her till evening.
Let me know timing so I can be there.
Will block Monday for her ...
Will make myself available.
Does she eat ham or turkey or salad?
Dear SK, got your heartbreaking news. Will go on my knees for you.
Been praying & will continue to pray. Psalm 41:1-3.
Dear SK, the Lord bless you & keep you & comfort you with these words from Isa 26:3-4.

With Christmas looming close and as I reflect on and give thanks for all the wonderful things, I count myself blessed to have been through BSF and for a support group like this. Each one of you are surely doing what the Lord admonished us to do. I am so deeply moved by the love, support and care provided and I know that Sock Kim must be so very touched as well. If each Christian lived our lives like this, surely the world would want to know our Saviour! Thank you for your labour of love and your love for the Lord in ministering to Sock Kim!

Thanks for praying, ps

Improving

2008-12-24T15:05:00.002+08:00

My dear friends,

Praise God!
Rec'd an sms from tsk: Dr Koong visited. Lung doing well. Histology results not out yet. Can remove oxygen and lung tubes tomorrow. Now off glucose. Can eat without throwing up already! Can receive visitors tonight.

Her address: SGH ward 56 room 24 bed 1

Thanks for praying, ps

Christmas Eve

2008-12-24T10:00:00.004+08:00

1 John 4:7 Dear friends, let us love one another, for love comes from God. Everyone who loves has been born of God and knows God.

Thanks for praying!

Tsk is feeling better. She managed to take oats for breakfast this morning. Yay!

Do pray for her to eat and drink more, to regain her strength. Please continue to pray for pain relief.

I know many of you wish to visit her. Thank you for such love and concern for tsk. I think she will be ready for visitors tomorrow - Christmas Day! Please try to visit about 12-2pm or 6-8pm, during her meal times. She'd like to take her (beauty) nap in the afternoon.

Thanks for praying, ps

Post Op

2008-12-23T22:10:00.001+08:00

1 Thes 5:16-18 Be joyful always; pray continually; give thanks in all circumstances, for this is God's will for you in Christ Jesus.

Thank you for praying! Tsk slept quite well last night despite the pain.

This morning, the doctor allowed, and the nurse encouraged her to take porridge and milo. She tried to drink, but could not hold it in. Not yet.

Tsk stabilised, so in the afternoon, she was moved to the general ward. Still, with all her tubes - oxygen, catheters, IV line.

At dinner time, Tsk tried some drink and tried a few (tiny) mouthfuls of porridge. Oh dear, still cannot hold in her intake. And she's beginning to feel weak and hungry.

Dear visitors, please note. Tsk is very thankful that some of you were planning to visit her tomorrow. She is terribly sorry, she doesn't think she would feel well enough to have visitors yet. Please do not come.

Please continue to PRAY:

for her pain management.
for the nausea to go away so she can eat and drink, to get stronger and better.

Thank you for praying, ps

Giving thanks

2008-12-23T22:10:00.000+08:00

Psalm 118:21 I will give you thanks, for you answered me; you have become my salvation.

We give thanks:

the Lord guided Prof Koong & his medical team to perform the operation well
there was no complication during & after the operation
the operation was successful, the three nodules in the right lung were removed
there is some post-operation side-effects (eg numbness, pain)
whatever the result (malignant or benign), the Lord will grant tsk His strength & peace as she goes through yet another trial

We give thanks!

Out of OT

2008-12-22T21:00:00.001+08:00

Col 1:3 We always thank God, the Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, when we pray for you.

Tsk is out of her 55 minute-operation. She is in very stable condition. The pre and post took a long time. She left the ward about 2.10pm and returned at 7.30pm.

The doctor said that the three nodules were removed, and that the other parts of her lung looked clear.

Tsk is in great pain. Please pray for good pain management.

Thanks for praying, ps

Operation still on

2008-12-22T17:34:00.006+08:00

Psalm 139:10 Even there Your hand will guide me, Your right hand will hold me fast.

How encouraging to know that : God was already waiting for tsk in the operation theatre and He is still holding her hands!

Hello to each and everyone of you. It is about 5.30pm now. Tsk is still in the OT. Please continue to pray for her. After the operation is over, she will be in the high dependency ward.

Thanks for praying, ps

Operation

2008-12-22T14:22:00.000+08:00

Finally, Tsk left her bed about 2.10pm to go for her operation.
We trust and pray.

Thanks for praying, ps

Good morning!

2008-12-22T08:26:00.009+08:00

Psalm 5:3 In the morning, O LORD, you hear my voice; in the morning I lay my requests before you and wait in expectation.

Thank you for praying for tsk! She feels at peace!

It is about 8.30am now. Tsk is up already, but not in the OT yet. The operation has been delayed. She is hungry, no food or drink. Yet she has been allowed a snack of milo and biscuits (by the surgeon). We may not know, but our Father knows best.

I will update again when I receive more information.

Thanks for praying, ps

tsk at SGH ward 56 room 24 bed 9

2008-12-21T22:30:00.006+08:00

Thank you to the Sunday visitors! Tsk had a good dinner. After the x-ray, she had a wonderful supper. We pray she is sleeping well tonight.

Please note, the operation is about 10am-1pm, tomorrow.

Please remember to pray that :

the Lord will guide Prof Koong & his medical team to perform this delicate surgery
there will be no complications during & after the surgery (eg no infection, stroke or bleeding)
the surgery will be successful in removing the affected areas in the right lung
there will be no or minimal post-surgery side-effects (eg numbness, pain)
whatever the result (malignant or benign), the Lord will grant tsk His strength & peace as she goes through yet another trial

Tsk really, really appreciates our thoughtfulness. But, please respect her requests. Please do not come before the surgery, or visit on Mon or Tue.

Thanks for praying, ps

PS takes over

2008-12-21T12:00:00.001+08:00

By the time you read this, I would have checked into SGH Ward 56.

I would like to announce that PS is back today as my personal manager. Welcome back, PS!

While I'm warded, PS will update this blog to keep you posted on my progress. Blogging is the preferred mode of communication so there will be no emails during this period. SMS messages will be sent out only for urgent prayer requests. Please read this blog for the latest news. Try not to jam PS's line with emails or smses unless necessary. Yours truly will resume writing when I'm discharged.

May I wish you a God-blessed Christmas & New Year,

thanks for praying,
tsk tsk

life may be unfair but God is good

2008-12-20T23:59:00.008+08:00

On this night before I am admitted to SGH tomorrow for a lung surgery, my mind travels back to the events of the last 2 years.

I discovered I had nose cancer (NPC) in Aug 2006.
I underwent 8 weeks of radiation treatment in Sep-Oct 2006.
The MRI scan done in Jan 2007 confirmed the nasopharynx area behind my nose was clear of tumour.
My first annual CT scan in Sep 2007 showed sub-cm tiny nodules in the right lung.
A follow-up lung scan in Mar 2008 confirmed 2 nodules in the right lung, "suspicious of metastasis".
PET scan done in Mar 2008 could not determine if the nodules were malignant.
My second annual CT scan done in Nov 2008 made the same conclusion, "suspicious of pulmonary metastasis".
My oncologist referred me to see a lung surgeon.
On 11 Dec 2008, Dr Koong advised that the nodules should be removed as soon as possible.
The surgery was fixed on 22 Dec 2008.

In the 2 months between Nov & Dec 2008, there was fear & anxiety within me as I tried to make sense of what was happening. But as I confide my fears & anxieties to the Lord, I begin to feel God's peace & presence within me.

I learned from my oncologist that rarely does NPC spread to the lungs. According to him, the number of such cases so far could be counted with one hand. And one of them has to be me.

Why is life so unfair? I recently read an RBC booklet of the same title, based on the story of Asaph who wrote Psalm 73. Incidentally, one of my favourite verses is Psalm 73:26 - "My flesh & my heart may fail, but God is the strength of my heart & my portion forever."

Life may be unfair but God is good. God has been my Strength in times of adversity. God has been my Hope when everything seems hopeless. God has been my Peace when my heart is gripped with fear & uncertainty.

Life may be unfair but I will trust my loving Father all the way. This is because I know that God is too wise to make mistakes; God is too good to make me suffer for no reason or purpose.

I pray that it will not be cancer. Even if it is, I will still love the Lord my God with all my heart. Daniel's words came to mind :

"If we are thrown into the blazing furnace, the God we serve is able to save us from it, and He will rescue us from your hand, O king. But even if He does not, we want you to know that we will not serve your gods or worship the image of gold you have set up." (Daniel 3:17-18)

As I lie on the operating table on Monday morning, I know that you will be on your knees praying for me. I know that the Lord will be with me in the operating room. God is our Creator, our Divine Physician, our Healer.

See you all after my surgery,

tsk tsk

tsk's prayer request

2008-12-19T23:32:00.009+08:00

Below are some details about the surgery.

Hospital : Singapore General Hospital
Admission date : Sun 21 Dec 2008, 1pm
Operation date : Mon 22 Dec 2008, 8am
Surgeon : Prof Koong HN
Length of surgery : 2-3 hours
Ward : Blk 5, Ward 56
Length of hospitalisation : about 7-8 days
Visiting hours : preferably lunch time & evenings (no visits on Mon, Tue unless necessary)

note : no phone calls, sms is preferred

Please pray that :

the Lord will guide Prof Koong & his medical team to perform this delicate surgery
there will be no complications during & after the surgery (eg no infection, stroke or bleeding)
the surgery will be successful in removing the affected areas in the right lung
there will be no or minimal post-surgery side-effects (eg numbness, pain)
whatever the result (malignant or benign), the Lord will grant me His strength & peace as I go through yet another trial

thanks for praying,
tsk tsk
hp : 9107-0036

has cancer returned?

2008-12-12T23:24:00.019+08:00

It had been an agonising 2 weeks since I received my latest CT scan results on 26 Nov 2008. Has cancer returned? Is the time-bomb in my right lung about to explode?

This is the second time in 2 years the report says, "suspicious of pulmonary metastases". This means cancer is suspected to have spread to the lung. The nodule on the upper lobe of my right lung has increased in size from previous 0.2cm to 0.6cm. There are 2 other smaller nodules on the lower lobe. The report sounded like a second death sentence. I wished it was a mistake. I wished it was all a bad dream. I wished I did not have to relive the agony of cancer.

My oncologist looked worried. He showed me the scanned images on the computer. I saw the 3 nodules. He added cautiously, "we don't know if it is cancer but anything that grows at this rate is likely to be cancer." Dr Wee gave me 4 options to consider. I asked to see a surgical oncologist. He referred me to Prof Koong, the head of surgical oncology at NCC, who specialises in lung cancer.

Prof Koong was on leave, so I was scheduled to see him on the day he returned - 12 Dec 2008. But on Tue, his nurse called to ask me to come a day earlier. I am thankful to PS who took time to be with me. Prof Koong patiently explained the need for surgery & advised that the surgery should be done as soon as possible to prevent further complications. The nodule tissue will be sent for lab tests to determine if it is malignant (cancer). This is a major operation which will take probably 2-3 hours. Post-surgery side-effects include temporary numbness & occasional pain.

Prof Koong gave 2 available dates for surgery - 22 Dec or 19 Jan. We decided on the earlier date although I felt it was too soon. The idea of going for surgery made me very scared. Eight years ago, I underwent a 4-hour surgery to remove a thyroid nodule. I know what it's like to go under the knife. Now I have to go through another one again.

22 Dec is only 10 days away. I will be warded for about a week. This means I will be spending Christmas at SGH. My first Noel in a hospital.

"My flesh and my heart may fail
but God is the strength of my heart
and my portion forever." (Psalm 73:26)
thanks for walking with me through this difficult journey,
tsk tsk

50kg at long last

2008-11-20T23:35:00.003+08:00

I am required to do a CT Scan (from head to abdomen) on my anniversary month every year. After I did the scan this morning at NCC, I went to weigh myself at the same weighing machine. I had done this for the last 2 years. Different weighing machines show me different weights, so I only trust this particular machine for consistency.

I was happy I finally weighed 50kg. It has taken me one whole lifetime to reach 50kg. This gives me a BMI (Body Mass Index) of 19.5 which is within the normal range. My BMI used to be 18.5 or less. I was underweight for most of my life. It's such an irony of life - some people try so hard to lose weight while I try so hard to put on weight.

I will know the scan results next Wed when I see my oncologist.

thanks for praying,
tsk tsk

a tearful farewell

2008-11-08T23:26:00.010+08:00

My BSF Teaching Leader, Ai Fong, retires this year after serving 12 years as TL in the Queenstown BSF class. Today we held a farewell lunch in her honour.

The celebration began with a cheery mood but ended with a "teary" goodbye. The master-of-ceremony got everyone's head cracking as she quizzed us on how much we could remember our lessons from Matthew. It was fun as we tried to recall the miracles, parables, beatitudes, Jesus' sayings, His birth, life, crucifixion, burial, resurrection, etc.

The mood in the room turned sombre when it was time for each representative from Admin, Discussion Leaders & Children's Leaders (CLs) to give their farewell speeches. Yours truly was given the honour to represent the CLs. Ai Fong was visibly touched by the speeches. It was a tearful farewell. Not an eye was dry. We presented Ai Fong with a "Memory Book" which was a compilation of "memories" contributed by each leader.

Lord, thank You that Your Word has changed the lives of many through the BSF ministry. I am one such person whose life You have impacted.

tsk tsk

time out from BSF

2008-10-12T23:28:00.040+08:00

“My son asked if you could teach him again next year. I told him you are leaving BSF,” one BSF leader told me at the Leaders' Meeting yesterday.

These words warmed my heart. God has indeed impacted the life of this boy. Teaching the Senior Level at the BSF school program has been very fulfilling. It is a joy to see young people yearning to know God & hungering for His Word. It is an encouragement to see them growing in the Lord. I am thankful I can be a part of this boy’s spiritual journey with God.

Doing God's work has its share of discouragements too. But our Heavenly Father knows how to handle them. In my 10 years as a BSF leader, God had never failed to send someone to lift me up whenever I had felt like quitting. Last year, God sent a 7-year-old boy to encourage me when I had thought of leaving BSF (see blog entry on 28 Aug 2007).

Yes, I am leaving BSF after 10 long years of service. This is the 3rd time I have asked the Lord for permission to leave. This time He granted my request. I call it my one-year sabbatical but my BSF co-labourers call it a secondment. I need time out from BSF to settle some earthly business before the Lord calls me home. Like the prophet Elijah, I also feel burnt-out & need a personal retreat with God to reflect, to refresh, to rejuvenate. And if God willing, I would like to go back to school not to earn another degree but to equip myself further for God's service.

Nose Cancer Support Group
Another reason for my sabbatical was because I felt the calling to commit one year of my life to serve in the NPC Support Group. NPC-SG is a nose cancer support group under the auspices of the National Cancer Centre (NCC). This support group was set up in 2005 to provide an environment for emotional support & sharing of experiences among NPC patients & survivors. It organises talks & activities to help patients & survivors cope with nose cancer (NPC = nasopharyngeal or nose cancer).

I have been with this support group for the last 2 years. We meet on the 1st Friday of the month at the NCC premises. I believe it's important for cancer survivors to meet other survivors who share the same experiences, walk the same journey & speak the same language. Life after cancer is a totally new experience for every survivor; there are anxieties, challenges & frustrations along the way. The cancer support group is the place to meet similar people who understand what we are going through & remind us that we are not alone.

With the growing membership, the NPC-SG committee has felt the need to set up a website. But this project has been put on hold for 2 years as no suitable person with writing ability could be found. The committee chairman approached me for help as he felt I could contribute in this area. I thought & prayed hard. It took me many months before I said yes. I wasn't sure if I could be fully committed. I will simply take one step at a time, trusting God to lead me to do what He wants me to do.

tsk tsk

what did ENT say?

2008-09-18T23:57:00.016+08:00

Thyroid Ultrasound & Biopsy Results
The ultrasound showed 2 lesions of 0.6cm & 0.5cm in the upper pole and a small nodule of 0.7cm x 0.4cm in the lower pole of my left thyroid. But they appear benign.

Occasional dizzy spells & falling sensation
Dr Ng did some physical tests on me. I was asked to stand with eyes closed, lie down, turn my head & so on. I think I "failed" the tests. He suspected I might have problem with my inner ear. He said this could be caused by radiation & explained that low blood pressure was not the cause but could make my condition worse. He prescribed Betahistine & Prochloperazine to stabilise my dizzy spells. I have to take this medication for the next 3 months before coming back to do Vestibular Battery Test (VBT) in Dec. The test will take 1-1.5 hours.

Vestibular testing consists of a number of tests that help determine if there is something wrong with the vestibular (balance) portion of the inner ear.
These tests can help isolate dizziness symptoms to a specific cause that can often be treated.
If dizziness is not caused by the inner ear, it might be caused by the brain, by medical disorders such as low blood pressure or by psychological problems such as anxiety.

Choking Experiences
Occasionally I feel choked by a lump of "phlegm" in my throat. Breathing becomes difficult. I have to drain down the "phlegm" with lots of water. I notice that I often feel hungry too, even after a meal. From the symptoms I described, Dr Ng suspected I might be suffering from gastroesophageal reflux. He explained that it was not phlegm but acid that came back to my throat from the stomach.

Stomach contents are normally acidic & are kept inside the stomach by a valve at the lower end of the esophagus (food tube or gullet).
Gastroesophageal reflux is the term used when stomach acids come back into the esophagus or throat.
Symptoms result from direct irritation by acid & stomach enzymes or by reflex tightening of throat muscles.
The sense of a lump in the throat is called globus & may result from chronic reflux laryngitis or increased tension in the upper esophageal muscles behind the voice box.
An increase in secretions in the throat results in habitual throat clearing. These secretions may be mistaken as post-nasal drip or "phlegm".
A patient with night-time reflux may awaken with a sore, irritated throat & a gravely hoarse voice.
Muscle tension in the larynx may lead to vocal difficulty, trouble swallowing & in severe cases to choking spells & airway obstruction.
Heartburn is a typical symptom of gastroesophageal reflux.

Dr Ng put me on Omeprazole to decrease the amount of acid produced in my stomach. Omeprazole is used to treat symptoms of gastroesophageal reflux and other conditions caused by excess stomach acid.

Is my body slowly breaking down because of radiation? Did I inherit all these "diseases" from radiation? I sometimes joke that I may die from these symptoms but not from cancer!

I thank God that I can live each day by His grace, with or without cancer.

tsk tsk

medical tests & results

2008-08-29T12:38:00.010+08:00

Here is a brief report on my SGH visits yesterday.

Thyroid nodule - ultrasound & biopsy
I waited one hour as the doctor was busy with patients at the specialist outpatient clinic. While waiting for the doctor, the nurse did all the necessary things to check that I was fit. I was told that my blood pressure was quite low (94/68). No wonder I had been feeling faint lately, but not giddy. Sometimes I do feel like I am going to fall, esp in crowded places. I am worried that one day I might just simply collapse on the road.

At 2.30pm Assoc Prof Tay finally came. He checked the thyroid ultrasound which I did in the morning & told me there was a small nodule on the left side of my thyroid. He then performed a "fine needle aspiration biopsy" (FNAB) on my left thyroid. I was put on local anaesthesia as he poked 3 times into my neck. There was a bit of pain & discomfort but the procedure was over by 3pm.

My ENT doctor will review the results with me at my next consultation in Sep.

O & G Centre - fibroids & CA125
My fibroids have not grown bigger; in fact, I think they have shrunk slightly. The CA125 reading is in the normal range : 24.6 (<35.1), compared to the previous reading of 42.8. This good result is reassuring to me.

Thank You Lord for your protection.
Thank you all for your prayers.

tsk tsk

thyroid nodule

2008-08-27T11:37:00.004+08:00

I had an operation 8 years ago to remove a nodule on the right lobe of my thyroid gland. The benign nodule measured 1.5cm & the operation took several hours.

The PET scan I did in March had shown a nodule on the left side of my thyroid. Tomorrow I will be going to SGH to do a thyroid ultrasound followed by FNAB (fine needle aspiration biopsy). The results will be reviewed by my ENT doctor in Sep.

I will also be seeing my gynae in the afternoon to follow-up on my fibroids & to review the CA125 results.

thanks for praying,
tsk tsk

life after cancer.....2 years on

2008-08-16T12:28:00.004+08:00

Today is a nostalgic day. On this day 2 years ago, I was told I had nasopharyngeal cancer. The memories are still fresh. That unexpected news opened a new chapter in my life. Life after cancer has never been the same. Cancer treatment took only 2 months but the after-effects of radiotherapy continue to affect every facet of my life even today.

The most severe after-effect is xerostomia or dry mouth condition. I have only about 70% of saliva in my mouth compared to that of a normal person. We have often taken our saliva for granted, oblivious to its multiple God-given benefits. Without saliva, we will find it difficult to eat, swallow or talk. Without saliva, our teeth & gum will become extra-sensitive & will be prone to dental decay.

God has given us every part in our human body for a purpose. If any part is missing or breaks down, our body will not function properly. It takes a divine mind to think of everything our body needs. Our God is a great God.

How do I survive with lack of saliva in my mouth? I need to sip water throughout the day. I need water, soup or gravy to go with my food. I must remember to bring a bottle of water when I go out. In places where drinking water is not allowed, such as in buses or trains, I will use a spray to wet my dry mouth.

Life after cancer has been full of challenges as I learn to live with all the changes. The journey to recovery would not have been possible without God's faithfulness & all your prayerful support.

Thank you, dear family & friends, for standing solidly by me these 2 years.

tsk tsk

my cough is gone

2008-08-08T20:08:00.005+08:00

After some 3 weeks, my dry ticklish cough was finally gone.

This is my self-medication. I ate 1-2 china pears a day. I sipped freshly-brewed chrysanthemum drink the whole day. My TCM physician added a herb to my prescription. I gargled with salt water. God worked behind the scene. And my cough gradually dissipated.

During those 3 weeks, I again experienced God's miraculous touch. My ticklish throat miraculously cleared each time it was my turn to teach at the BSF school program; my cough was miraculously put on hold during my recent dental follow-up at NDC. Outside these situations, my ticklish cough would resume. It couldn't have happened without divine hands at work.

Thank you all for praying with me.
Thank You Lord for healing me.

tsk tsk

medical schedule

2008-08-06T17:49:00.009+08:00

This is an update on my medical appointments for the rest of the year.

7 Aug - NDC dental follow-up
21 Aug - Blood test for CA125
28 Aug - Thyroid ultrasound & FNAB
28 Aug - O&G Clinic (fibroid, CA125 review)
18 Sep - ENT Clinic (thyroid nodule review)
20 Nov - Annual CT scan
26 Nov - NCC (CT scan review)
26 Nov - NDC dental follow-up
27 Nov - Liver ultrasound
3 Dec - Liver Clinic (ultrasound review)
11 Dec - ENT Clinic (VBT & consultation)

16 Aug is forever etched in my memory. It marks my second anniversary. I give thanks to God that I have survived for 2 years. Each day is a day of grace & blessing from God.

thanks for journeying with me these 2 years,
tsk tsk

dry cough

2008-08-02T22:52:00.008+08:00

In the past 2 weeks, I have developed a dry irritating cough which refuses to go away. I also notice that my dry mouth has become more dry, the corners of my lips are tearing & my right thumb is cracking again. I am not sure if they are all related, but they seem to come all at the same time!

Last Saturday, my TCM physician added a herb into the prescription to relieve my dry throat. He also advised me to take China pears. I am taking lots of fruits which I think may help lubricate my dry throat & mouth. Because I have xerostomia (dry mouth), a side-effect of radiation, my mouth is always dry for lack of saliva so I need to sip water throughout the day. But it doesn't do much to relieve my dry throat.

cough......cough......cough
tsk tsk

thyroid test result

2008-07-24T17:18:00.010+08:00

Dr Ng called me today, just as he said he would once he received the result. That was fast as I did the blood test only yesterday.

The thyroid result was not much different from the test I did last year. The free T4 thyroxine is normal while TSH (Thyroid Stimulating Hormone) is slightly higher than normal. A normal T4 & a high TSH is considered mild thyroidism. Dr Ng said there was no need for treatment, just an annual follow-up would do.

When I compared the result with last year's, I noticed that the TSH reading had actually gone down marginally. The reduction might be considered small but to me, any small improvement is a good sign. Test results such as this will help me to gauge the effectiveness of TCM treatment.

Lord, thank You for the little, little improvements each day.

tsk tsk

ncc & liver clinic

2008-07-23T23:51:00.020+08:00

The 1st 5 years are said to be most critical for cancer survivors. Research done on NPC survivors shows that the 5-year survival rate is as follows : Stage 1 : 80-90%; Stage 2 : 60-70%; Stage 3 : 50%; Stage 4 : 20-50% (NPC = nasopharyngeal cancer or nose cancer). I was diagnosed with Stage 2 NPC in 2006.

Being my second year of survival, I now go to NCC for review once every 4 months. Today was my 2nd review this year. Dr Wee, my oncologist was away on conference leave, so I was attended to by Dr Ng.

Dr Ng asked me some standard questions & decided to do a blood test to check for thyroid. The same test I did one year ago showed I had mild hypothyroidism but not critical enough to be on medication. Dr Ng wanted to do the test again to check if it had become worse. Some symptoms of hypothyroidism are fatigue, breathlessness & intolerance of cold. I seem to have all of these. I understand that thyroid problems are common in cancer survivors who had head or neck radiation. I am one such survivor.

October is my "cancer anniversary month" so I have been scheduled to do CT scan in Nov to check for metastasis or spread of cancer. The scan I did last year had revealed 2 cysts on my right lung. Are the cysts still there? Have they grown in size? This is one concern on my doctor's mind. It's also my concern.

I went for my 2nd appointment in the afternoon. This time it was the liver clinic. The purpose was to review the AFP tumour marker. The 2-hour wait was long & tiring, and I almost slept while waiting for my turn. The liver clinic opens only on Wednesday afternoons & the long waiting time has become something like a norm for the clinic. Why is there such a shortage of liver specialists (hepatologists), I wonder? Or have they all gone into private practice?

The liver consultation was a non-event. Dr Leong went to some length to assure me there was nothing wrong with my liver & said the AFP test was unnecessary in the first place. I could sense his annoyance with the O&G clinic for ordering this test & giving me unnecessary anxiety. For this, Dr Leong said he would waive the consultation fee for today. He apologised that it was a wasted trip for me. Isn't that nice & thoughtful of him? Doctors do have a heart too. He reminded me to come for the once-a-year liver ultrasound scan & review in Nov.

To me, it was not a wasted trip. Dr Leong's assurance confirms what my body has been telling me all this while. I am one who looks out for external signs or symptoms which I believe would warn me if there is something not right in my body. So far there are no such signs or symptoms so I believe I don't have liver problems.

What a long day! I was exhausted by the time I reached home after 7pm. Maybe I am hypothyroid? I will wait for my oncologist's call. He has promised to call me when the blood test result is out in a few days' time.

thanks for reading & for praying,
tsk tsk

results of tumour markers

2008-07-05T13:00:00.034+08:00

Tumour markers are substances, usually proteins, that are produced by the body in response to cancer growth or by the cancer tissue itself. Tumour markers may be used to help diagnose cancer, predict a patient’s response to particular therapies, check a patient’s response to treatment or determine if cancer has returned. Different tumour markers are found in different types of cancer. In general, tumour markers cannot be used alone to diagnose cancer; they must be combined with other tests.

So far, no tumour marker has gained acceptance as a general screening test. Most tumour markers are not sensitive or specific enough to be used for cancer screening (too many false positives, leading to expensive and unnecessary follow-up testing). A study done in the USA showed only about 3 out of 100 women with elevated CA-125 actually had ovarian cancer. And 1 in 5 women with ovarian cancer never had an elevated CA-125 level. This goes to show tumour markers are not 100% reliable.

On 12 Jun, I took blood tests for the following tumour markers :

AFP (alphafoeto protein) - to test for liver cancer
CA-125 - to test for ovarian cancer
CEA (carcino-embryonic antigen) - to test for colon cancer

On 3 Jul, my gynae showed me the results of the above tumour markers. Two of the markers have high reading : AFP & CA-125. In the coming weeks, I am scheduled to do more tests to verify the results. I think there is no harm in doing more tests as long as the results can confirm there is nothing wrong with my liver & ovary. Early detection is always better. I pray that the additional tests will show the tumour marker results to be false positives, meaning that I do not have the disease even though the tumour marker result is higher than normal.

After receiving the TM results, I went to Chinatown to collect my TCM herbs. I returned to SGH for my next appointment at the National Dental Centre. My teeth are posing a great challenge to me as I constantly fight against tooth decay caused by radiation. Dental problem is a major side-effect faced by NPC survivors (NPC=nasopharyngeal cancer). It will be a lifetime struggle to fight against tooth decay.

Thanks for reading my blog. I'm always encouraged when someone tells me he/she reads my blog. Why? Because I know that as you read, you will join me in praising God for His goodness. Because I am assured I am not alone on this road to recovery.

tsk tsk

not another cancer scare?

2008-06-16T20:38:00.011+08:00

At 2.43pm today, I received a surprise call from my gynae's nurse. Nobody likes to receive phone calls from his or her doctor. Doctors normally call only when there is bad news.

So I prepared my heart for bad news. My mind immediately turned to the tumour markers I did last Thurday to test for ovarian cancer. My gynae mentioned they would call me if the tests showed bad results; otherwise my next visit would be in 3 months.

The nurse told me my gynae would like to see me in early July instead of August. I asked her why. She replied, "The tumour markers showed very high reading so it is of much concern." I asked, "If it is so urgent, then why not I come in this week?" The nurse said, "It's not that urgent but your gynae suggests you come back in early July." So we fixed the appointment for 3 July 2008.

I pray that it wouldn't be another cancer scare. I had a scare in March when my lung report suspected lung metastasis (meaning, cancer was suspected to have spread to the lungs). But the PET scan I did showed there was no sign of cancer in my lungs.

"Lord, my flesh & my heart may fail, but You are the strength of my heart and my portion forever."

tsk tsk

my story (6)

2008-06-15T21:10:00.037+08:00

my journey with pain

I have high tolerance for suffering but low tolerance for pain. Does this sound contradictory? I don't think so.

Before cancer, my worst "suffering" was during those years in London when I had to work part-time in the evenings & weekends, and held down 4 jobs during the summer vacation just to support myself through university. My chauvinistic father had refused to sponsor this daughter of his so I had to find my own ways & means. I was only 18 when I left for London. It was suffering to me because it was not easy to study & work at the same time. And believe it or not, I still managed to find the strength & time to teach in Sunday School! I experienced God as my Jehovah-Jireh during my 5 years in London. Well, this is another story which I will tell another time.

I am one who can't tolerate physical pain. I would tense up & close my eyes each time I go for blood tests. I would often ask, "Is it painful?" each time I go for tests & investigations. When I learned I had cancer, the first thing that came to my mind was pain. I must say I was scared. I was scared of pain. I had seen with my own eyes how my late sister went through cancer in great agony & pain. I had been praying silently for years that I would never have to follow in my sister's footsteps. But God thinks otherwise. God has willed that I should go through the dark valley of cancer to experience His love, mercy, grace & power.

Most nose cancer patients would experience the following side-effects of radiation but to varying degrees. I am recording this personal story in the hope that it will prepare those who are about to begin this same journey. May God be your strength & comfort.

Dry mouth. My mouth became very dry because radiation had destroyed my salivary glands. I will have to live with this dry mouth effect, medically known as xerostomia, all my life. With little saliva in my mouth, I began to experience problems with eating & talking. My teeth also began to decay.

Ulcers. By Week 2 ulcers began to appear in my mouth. The ulcers soon multiplied to hundreds all over my mouth & throat and were extremely painful. It was difficult to eat, drink, swallow & talk. It was torturous. It was nightmarish.

Saliva. My saliva became thick & phlegmy like glue. By Week 3, my salivary glands had been bombed so badly by radiation that saliva was flowing out of my mouth 24/7 non-stop! The saliva was so thick it was impossible to swallow. I had to spit it out all the time. I couldn't eat, talk & sleep. It was worst than a nightmare. It was like I was being put through a torture chamber.

Feeding Tube. By the end of Week 3, I was totally unable to eat or drink through the mouth. My mouth & throat were so painful with ulcers. My oncologist asked me to come down immediately to have a feeding tube inserted to my stomach through the nose. Previously, I had noticed an old man with a feeding tube. I never expected I would end up with one myself. I looked like a monster. It affected my self-esteem. I felt so low & lousy I cried. I never knew I would be reduced to such a state. I stopped going to church.

Nausea. By Week 4, I felt very sick. I kept throwing out. On 7 Oct 2006, I was vomitting so badly the feeding tube came off my throat! One of my "emergency 911" angels rushed me to SGH. I was immediately warded for acute dehydration.

Hospitalisation. I was warded for a week. I felt so miserable as I struggled with pain & nausea. One night, the valley seemed to have turned so dark, I felt I couldn't carry on anymore. I cried & cried to the Lord. God heard my cry. I was able to sleep that night. The next morning, I surprised everyone when I could take breakfast for the first time without vomitting!

Constipation. After I was discharged, I had bowel problems probably due to eating problems & effects of medication. On 18 Oct 2006, I was re-admitted to SGH for acute constipation.

Re-Hospitalisation. I was warded for another week. My suffering continued, this time with the added problem of constipation. The ward doctor re-inserted the feeding tube to enable me to take liquid milk as I was losing a lot of weight. Once again, I looked like a monster. I completed my radiotherapy 4 days after I was discharged. But I was on feeding tube for one month as the ulcers took a long time to heal.

The Bible says that all things work for our good (Romans 8:28) although many times we don't see how they could. I do not know or understand why God should "choose" me to go through such suffering & pain. But one thing I know, no matter how painful the journey, I will trust my loving Father all the way. This is because I know that God is too wise to make mistakes; God is too good to make me suffer for no reason or purpose.

Lesson : God's grace is sufficient & His power is made perfect in our weakness.
Someone once said, "The Spirit of God will not lead a man where the grace of God cannot keep him." God has promised His grace is always sufficient when we are weak. Paul said, "That is why for Christ's sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong." (2 Cor 12:10)

Application : How will you praise & thank God in the midst of your suffering & pain?

thanks for joining me in this painful journey of the past,
tsk tsk

my story (5)

2008-06-14T14:28:00.004+08:00

the gift of pain

Pain is a gift from God. But it is a gift nobody wants. Who likes pain? Who asks God for pain? No one. But pain is so essential to life. Pain is an indicator that lets us know something is wrong.

Dr Paul Brand, a world-renowned leprosy specialist, said, "Pain has a value that becomes clearest in its absence." Take a look at lepers. Lepers do not have the sensation of pain. They don't feel any pain even if they touch a hot stove or boiling water. As a result, they gradually lose their limbs & wither away.

Someone once asked me, "Is cancer painful?" Cancer is painless in the sense that I never felt any pain when the tumour was quietly & happily growing behind my nose without my knowing. I did not even experience any external symptom such as nose bleed or sinus.

Radiation is also painless; it's like taking x-rays but with a stronger dose. The radiation rays are so powerful they destroy not only the bad cancer cells but also all the surrounding good organs & tissues. As a result, radiation causes many side-effects & after-effects. The side-effects of radiation are immediate & excruciatingly painful.

What were some of the pains I had experienced as a cancer sufferer? See the next instalment ....... akan datang.

Lesson : God can use pain & suffering for our good & for His glory.
The Lord Jesus understands our suffering as He has suffered more than anyone of us. As our Great High Priest, Jesus is able to sympathise with those who are suffering (Hebrews 4:15). Our loving God allows pain & suffering to come into our lives for our good & for His glory (Romans 8:28-30). And God will not allow us to suffer more than we can bear (1 Cor 10:13).

Application : What pain are you going through right now? How will you trust God to use your pain & suffering for His glory?

thanks for joining me in this memorable journey into the past,
tsk tsk

"Tempur" magic pillow

2008-06-13T16:08:00.013+08:00

Do you experience pain & aches on your neck & shoulders? I do. And the radiotherapy treatment I received in 2006 worsened my condition. I ended up with stiff neck.

The acupuncture I received was quite effective in relieving the pain & aches. But somehow the relief wears off & I would need to go back for some more acupuncture.

Then Irene Tan, my "emergency angel" came to my rescue. She read about my neck problem on this blog & emailed to tell me about how "Tempur" pillow saved her from a critical neck problem some years back. Her story convinced me. So off I went to look for this magic pillow.

It was such good timing for the Great Singapore Sale (GSS) is now on. I bought the pillow at Robinsons at a 10% GSS discount (with a further 5% discount for Robinsons cardholder). The pillow works like magic. Believe it or not, my neck pain & aches disappeared the first night I slept on it. It's simply amazing! This Tempur pillow is so effective. I now wake up each morning without any neck pain & aches. It looks like I won't need to go for acupuncture from now on.

p/s : Prices before 10% discount. Medium-size = $279. Large-size = $299. There is a 3-year warranty. Beware of fakes or copycats in the market. The genuine Tempur pillow is sold only at established departmental stores like Robinsons, Takashimaya, OG & Tangs. To know more about this magic pillow, please go to http://www.tempur.com.sg/.

Lord, thank You that now I can sleep soundly every night.

tsk tsk

fibroids & tumour markers

2008-06-12T23:38:00.012+08:00

If I had not done the PET scan in March, I would not have known there were 5 "babies" (fibroids) sitting in my womb. With God, nothing happens by chance or coincidence. God will lead us to know what He wants us to know when He wants us to know.

This morning I had my 2nd follow-up consultation at O&G, SGH. As usual, I did a womb ultrasound. The results showed the 5 "babies" were still there but had not grown larger; in a sense, this was "good news". The report also revealed a 3cm cyst on the right ovary. As the cyst was less than 5cm, there was no need to take any action now.

But as an added precaution, my gynae arranged for me to do blood tests on the following tumour markers : AFP (alpha foeto protein), CEA (carcino-embryonic antigen) & CA-125. These tumour markers are used to monitor the presence of cancer in the liver, colon & ovary respectively. I thought there was no harm in doing more tests. I would know the results in my next follow-up visit in August.

In the afternoon, a few of us met at Irene's home for tea fellowship. Irene had just returned from a cruise holiday & will be returning to her other home in KL next week. PS, my previous cancer manager, will be leaving for her missions trip to East Timor next week too. And Ruby looks refreshed after her recent church camp in Melaka. These lovely ladies from BSF had walked with me in my journey through cancer. They are my angels, my pillars of support.

I don't have a family in Singapore but God gives me friends who stand by me through thick & thin. They are my spiritual family.

thank You, Lord.
tsk tsk

It's in the valleys that I grow

2008-06-09T21:08:00.005+08:00

poem by : Jane Eggleston

Sometimes life seems hard to bear,
Full of sorrow, trouble and woe
It's then I have to remember
That it's in the valleys that I grow.

If I always stayed on the mountaintop
And never experienced pain,
I would never appreciate God's love
And would be living in vain.

I have so much to learn
And my growth is very slow,
Sometimes I need the mountaintops,
But it's in the valleys that I grow.

I do not always understand
Why things happen as they do,
But I am very sure of one thing.
My Lord will see me through.

My little valleys are nothing
When I picture Christ on the cross
He went through the valley of death;
His victory was Satan's loss.

Forgive me Lord, for complaining
When I'm feeling so very low.
Just give me a gentle reminder
That it's in the valleys that I grow.

Continue to strengthen me, Lord
And use my life each day
To share your love with others
And help them find their way.

Thank you for the valleys, Lord
For this one thing I know
The mountaintops are glorious
But it's in the valleys that I grow!

my story (4)

2008-06-08T21:20:00.023+08:00

journey into the unknown

After a weary night, I was spiritually & mentally prepared to take on the journey into the unknown. What is the cancer world like? What will be awaiting me there? Will I be able to cope with the pain & suffering? Will I survive the journey & come out of it alive? A journey into the unknown is a scary thought for no one knows what to expect on the other side.

I chose to be treated at the National Cancer Centre, SGH. I had my 1st consultation with the oncologist on 21 Aug 2006. The MRI scan confirmed I had Stage T2N0 nasopharyngeal cancer (NPC), commonly known as nose cancer ("T2N0" means stage 2 cancer with no spread to the lymph nodes). The 2.4 cm tumour was located behind my nose, on the left side. The tumour caused some deafness on my left ear. As Stage 2 NPC was treatable by radiotherapy, my oncologist scheduled me for 33 sessions of radiation from 12 Sep to 30 Oct 2006, lasting about 7 weeks.

My oncologist explained there were 2 types of radiation machines : the old machine which had been in use for the past 30 years, and a newer technology called IMRT (Intensity Modulated Radiation Therapy) which had been in use for only 5 years. Both had pros & cons, but I finally opted for IMRT. I simply trusted God that He had guided me to make the right decision as there was little time to think & I was required to sign the agreement on the spot.

I had to undergo several tests & investigations before radiation began. This was a standard procedure for all new cancer patients to ascertain if cancer had spread to other parts of the body. I had a little scare when a thyroid nodule was picked up by the MRI scan. But the fine needle aspiration biopsy (FNAB) later confirmed the nodule was benign, so my radiotherapy sessions went ahead as scheduled.

I was also required to go for a full dental check-up. This was necessary as any bad or unused tooth must be repaired or extracted before radiation began. I was told that no tooth extraction would be allowed for at least 8 years after radiation due to the threat of infection & blood clotting problems. Radiation not only kills cancer cells but it also destroys or damages all organs on the head & neck including the mouth & teeth.

The journey into the unknown was a bumpy ride which led me through dark valleys. It was the most painful journey in my life.......next instalment akan datang.

Lesson : God will carry us through the dark valleys in our lives.
Our journey through life will take us over the mountains & through the valleys. Our mountaintop experiences are times when our days are bright because the sun is shining above the clouds. Our valley experiences are times when our days are filled with troubles & trials & tribulations. But God made both the mountains & the valleys. Our God is God of the mountains and God of the valleys.

Application : Have you received some bad news that is troubling you? How are you trusting God to carry you through this dark valley?

thanks for joining me in this memorable journey into the past,
tsk tsk

my story (3)

2008-06-06T00:01:00.025+08:00

my loneliest night

I came home to a very quiet & lonely apartment. There was no one I could talk to. Lord, where are You?

Tears rolled down my face. I felt so lost & lonely. I tried to make sense of what was happening. I couldn't believe I had succumbed to the very illness I had worked so hard to avoid all these years. I had seen how my late sister had struggled & suffered when she had breast cancer 18 years ago. Haven't I followed the healthy lifestyle as prescribed by health books? Then how come I still have cancer? What has gone wrong? What stage is my cancer? Will I die? How long more can I live? What should I do now? There were so many questions but no answers.

I knelt down beside my bed in desperation. I cried out to the Lord. I questioned, I pleaded, I implored. I told God I was scared. I prayed, "Lord, I don't know what to do but my eyes are on You." I was on my knees for hours, with my Bible before me. I didn't sleep the whole night. I could sense the Lord's presence in my loneliest moments. God saw my anguish, my pain, my fears. I asked the Lord for a Bible verse to assure me He would be with me all the way. I opened my Bible & this verse caught my eyes :

"My flesh and my heart may fail,
but God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever." (Psalm 73:26)

God spoke to me. I heard Him. God had given me His word. God promised He would be my Strength & my Portion forever. That was sufficient. That was all I needed to know - that God was with me & I was not alone. God's words gave me comfort. God's words gave me assurance. God's words gave me hope against all hope. I ended my prayer, "Lord, no matter how hard or uncertain the journey, I know I can trust You all the way."

I lifted myself up. I felt much strengthened. I was ready to begin my journey with cancer. God had assured me He would fight this battle for me. This battle belonged to God. The battle would be fought not in my strength, but in His strength. If God is with me, what do I fear? The words of the psalmist came to my mind, "When I am afraid, I will trust in You......in God I trust; I will not be afraid. What can 'cancer' do to me?" (Psalm 56:3-4)

I spent the wee hours of the morning sending emails to all my contacts. Although tired & hungry, I felt I was ready for the battle ahead of me. God had strengthened me. God had comforted me. God had assured me. I was confident I would win the battle against cancer in the Lord's strength. God is Sovereign & is in full control of my life. I submitted myself to the Lord's will.

The journey into the unknown had just begun. The worst was yet to come. In the coming weeks & months, I suffered the most agonising pain in my life.

............. to be continued in the next instalment.

Lesson : God is strong when we are weak.
When we are at the lowest point in our life, only God's strength is sufficient to sustain us. God is strongest when we are weakest.

Application : What will you do when your burden is so heavy you feel you can't carry on anymore?

thanks for joining me in this memorable journey into the past,
tsk tsk

my story (2)

2008-06-05T00:30:00.029+08:00

"What? Nose cancer?"

In early July 2006, after less than 2 weeks of swimming lessons, my left ear developed an unusual ringing sound. I stopped my swimming lesson immediately.

I had a strange feeling something was wrong with my left ear. Maybe water had gone into my ear & it should clear, I thought. When it didn't get better, I went to consult a doctor who prescribed ear drops for infection. But my left ear not only grew worse, it was now blocked. I couldn't hear clearly. I became very concerned. I was referred to an ENT specialist at a public hospital. A biopsy was done on 8 Aug 2006. The result confirmed a malignant tumour behind the nose. I was told I had nose cancer.

The news came as a shock to me. It had started as an innocent ringing sound on my left ear. How could it turn out to be cancer? How could a small problem turn out to be so serious? It just didn't make sense to me. Everything was fine just one month ago. How could things change so fast within a month? I never had problems with my nose before -- no bleeding, no sinus, no running nose. How could I possibly have nose cancer? If it had been breast cancer, I think I would have believed it more easily as my sister had breast cancer. But nose cancer? I wished it was all a dream but it was not. The report was right before me. I had been diagnosed with nose cancer.

I was very calm when the ENT doctor broke the devastating news to me. I was too shocked to cry. But the doctor had tears in her eyes. She probably felt guilty as she knew that her ENT team had failed to do a proper diagnosis of my ear problem. They had time & time again dismissed my fears as unfounded. They kept telling me my ear problem was a "common problem for people your age". It was only after I had made a lot of noise & insisted on more tests to be done that a biopsy was finally performed. And the biopsy result was something they had never expected.

When I came out of the doctor's room, I appeared strong & composed as I walked towards my 3 friends who had come unannounced to be with me. God must have sent these angels although I wanted very much to be alone. They brought me out for dinner. But the minute I reached home that night, when I was all alone in my apartment, I broke down in tears.

........... to be continued in the next instalment.

Lesson : God works behind the scene to protect & care for His own.
Imagine this scenario. If I had not moved into this new apartment, I would not have signed up for swimming lessons. If I had not taken up swimming, I might not have discovered I had cancer until much later. Can you imagine what will happen then?

Application : How will you trust God when things don't turn out the way you had expected?

thanks for joining me in this memorable journey into the past,
tsk tsk

my story (1)

2008-06-04T12:18:00.022+08:00

Moving In

I had waited 2 years to move into my new apartment. When TOP was finally granted, I was among the first few to move in. I had written in to Far East Organisation to grant me first priority as the tenancy on my rented flat was expiring in end-Sep 2005. FEO was very kind to grant me my request. I moved to Hillview Regency on 6 Oct 2005.

I enjoyed the new facilities & greeneries. There are 2 adult, 2 children, 1 toddler & 1 aerobics swimming pools within the condo development. Being hydrophobic, I don't enjoy anything that has to do with water such as swimming, boating, fishing, etc. But one day, I told myself I must overcome the fear of water by learning to swim. It seemed so silly & wasteful to pay for the facilities without making use of them. If I could swim, I could save myself should I accidentally fall into the swimming pool. If I could swim, I could play in the water with my nephews & nieces whenever they visited me from Malaysia. So I decided to engage a swimming coach for personal swimming lessons.

I began my first swimming lesson on 23 Jun 2006. I invested $200 on my swimming gear. Each course of 4 lessons cost me $160. Half-way through the 2nd course, my left ear began to give me problems.

............to be continued in the next instalment.

Lesson : With God, nothing happens by chance.
Cancer doesn't happen overnight. God already knew that cancer was growing in my nose years before I discovered it. It was not by chance that I moved into my new apartment. If I had not moved into a condo, I would never have thought of taking up swimming lessons. God's timing is always perfect. He knows when & how to alert us of dangers to our lives.

Application : How will you react when something bad happens to you unexpectedly?

thanks for joining me in this memorable journey into the past,
tsk tsk

my story

2008-06-03T23:30:00.006+08:00

In the twinkling of an eye, 2 years have so swiftly flown by.

The 2nd anniversary of that dreadful day is just around the corner. The memory of that dreadful day, which began with an innocent ringing tone in my left ear leading to the shocked discovery of nose cancer, is still so vivid in my mind.

I intend to chronicle my story in a few instalments over the coming weeks. "My story" is written for those who are interested to know what cancer sufferers go through. I hope to draw lessons from my own experience to help others cope with the suffering & pain of a critical illness.

I pray that my story will encourage you to love & trust God always,

tsk tsk

a sister blog

2008-06-02T12:40:00.005+08:00

On 16 Apr 2008, I wrote that I would be expanding this blog to bring God's comfort to fellow Christians who are suffering & hurting from cancer. I mentioned that I would include some short write-ups to encourage cancer sufferers & survivors to persevere in the midst of their suffering.

I have since changed my mind. Instead of squeezing everything into this blog, I have started a new sister blog named Romans838.

There is a direct link to both blogs. You can find the link on the top-right of the page. All you need to do is simply to click on the link. For instance, when you are on the "tsk tsk" blog, click on the "romans838" link on the top-right of the page & it will bring you to the "Romans 8:38-39" blog. And vice-versa. It's as easy as ABC.

I hope there is always something to cheer you up each day.

tsk tsk

TCM progress

2008-06-01T20:02:00.013+08:00

Yesterday was my fortnightly TCM consultation. It was my 6th visit since 12 April.

Somehow the queue was slower than usual. I was there before 8.30pm but it was 10pm by the time it was my turn to see Dr Cheng. I was his 17th & last patient for the evening. Dr Cheng sees patients only from 7-9pm on Saturdays. It is good to be the last patient as it allows me more time to ask questions.

Dr Cheng is a very patient physician; he spends time explaining & communicating with his patients. Before my consultation with Dr Cheng, I normally drop by my friend's clinic (Dr Goh) to do acupuncture on my neck to relieve stiffness. After my consultation with Dr Cheng, I normally have to wait up to 1 hour to collect my herbs. The pharmacy gives only up to 3 days' supply of herbs at a heavily subsidised price. It's much cheaper than the price I have to pay at other medical shops so it's worth the wait.

Dr Cheng shared with me that his greatest joy as a physician was to see progress in his patients. I could see the joy on his face when he said he was happy to see much improvement in me since the first time I walked into his clinic. This is a true physician, one who is filled with compassion for the sick & is passionate in what he is doing. I am reminded of Jesus, the Great Physician who was always filled with compassion for those who came to Him for healing.

Dr Cheng said that although there were signs of improvement as indicated by my tongue coating & skin colour, my pulse still indicated a weak "qi". He asked if I had a good appetite & if I was eating well as my weight had remained unchanged at 46.5kg. I replied that I had been taking my regular meals. I jokingly asked if the weighing machine was working well as I felt I had put on some weight judging from the pants I wore. I will weigh myself at the NCC next week as I think the digital weighing machine there is more accurate.

My magic pot is buzzing now. It's time to drink my herbal medicine. You know, since the day that magic pot came into my life, drinking the herbal medicine is no longer yukky. It tastes magic. God had turned something yukky into something yummy in my mouth. The magic pot is truly a gift from God.

Thanks for reading & following my blog. It shows you really care about me. I thank God for you.

tsk tsk

breast results

2008-05-31T14:33:00.006+08:00

The breast clinic at SGH sees patients only on Fridays so the queue is always long & slow. My 4.35pm appointment became 6.00pm by the time I saw my doctor. Actually the clinic had to switch me to another doctor at the last minute as my original queue was going too slow. It doesn't matter which doctor I see as SGH specialists work in teams under the supervision of a senior doctor.

What is the result of my breast ultrasound? Two nodules of 10mm & 5mm are spotted on the left breast but they appear benign so there is no need for a biopsy. The ultrasound also showed scattered cysts on both breasts. These are common & harmless so I am not the least worried.

I don't know why I forgot to look at my last year's report before I went for my appointment. My last year's report showed there were 2 nodules on my right breast and 4 nodules on my left breast. But my latest report said there are only 2 nodules on my left breast with no mention of any nodules on the right breast. Does that mean 4 nodules had disappeared? Is that a result of TCM treatment? I am curious to know the answer.

Whatever it is, I'm thankful to God for the good results.

tsk tsk

breast check today

2008-05-30T10:10:00.006+08:00

I have an appointment at the breast clinic, SGH today to review the ultrasound I took last week. A lump was found on the left breast. I expect my doctor to suggest doing a biopsy, as he did 3 years ago when he removed 2 benign lumps on the right breast. Somehow my heart tells me this new lump will be benign as well. My doctor always reminds me I am in the high risk group as I come from a family of breast cancer. I lost a sister to breast cancer 20 years ago.

"Lord, thank You for giving me Your peace."
tsk tsk

death planning

2008-05-28T13:18:00.009+08:00

When I told my friends I was going to spend my BSF break in June doing "death planning", some thought I sounded so morbid while others felt I was so brave to face this forbidden subject.

"Death planning" means planning in the event of death. It includes writing a will, planning for wakes & funerals, leaving instructions how you would like to be preserved on earth (burial or cremation), choosing your favourite hymns, preparing your final speech, saying your last goodbyes. For me, I need to think seriously where I would like to hold my funeral, be buried or cremated, in Singapore or Malaysia - as both countries are very close to my heart.

No living person likes to openly discuss their death. But then this is the reality of life; we never know when God will call us home. There are 3 ways one can die : accident, illness, old age. The trouble is we can't choose how we would like to die. The recent Sichuan earthquake is a good example of how one can die suddenly without the chance to say goodbye to one's family & friends. The lesson is we should be prepared to die anytime. When our time on earth is up, then it's time to go home to eternity. Eternity can be heaven or hell. To my friends who are not Christians, do you know where you will be going after you die - heaven or hell? Jesus is the only passport to heaven. You need to believe in Jesus if you want to go to heaven. This is because the Bible says "Jesus is the way, the truth and the life." (John 14:6)

The irony of life is that some of us are "poor" when we are alive but we are "rich" when we die. What do I mean? If you have done your estate planning or written your will, you will discover that you will leave behind your property, CPF and other savings which might easily add up to a million dollars. We work & work all our lives trying to earn a decent living to feed a family, to pay off mortgages, to settle medical bills & other commitments but when we die, we leave behind money for others to enjoy. And this is the money we need most now when we are alive. This is the irony of life.

I've been wanting to write a will for a long time. It was my recent cancer experience that reminded me not to delay anymore. I have been praying about this since then, asking the Lord how He would like me to give away His money in the event I die. I pray that the Lord will guide me to make the right decision.

"Lord, all I have comes from You. Show me how You like me to use Your money to bless others after I die."

tsk tsk

medical considerations

2008-05-26T12:10:00.009+08:00

I visit SGH so often it now seems like a 2nd home to me. I had been there 16 times so far this year, an average of 3 visits a month. As a reminder to myself, below are my medical appointments in the next 3 months.

30 May - breast clinic (to review breast lump)
12 June - O&G (to review fibroids)
3 July - NDC (to repair decaying teeth)
23 July - NCC (regular follow-up)
7 Aug - NDC (to repair decaying teeth)
28 Aug - thyroid ultrasound & FNAC
18 Sep - ENT (to review thyroid nodule)

The Ministry of Health revised its hospital subsidy for PRs with effect from Jan 2008. The hospital subsidy was reduced by 5 percentage-point in Jan 2008 & will be reduced by another 5 percentage-point in July 2008. And with effect from Jan 2009, hospital subsidy will be subject to means-testing. I accept the rationale that these changes are necessary to differentiate between Singapore citizens & PRs.

Before 2008, Spore citizens & PRs received the same govt subsidy for the same class of ward. I am thankful for the 60-70% govt subsidy I had enjoyed in 2006-2007 when I underwent cancer treatment as a B2 patient. I am glad I had bought personal insurance when I was still young & healthy. This insurance turned out to be a blessing as it paid almost all my medical bills then.

With medical costs going up & govt subsidy coming down, is it time for me to give serious thought to whether I should apply for Spore citizenship? This is something that has been bugging me this year. The situation has changed; the rules have changed; maybe it's also time for me to change my thinking.

Singapore or Malaysia? It seems like a simple decision to make but I tell you it's not. It has given me a lot of headache.......& pain as well. It is not easy to give up something that is close to your heart. I will have to sit down to do some analysis and planning. This is also a major decision which I cannot make alone. I need the Lord's guidance.

All these years, my decision to remain a PR was guided by this scripture verse : "From one man He made every nation of men, that they should inhabit the whole earth; and He determined the times set for them and the exact place where they should live." (Acts 17:26). I had always believed that it is God's will to make me a Malaysian; it is also God's will to bring me to Singapore. So I must ask God before I make any changes to my national status.

"Lord, please guide me to make a wise decision regarding where You want me to be."

tsk tsk

a gift from God

2008-05-24T10:00:00.006+08:00

God's love & care for His own overwhelms me. There are times when I don't pray aloud for a specific need, yet God sees the unexpressed desire of my heart & gives me a pleasant surprise when He meets my need in an unexpected way. This is the true heart of a loving Father towards His children. This is my personal experience of God.

I thank God for leading me to seek TCM treatment as the alternative way to improve my health. God knows how serious I am in wanting to get well. God sees how I struggle each day to brew & drink the herbs. In an earlier blog posting, I had mentioned how nice it would be if someone could brew the herbs for me! God answered the desire of my heart in an unexpected way.

On Tuesday, I received an email from a dear friend. Irene Tan (a previous BSF CL), a Singaporean living in KL, read my blog & responded immediately to my need. She said she has an electric-powered TCM earthern pot which can auto-brew the herbs to the desired level. The pot has an auto buzzer which will give out a loud buzzing sound when the herbs are ready. Someone had mentioned about this TCM pot to me last year but I had forgotten all about it. Irene said she would bring the pot for me in her next trip back from KL.

On Wed, when I was at SGH, Irene called to say her dad bought a few pots last year and he so "happened" to have one pot left unused! Irene arranged to pick me up from Dover MRT on my way home from SGH so that she could pass me the TCM pot. Irene wrote later, "I now don't think my dad was so crazy to buy so many pots at one go afterall. It looks like God used my dad to stock a pot for you since last year." I was moved to tears. I am touched to see the way God loves & cares for me.

I now use the magic TCM pot to brew herbs every night. I am deeply impressed. The pot does the job for me perfectly. There is no need to set the alarm clock anymore. There is no need to worry about spilling or over-brewing anymore. There is no need to constantly check the water level anymore. A loud buzzing sound will alert me once the herbal medicine reaches the right level. Even if I miss the buzz, the pot will automatically switch to "warm" after 30 seconds. The herbal medicine will not dry up. What a clever invention indeed!

Brewing herbs has now become a breeze. The best thing is the TCM pot enhances the quality of the herbal medicine. The medicine tastes thicker & tastier. Now I enjoy drinking the bitter-sweet herbal medicine!

"Lord, thank You for using Irene & her dad to meet my need.
Lord, thank You for your gift."

tsk tsk

What did the tests reveal?

2008-05-23T10:28:00.005+08:00

Breast ultrasound
I quietly asked the radiographer if she saw anything suspicious on my breasts. She showed me the ultrasound picture which spotted a lump on my left breast, plus other cysts on both breasts. She assured me, "don't worry, it looks harmless" & added that my doctor would advise me accordingly next Friday.

Thyroid nodule
My previous PET scan had suspected a left thyroid nodule, amongst other things, so my ENT doctor is referring me to do further tests. I had an operation 8 years ago to remove a right thyroid nodule which was benign. This left thyroid nodule was already spotted during an MRI scan I did in 2006 before my radiation treatment but FNAB confirmed it was benign. My oncologist had said the radiation could reduce the nodule as the rays passed through the neck area. It looks like there is a bit of the nodule left. Or maybe it is a new growth.

"Thank You, Lord, that my flesh & my heart may fail but You are the strength of my heart & my portion forever." (Psalm 73:26)

tsk tsk

what a day!

2008-05-22T21:23:00.008+08:00

Yesterday was a real test of my physical strength & stamina. I was surprised at myself that I could do so many things, walked so many miles without feeling tired or breathless.

7.00 am - waky, waky......had oats for breakfast, drank Chinese "coca-cola" (herbal medicine).
9.00 am - took MRT to Outram Park; walked to Chinatown (Temple St) to place orders for 10pkt of TCM herbs; instead of walking back to Outram Park, took bus to Outram Rd; walked to SGH Blk 1 (instead of taking SGH shuttle bus which by this time always has a long queue).
10.30 am - registered for mammogram & breast ultra-sound.
12.15 pm - completed above; walked to Blk 4 food court for lunch.
1.15 pm - walked to National Dental Centre for 1.30pm dental appointment; Dr Png spent one hour fitting & trying the new denture on me.
2.40 pm - arrived 20min late for ENT appointment. As usual, ENT clinic is always crowded & slow.
3.55 pm - waited more than one hour for my turn - this is "normal". Dr Chiew did a thorough check on my ear, nose, throat, said everything was clear; reviewed previous PET scan results & referred me to do thyroid ultrasound & FNAC (fine needle aspiration cytology).
4.30 pm - walked to Diagnostic Radiology dept to book appointments for above. Appointment was fixed for 25 Aug.
5.00 pm - whew! done with all my SGH appointments; walked to Chinatown to pick up my herbs; walked back to Outram Pk MRT.
6.30 pm - Irene Tan (BSF) picked me up at Dover MRT to drive me home (please read separate story on this).
7.05 pm - reached home; washed up; cooked simple dinner.
8.15 pm - brewed TCM herbs
10.45pm - drank Chinese "coca-cola"
12.00 mn - sweet dreams zzzzzzzzzzz

That was a 17-hour marathon without any rest in between. Strange thing was I didn't feel tired or breathless, even when I was walking at super-speed from SGH to Chinatown & back to Outram Pk under the scorching sun. It was another good sign that my body was probably regaining its strength. A friend was amazed & said that even a normal person could not walk the miles I had walked. Those who know me would know that I had always loved walking & that I am a fast walker too. I look forward to the day when I can resume my regular walks in nature parks.

I would love to try the newly opened "Southern Ridges", a 9km walk through the rolling hills of Mount Faber, Telok Blangah Hill, Kent Ridge Park & ending at West Coast Park. It would be such an exciting experience, walking on high bridges & enjoying the natural surroundings that God has created for our enjoyment. Is anyone game enough to join me?

I thank God for sustaining me,
tsk tsk

3 appointments at sgh today

2008-05-21T01:11:00.006+08:00

Whew......this week is the last BSF class for this term. It has been a 13-week marathon since Feb. I've run out of steam & have been looking forward to this long-overdue break for a long time. There's so much that our body can take. I suppose God did not make us like super-machines that can work 24/7. I suppose my tiredness was also partly a result of my weekly TCM consultation on Sat night. I'm glad I now need to consult Dr Cheng once every fortnight.

Today, I have 3 appointments at SGH. I don't know if scheduling all 3 appointments on the same day will prove to be a clever idea. I wanted to kill 3 birds in one day, rather than to kill 1 bird each on 3 different days. I will know by the end of the day who gets killed, me or the bird!

11.00am = mammogram + breast ultrasound
1.30pm = National Dental Centre (try new denture)
2.20pm = ENT clinic
Afternoon = Chinatown (to buy herbs)

The results of the mammogram/ultrasound will be known next Fri, 30 May. The breast clinic sees patients only on Fridays. Last year, the ultrasound shows many cysts on my right breast. I pray that it will be better results this time round.

thanks for remembering this poor wretched soul,
tsk tsk

how am I doing with TCM?

2008-05-14T20:00:00.009+08:00

I began taking TCM medicine on 12 Apr. It has been a month. So far, how? Some of you have been asking.

One must be patient when starting on TCM treatment because the results are slow but steady. Besides patience, one also must be diligent in brewing & drinking the herbal medicine daily. It's like taking antibiotics, your doctor will say you must complete the whole course of antibiotics. I must confess that I do skip sometimes when I have a full day & come home late & tired. As I live alone, I have to do everything myself. How nice if I have someone to brew the herbs for me!

So how am I doing with TCM after one month? Although it's still early to assess, I would say there are some small encouraging improvements. On my first consultation with Dr Cheng, his diagnosis of my health could be summarised in one word - WEAK! I failed in all measurements on health; in TCM language, I was deficient in yin, yang & qi. Why did I take so long to seek TCM treatment, he asked. I did try but I gave up half-way, I told him. My recent lung-scare woke me up. I am thankful to the Lord for setting the alarm to alert me; it was like God giving me a 2nd chance. So this time I am taking TCM very seriously.

Dr Cheng said his top priority would be to increase my "qi". He explained that a weak "qi" could give rise to health problems, including the growth of cysts in my organs. He explained how our human body works in a very interesting way. Our body is made up of 70% water. Water needs energy (qi) to travel to all parts of our body. But because my "qi" is weak, the water would end up depositing as bubble cysts on my lungs, liver, kidneys, etc as there is no energy for it to continue travelling. I now understand why there are so many cysts in my body. His rationale is that once my "qi" is normal, my body would heal by itself.

Some of the positive results since I started taking the herbal medicine include the following. For the first time since radiation, my menses is back to normal. I also realise that I no longer feel pain on my chest. My skin also doesn't look so dry - my right thumb is a good example. And for the first time, Dr Cheng said he could feel the pulse on my left wrist (previously, pulses on both wrists were "empty", in TCM lingo). As a result, my appointment to see Dr Cheng would now be once a fortnight instead of once a week.

These positive results do give me some encouragement to continue with TCM treatment. But the herbs also caused some negative reactions initially. In Week 1, I developed rashes on my neck & inner arms. An investigation revealed that I was allergic to an animal protein that Dr Cheng had added to the prescription for the purpose of increasing my "qi". It seems like I am the only patient who is allergic to this animal protein. Dr Cheng is now very careful in prescribing only plant-herbs for me. In subsequent weeks, white snowy flakes appeared first on my arms, then my legs & thighs. I did not panic but took it as a good sign because the flakes looked like toxins were being excreted through my skin. The flakes disappeared after a few days.

By the way, I am also on acupuncture treatment to relieve my neck stiffness & aches. Radiation has stiffened my neck & my job makes it worse as I use the computer the whole day. I think acupuncture is quite effective as my neck seems to be not so stiff now.

I'm thankful to God for the little, little improvements that have resulted from TCM treatment. It's still a long journey ahead but I will learn to live one day at a time. Each day is a day of grace from God.

thanks for being my unseen angel sent from above,

tsk tsk

carried in His strong arms

2008-05-11T16:01:00.003+08:00

If you are discouraged & feel like giving up, I pray that today's daily devotion will nourish your spirit & soul.

Source : Our Daily Bread, RBC Ministries
Contributor : Vernon Grounds

Carried In His Strong Arms

Feb 22, 2008

Scripture Reading : Isaiah 46:1-11

"Even to your old age & gray hairs, I am He, I am He who will sustain you. I have made you & I will carry you; I will sustain you & I will rescue you." (Isaiah 46:4)

Missionary couple Ray and Sophie de le Haye served heroically in West Africa for more than 40 years. As she grew older, Sophie suffered from the loss of all motor control of her body. That once-strong servant of Christ, who had carried on a ministry of unimaginable stress, was suddenly reduced to helplessness, unable to button her clothes or lift a cup of water to her lips. But she refused to become bitter or self-pitying. In her moments of utter weakness, she would quietly remind herself, “For this you have Jesus.”

Many centuries ago our heavenly Father gave a reassuring message to a burdened prophet of Israel—a message that we need today: “Listen to Me, O house of Jacob, . . . who have been upheld by Me from birth, who have been carried from the womb: Even to your old age, I am He, and even to gray hairs I will carry you! I have made, and I will bear; even I will carry, and will deliver you” (Isa. 46:3-4).

What an encouraging picture of divine grace! It calls to mind the Good Shepherd bearing a helpless lamb. Whether young or old, we can learn to let God carry us. Weak and burdened, we can lean on His everlasting arms and remind ourselves, “For this I have Jesus.”

— Vernon Grounds

The King of love my Shepherd is,
Whose goodness faileth never;
I nothing lack if I am His,
And He is mine forever.
—Baker

You can rest in the arms of Jesus—He’ll never let you down.

tsk tsk

why? why? oh, why?

2008-05-10T23:59:00.004+08:00

Source : Our Daily Bread, RBC Ministries
Date of devotion : 7 Apr 2008 Monday

WHY? WHY? OH, WHY?

Why must I suffer disappointment, sorrow, and tribulation? What have I done that God should send me trials? Is He displeased with me? These questions are constantly asked by God's dear children.

Much of this fear and questioning is due to our misunderstanding of God's dealings with His own. He has His good reasons. And one of those reasons is for our spiritual discipline. We should be far more afraid of being left alone than of God's chastening, for He wastes no time on worthless objects that give no promise of fruitfulness.

On the shores of Lake Michigan are great barren sand dunes that have never felt the point of a plow. But in the rich lowlands beyond them, the farmer is constantly cultivating the soil. The farmer knows what he is doing, so he keeps on breaking up the soil. The deeper the plow works and the more the sharp harrow, the more precious the crop will be when harvest time comes.

God's plow goes deep, but it is only that in the end we may forget the plowing and rejoice in the blessing of bearing much fruit for Him. "No chastening seems to be joyful for the present, but painful; nevertheless, afterward it yields the peaceable fruit of righteousness to those who have been trained by it" (Heb. 12:11). — M.R. De Haan

When blades of distress cut deep in the soul,

Breaking up ground that was untouched before,

The Lord is preparing soil to bear fruit

Fit for the harvest to feed many more.

—by Hess

All sunshine and no rain make a desert.

one tooth gone

2008-05-07T20:02:00.005+08:00

Last Sunday morning, one front tooth on the lower jaw fell off while I was brushing my teeth. Good thing it left behind a stump or else I would be in deep trouble. This tooth has become loose after my radiation.

Dr Kaung had explained to me before that tooth extraction is not allowed for NPC survivors in the first 8 years after radiation due to the high risk of infection as the wound would not heal. This is one after-effect of radiation I have to live with after cancer. Daily oral hygiene is essential to prevent tooth decay & infection. It's becoming a daily habit to brush & floss my teeth after each meal. I also need to apply fluoride on my teeth every night. Surgery to the jaws would be necessary if serious tooth infection occurs. I pray this will never happen to me.

I went to the National Dental Centre (NDC) today to have my tooth examined by another dental surgeon as Dr Kaung was busy. Dr Png confirmed there was no tooth infection & treated the stump to prevent any infection in the future. I agreed to wear dentures for the time being. Dr Png advised that should I experience pain or discomfort, I must return to NDC immediately.

As my lower teeth seem to be decaying, it looks like I might have a challienging time ahead. This is the latest addition to my already long list of concerns. Before cancer, I took pride in having a good set of teeth & a clean bill of health. But cancer has changed my life.

thanks for praying alongside me on this journey,
tsk tsk

often, the best comfort is just being there

2008-04-28T12:32:00.007+08:00

To the suffering & friends of the suffering, I would like to share with you what I read today from RBC's "Our Daily Bread" (ODB) contributed by Philip Yancey. Philip Yancey is a truly God-inspired writer & I always look forward to reading his contributions.

Source : Our Daily Bread, RBC Ministries
Contributor : Philip Yancey

"The Greatest Gift"
April 28, 2008

Scripture reading : Job 2

"Then they sat on the ground with him for seven days and seven nights. No one said a word to him, because they saw how great his suffering was." (Job 2:13)

We rightly disparage Job's three friends for their insensitive response to his suffering. Yet when they came, they sat in silence beside Job for 7 days before speaking. As it turned out, those were the most eloquent moments they spent with him.

Instinctively, I shrink back from people who are in pain. Who can know whether they want to talk about their predicament or not? Do they want to be consoled, or cheered up? What good can my presence possibly do?

Tony Campolo tells of going to a funeral. By mistake he ended up in the wrong parlor. It held the body of an elderly man, and his widow was the only mourner present. She seemed so lonely that Campolo decided to stay for the funeral. He even drove with her to the cemetery.

At the conclusion of the graveside service, Campolo finally confessed that he had not known her husband. "I thought as much," said the widow. "But it doesn't really matter. You'll never, ever, know what this means to me."

Most often those who suffer remember the quiet, unassuming person. Someone who was there when needed, who listened, who didn't keep glancing at a watch, who hugged, touched, and cried. In short, someone who was available and came on the sufferer's terms, not their own.
— Philip Yancey

In our shattered times, anguish relents
Not at mere idle words spoken in vain,
But rather from the silent eloquence
Bestowed by those rare souls who share our pain.
—Evans

Often, the best comfort is just being there.

tsk tsk

fibroids

2008-04-18T11:03:00.012+08:00

My earlier PET scan results had suspected fibroids in my womb. So my oncologist had referred me to SGH's O&G clinic for further checks & investigations.

The ultrasound results now confirmed there are 5 fibroids in my womb, ranging from 3.0cm to 5.5cm in size. I am surprised there are so many fibroids in my womb as I have never experienced any symptoms all these years. My gynaecologist said this result was quite characteristic of single-unmarried women or women who had never given birth. My gynae suggested surgery or hysterectomy but I refused. He said there is no other way of shrinking or removing the fibroids, so he will monitor me every 2 months.

For those who wish to know more about fibroids, this is what I found out from the internet :
(1) Fibroids are tumours that grow in the uterus (womb). They are benign (not cancerous) & are made up of muscle fibre.
(2) About 20-50% of women have or will have fibroids at some time in their lives. Fibroids are most common in women in their 30's & 40's & tend to shrink after menopause.
(3) As many as 75% of women do not know they have fibroids as they experience no symptoms at all, symptoms such as heavy menstrual bleeding, pain during menstruation, abdominal pain or pressure, changes in bladder & bowel patterns, etc.
(4) There are 4 types of fibroids : intramural, subserous, submucous & cervical.
(5) The exact cause of fibroids is unknown but they seem to be influenced by oestrogen. This might explain why fibroids appear in a woman's middle years when oestrogen levels are high and stop after menopause when oestrogen levels drop.
(6) If you have fibroids, you may have one or many; you may also have one type of fibroid or a number of different types.
(7) As the cause of fibroids is still not known, there are no clear guidelines for preventing them.
(8) Because there are often no symptoms, you may only find out you have fibroids when you go for an internal examination. You may be given an ultrasound scan to confirm if you have fibroids. Other tests include hysteroscopy & laparoscopy.
(9) The main treatments for fibroids are myomectomy (operation to remove fibroids individually, leaving the womb intact); hysterectomy (removing the womb entirely); and uterine artery embolisation (blocking the blood supply to the fibroids).

As a nose cancer survivor, the doctor might be overly concerned about my fibroids. But somehow I'm not the least worried. I've read that TCM can be effective in shrinking, or in some cases, even in removing the fibroids. What I intend to do is to consult my TCM physician to find out more on this. If all else fails, then I will reluctantly go for surgery as my last resort, but only if I begin to suffer some unbearable symptoms.

thanks for keeping me in your prayers,
tsk tsk

blog - new purpose, new direction

2008-04-16T12:30:00.010+08:00

Recently, 2 BSF colleagues shared with me how this blog had helped to encourage someone in their church who was suffering from cancer. One of them said, "God is using your blog to encourage many people. You are doing a good job. Don't give up." This was indeed a very encouraging feedback. And a few weeks back, a senior BSF colleague also shared with me something which seemed like a word from God.

I have been pondering & praying, asking the Lord for His direction. If God can use me to encourage someone out there, all glory be to Him.

With this in mind, this blog will now have a new purpose with a new direction.

The purpose of this blog is that in the midst of their suffering, Christians will see God in every event & circumstance of their lives. God can use your suffering for His glory.
Besides using this blog as my personal prayer platform, I will also use it as a platform to reach out to fellow Christians who are suffering & hurting from the pain of cancer. Besides sharing my personal journey with cancer, I will also write some short articles to encourage all of us to persevere on in our faith in the midst of our suffering & pain.

Whether you have just begun your journey or still travelling this painful journey, be assured that you are not alone. I am with you in my thoughts & prayers. God is with you in your heart.

".........they will call Him Immanuel, which means 'God with us.' " (Matthew 1:23)

your fellow sufferer in Christ,
tsk tsk

going the TCM way

2008-04-14T21:21:00.011+08:00

Last Saturday, I went to Singapore Chung Hwa Medical Institution at Toa Payoh to consult a TCM physician, on the recommendation of a friend who is an acupuncture practitioner at the same clinic.

Dr Cheng, a dental surgeon who is now practising TCM, studied my medical reports & helped me to understand my health condition the TCM way. The TCM approach to analysing health issues is completely different from the western approach, so it was a delightful discovery for me. It now makes more sense to me why my body behaves as it does, issues which I have raised with my western-trained doctors but had received no satisfactory answers. At last I understand why I get so easily tired & cold nowadays. I knew all this while something is wrong with my body but I didn’t know what or why. Now I can only hope & pray that TCM is the way to help restore back the health I had lost.

I am not saying that TCM approach is better than the other. I believe that both western & eastern medicine complement each other. I have been doing some research over the internet to learn more about this "east meets west" complementary approach to treating illnesses. Looking at some of the changes taking place in the medical field, I am confident & look forward to the day when western-trained doctors & TCM physicians can work hand-in-hand to offer complementary treatments to cancer patients. Some changes are already taking place in Singapore with some hospitals such as SGH, CGH & Raffles Hospital setting up TCM clinics to complement conventional treatments.

"Western medicine treats the disease (not the person) and standard treatments are drugs, diagnostic procedures, some using equipment, and operations. TCM, on the other hand, treats the person as it regards the patient as a whole being. TCM also uses herbs not drugs and is non- invasive." (Dr Swee YP, the 1st doctor to practise both western & eastern medicine in Singapore).

Dr Swee added, "TCM is all about 'Balance - Yin & Yang'". Yin can be likened to an over alkaline body and Yang, an acidic body. An acidic body is a cancer prone body, so one must always try to have a more alkaline body. This, ideally, means eating a vegetarian diet of fresh organic fruits and vegetables and whole grains."

And what was Dr Cheng's diagnosis of my health? I am deficient in Yin-Yang; I am also deficient in "Qi" (energy), another measure of a body's health. The conclusion is there is a lot to be done to gradually restore my health & build up my body's immunity. Dr Cheng said it’s going to be a long process to restore & replenish what I’ve lost as my body is now very weak, deficient in all the essentials my body needs.

What I dread most is brewing & drinking the bitter-sweet herbs. I am one who dislikes taking medicine, be it drugs or herbs. I tried TCM treatment in 2007 but I stopped after just 4 months because I was very "sick" of the herbs. The smell & taste of herbs made me vomit. Since then, I had hesitated going back to TCM because the thought of taking herbs again frightened me.

Please pray that this time, I can "tahan" the herbs without vomitting. I have to brew the herbs once a day & drink it twice a day (one after breakfast, one after dinner).

thanks for remembering me in your thoughts & prayers,
tsk tsk

a time-bomb in my body

2008-04-05T19:30:00.014+08:00

Finally I had the time to sit down to think through & reflect. Everything was moving so fast the last few days. The bad lung report, the worried expression on my doctor's face, the gentle touch on my shoulders to reassure me, the hurriedly-arranged PET scan, the scan report......what does it all mean?

As I look back at the events of the last few days, one thing is clear to me - the grace & love of God. I do not know & do not understand what is happening. But I know I have a great God whom I can trust in times of trouble. I'm indeed thankful to God for protecting me from the relapse of cancer. I am overwhelmed by the depth of God's love for me. I could sense His presence as He wept along with me. I could sense His comfort as He put His loving arms around me. I could sense His compassion as He allowed me to express my innermost fears to Him. I could sense His strength as He lifted me up from my agony of pain. Not once did my Father condemn me for reacting like any human would, for coming to Him as I am.....weak, wretched & helpless.

Praise be to God for a triumphant finish to a week of trials & testing. It’s indeed a relief to know for now that cancer did not / has not spread to other parts of the body (metastasis). I am aware that my battle against cancer is not over yet. What is troubling me is not so much the occasional rib pain I experience from time to time, but to know that the 2 cysts in my right lung are still there, & have grown 3 times in the past 6 months. Assuming the same growth rate in the next 12 months, this means the cysts might grow to 3cm by Mar 2009. This is worrying. It is like having a time-bomb in my body & I do not know when it will explode.

So what should I do now? The doctor’s “wait & see” answer makes me feel rather uneasy. I’m not convinced that I should simply wait & do nothing. I have this time-bomb in my body & my heart prompts me I must do something. I believe I need practical faith to go forth to seek alternative treatment. Since western medicine offers me no solution, it looks like I have to turn to Traditional Chinese Medicine (TCM) to help build my body's immunity. Please pray along with me that God will lead me in the right direction.

I'm now living on God's extended time. Each day is a day of grace from God.

Thanks for travelling this long & difficult journey with me,

tsk tsk

praise God, no cancer

2008-04-03T00:28:00.018+08:00

I had prepared myself mentally for the worst. It had been so agonising over the past few days. I was agonised at the thought of having to go through another round of cancer. I was agonised at the thought of having to go through suffering & pain again. Only Jesus could understand the agony I went through. Jesus at Gethsemane had agonised over His impending death when He said, "My soul is overwhelmed with sorrow to the point of death.......My Father, if it is possible, may this cup be taken from me." (Matt 26:38,39)

But God heard not only my cries, but the cries of all His saints who were pleading with Him for mercy. When I entered the doctor's room, I told the doctor I was prepared for the bad news, but the doctor exclaimed, "Who said it's bad news? It's good news!" I couldn't believe my ears. The doctor went through the PET scan report with me. The report said there was no sign that cancer had spread to my lungs or other parts of the body. I said a quiet "Thank You" to God in my heart.

It is always darkest just before dawn. I pray that the darkest night is past, that this new dawn will stay on for a long time. For though the report says there is no sign of cancer in the lungs & other parts of the body, the 2 cysts in the lung remain. The cysts in the lung have grown 3 times within a period of 6 months. This is worrying. Will they grow further? Will they become cancerous in future? These are questions which are of concern to me. But the doctor's answer is "wait & see". This answer makes me feel uneasy. I will need to trust all these to God. I will seek the Lord's guidance as to what I should do next.

I would like to express my sincere thanks to :

everyone who has travelled alongside me in this journey through cancer. Many of you have called, sms-ed or emailed to assure me of your prayers. I am very touched by your love & concern. Thank you for lifting me up before the throne of grace with your tears & petition before God.
these Godsend angels - PS, PL, Ruby - who were there by my side to share my sorrow & joy. Thank you for bringing me out for dinner & for the wonderful fellowship we had.
last but not least, to the Almighty God for His unfailing love & mercy towards me. Thank You, Lord, for hearing & answering the prayers of all Your faithful saints.

Though the Lord has graciously averted the crisis today, my journey with cancer is not over yet. The cysts in my lung will remain my major concern in the months ahead. Please graciously lift me up before God's throne of grace & mercy each day.

Forever thankful to God for each one of you, His faithful saints,

tsk tsk

today is the day

2008-04-02T09:47:00.008+08:00

I will see my oncologist at 3pm today. The purpose is to review the PET scan result. Today I will know if the cancer has spread to my lungs or other parts of the body.

Those of you who have suffered from cancer will understand how I am feeling. The most frightening news that one can ever hear in his life is "It is cancer." It is like a death penalty, it is as if life will come to an end soon. I heard those 3 words in Aug 2006. I'm scared to hear it again today.

So appropriately, RBC's "Our Daily Bread" (ODB) for today was on Matthew 6:25-34. It seems like God has placed it there so timely to remind me of His care. The ODB notes ended with these assuring words : "When concern for our own well-being leads to anxious thoughts, we can look at the birds & be assured of our value to God & of His care for us."

"We need not fear the perils around us because
the eye of the Lord is always upon us." (ODB)

Eternally thankful to God no matter what the result might be,
tsk tsk

how to deal with fellow Christians who are suffering

2008-03-31T23:40:00.017+08:00

What should you do or not do with regards to a fellow Christian who is suffering from a critical illness? You would probably admit that many a time in such a situation, you do feel unsure as to what is the right thing to do or say. Having been a cancer patient myself, allow me to provide you with a 10-point guide to assist you in ministering to your fellow Christians who are going through the pain & suffering of a critical illness.

The 10 Don'ts

Don't be judgemental. Don't pass judgement or give your views on why the person is sick or suffering. You are called to comfort, not to condemn others.
Don't preach. Don't be like Job's 3 friends who thought they knew all the answers but had not known suffering in their own lives.
Don't compare. Every person is different; every illness is different; and God has a different plan & purpose for everyone. Don't tell stories of how some people you know had been healed or had died from the illness. Hearing the stories about other people's illness will only make the person more miserable. It might even cause him to question why God is so unfair, why He healed some & not others. Even the Lord Jesus did not heal everyone during His time on earth.
Don't dispense advice or prescribe solutions. You are not a doctor or a dietician, so don’t be too eager to recommend an alternative cure or diet supplement based on hearsay. There is no scientific proof to all these cure-all claims. You will only confuse the person or make him feel guilty should he not get well.
Don't question the faith of the person or imply that his faith is weak at a time when he is physically & emotionally weak. God holds us responsible for every careless word spoken (Matt 12:36-37). Don’t expect everyone to have super-faith at all times. We all go through mountaintop & valley experiences at certain points in our lives.
Don’t play God. Don’t be too eager to tell the person what God can do in his life or pronounce God's judgement on him. You are not God. You don't know what is God's plan for him. God will enable the person to see His will & purpose in His own way & in His own time.
Don’t talk more than you listen. Do not feel that you need to entertain the person by telling stories or talking about work & church unless the person asks. At this moment, these are the least important issues to the person as his priority is to get well. Talk less, listen more. Let the person relieve his inner pain by pouring out his heart to you. Let the person have some peace & quiet moments; don't talk incessantly for it can be irritating to the person.
Don’t call. Don’t stress the person by making him repeat his story to everyone who calls. If you would like him to know that you care, simply drop him an sms, email or card to encourage him. Another way to show love is to offer help in practical ways.
Don’t visit, unless you feel your visit will make a difference to the person. If you do visit, a silent conversation or holding the person’s hand is the best thing you can do to a person who needs comfort & assurance.
Don’t act so holy that you are of no earthly value. Be realistic. Christians are also human. When hit by unexpected news of a critical illness, it is human to feel anxious, to express our fears or even to question God. Allow the person to feel angry, anguished, fearful, scared, unhappy. I believe Jesus understands as He was made human like us & had also suffered like us so He is able to help us overcome our anxiety, fears & doubts. I believe God wants us to cry & ask questions. I believe God wants us to get it off our chest. God listens with compassion when we bare our soul to Him, when we tell Him our inner fears, when we tell Him we are scared to suffer or die. God had experienced the pain of His Son's death. I’m sure God understands how we feel. I’m sure God knows we will react to bad news this way because He made us human with feelings. And He will heal our pain in His own way & in His own time.

Emotional pain takes a longer time to heal than physical pain. Some cancer survivors I've met told me the emotional wounds they suffered lingered on even years after they had recovered from their illness. I understand what they mean as I had been through it all. I understand because like them, I had also been hurt emotionally many a time by well-meaning Christians who made insensitive & careless remarks. I pray that God will potect me from such people.

Brothers & sisters in Christ, I pray that everyone of us will learn to be sensitive to others & be careful with our words & attitudes as we reach out to our fellow Christians who are suffering. Let us not be a stumbling block to others but to show them God's love & compassion.

p/s : part 2 on the "Do's" will be featured another time.

thanks for reaching out to me with God's love & compassion,

tsk tsk

PET scan

2008-03-27T18:13:00.007+08:00

I went to SGH to do PET scan this morning. It was such a long day. I was there from 10.30am to 3.30pm. I was so hungry the first thing I did when I came home was to find food. I was required to fast from midnight to prepare for the scan.

I am thankful to these 2 BSF ladies who drove me to & from SGH despite their busy schedule - CF & PS. CF had to fetch her children to/from school after dropping me off at SGH; PS waited for me while I was in the scanning room --- that was a cool 3-hour wait. I am thankful to God for always sending angels to attend to me in my time of need. My DG leader, FM, is so right when he said that BSF is God's gift to me. Indeed it is, and always has been.

The PET scan results will be known in a day or two, but I do not wish to know the results until I see my oncologist next Wed. My heart tells me it would be bad news, so I don't want to hear it too soon. This "lung" thing has been troubling me since last year when I first learned of the tiny nodule on my right lung. I've been preparing myself for the worst since then. Now it seems that the day has come.

Whatever the outcome, I will praise God along with the psalmist : "Then my soul will rejoice in the LORD & delight in His salvation." (Psalm 35:9)

thanks for walking with me in my journey with cancer,
tsk tsk

has cancer spread to my lungs?

2008-03-26T20:33:00.009+08:00

Has cancer spread to my lungs? I will know the answer by next week.

My lung scan report released today was not good. The 2 nodules had grown in size. I thought that previously there was only one nodule, how come now there are 2? The report says, "These are suspicious for metastasis" (metastasis means cancer has spread to another part of the body).
My oncologist immediately arranged for me to do an urgent PET scan test tomorrow. Positron Emission Tomography or PET scan is a unique type of imaging test that helps doctors see how the organs and tissues inside the body are actually functioning. PET scans are commonly used to detect cancer, heart problems, brain disorders and other central nervous system disorders.

This is my second health scare since Aug 2006. I had been rather anxious about my lungs since Sep 2007 when my body-scan report revealed a "stable non-specific nodule" on my right lung. I couldn't sleep the whole night yesterday; maybe subconsciously my mind was anxious. Sometimes my body seems to forewarn me about something unpleasant that is to come.

I was so exhausted after a whole day in the hospital today that I napped for more than an hour when I came home. Alone at home, I felt so lost & lonely. The place was so quiet. There was no one I could confide in or cry with. Lord, where are You? In times like this, I sometimes feel like the Lord has forgotten me.

Please uphold me in prayers as I go through another hurdle with cancer,

tsk tsk

lung scan

2008-03-19T22:38:00.005+08:00

In Sep 2007, a body scan showed a small cyst on my right lung. The doctor said to wait for 6 months before following up with another scan. So I did the lung scan today (ie CT thorax).

In the past few months, I have been experiencing pain occasionally on my upper chest area. I don't know if it is a sign of any trouble. A bone scan I did in Jan did not reveal anything wrong with my bones. I pray that my lung scan will not show anything wrong with my lungs either.

So where does the chest pain come from? I can't seem to identify the cause. Maybe it's just muscle pain.

tsk tsk

I am still alive & kicking

2008-03-18T23:40:00.003+08:00

My long silence could mean 2 things. Either I'm dead or I'm busy like everyone else. In the event I enter into eternal glory, there will be an announcement on this blog. I know that my former manager, PS will announce my departure on this blog on my behalf. PS was the creator of this blog & she will also bring it to a close should I go to heaven before her.

So, tsk tsk, what have you been doing these past 2 months? Good thing I keep a daily journal, so it's not a problem recalling what I did in Feb & Mar.

5 Feb 2008 - Today was the eve of Lunar New Year's Eve. I held a reunion dinner tonight because I would be going home to Batu Pahat tomorrow. My youngest sister, Shuli came back for CNY (she is based in Taiwan). My eldest sister, Shuyun & family joined us for dinner.

6 Feb 2008 - I baked Pandan Kaya cake this morning for my family. Shuli's friend, Mei Yan gave us a lift back to Batu Pahat. We left Singapore at about 4pm. We did not make it in time for reunion dinner as we reached BP past 9pm. There was a heavy traffic jam at the causeway. Mei Yan also had to drop by JB to pick up her brother's family.

7 Feb 2008 - Xin Nian Meng En! Blessed Lunar New Year! My family & I attended the CNY service at Saving Grace Chinese Church. Then we "bai-nian" the whole afternoon, visiting some of my Ah-Yi and Ah-Koh. Time did not permit me to visit more.

8 Feb 2008 - A good "elderly" friend brought me out for lunch. Mum & Shuli joined us too. Without fail, this person would call me on the second day of CNY every year. This was the time of the year she knew for sure I would be home. I went shopping at BP Mall tonight. BP is growing numerically & commercially. BP is now the 10th largest town in Malaysia with a population of about 470,000. Everytime I go back, there will be new shopping malls which are crowded with people. Besides BP Mall, there is also Carrefour hypermarket. Both of these are giant size to the envy of Singapore.

9 Feb 2008 - My 2nd brother drove me & Shuli back to Singapore. Mum came along. They dropped by my eldest sister's place to "bai-nian" before spending the rest of the day at my place.

15 Feb 2008 - Shuli returned to Taiwan this morning. We had a wonderful time of fellowship during the one-week she stayed with me.

16 Feb 2008 - BSF workshop today......this signals the end of the long 4-month break. After today, life is going to get busy, busy, busy again. BSF is doing the book of Matthew. YP & I will be co-teaching the Senior Level class (15-18 years old). This is the 2nd time I am teaching the Senior class. The last time was 2004/2005.

23 Feb 2008 - We had our 1st BSF Leaders' Meeting this morning. In the evening, I went with 2 friends to JB to attend a wedding dinner - Teck Hui & Ley Tin's daughter's wedding. TH & LT are good, old friends from Batu Pahat. Believe it or not, we have not seen each other for almost 30 years. It was a beautiful wedding. The most nostalgic part of the evening was the meeting of former BP folks whom we have not seen for almost 30 years since our Youth Fellowship days in Batu Pahat! For many of us, we couldn't recognise each other! It's obvious we don't look as youthful as our teenage years......but the voice, the mannerisms haven't changed a single bit! There is talk about organising a reunion for all BP folks..........before we all pass on.

7 Mar 2008 - I attended the NPC Support group meeting tonight. The talk was on TCM (Traditional Chinese Medicine). This time, the talk would be spread over 2 Fridays. The 2 speakers are TCM physicians from Thong Chai Medical Institution at Chin Swee Road. These 2 physicians specialise in cancer treatment using TCM.

8 Mar 2008 - Today was the 12th General Election in Malaysia. As a Malaysian citizen, I am eligible to vote but I have not gone back to BP to cast my vote for the past 2 or 3 elections. Reason? My vote doesn't make any difference. Why? If you are familiar with Malaysian history, you will know that Batu Pahat is the birthplace of UMNO & therefore a stronghold of UMNO. Politics in BP is very boring because the opposition parties know they have very slim chance of winning here. I stayed up the whole night to watch the results of the election......so shocked with the results I couldn't sleep!

14 Mar 2008 - Attended Part 2 of the talk on TCM at the NPC Support Group meeting.

18 Mar 2008 - Tonight I had to go solo, meaning I had to teach the 2-hour program all by myself as my co-CL was sick. The "spiritual attack" came again. My left ear suffered a sudden blockage when I started my Bible Lesson. The ear blockage also went off suddenly as soon as I finished my 25-min BL. When my ear was blocked, I could not hear myself very clearly so I spoke very loud (this was what CS told me when I shared my experience with her). It happened several times last year too. Strange thing is, my ear would suddenly become blocked when I start the BL. But when I do the other segments (discussion, discovery, closing), I don't experience ear blockage at all. I don't understand. What I know is that each time it happens, I feel very lousy because I can't hear my own voice. But I know that the Holy Spirit will guide my mouth to say the words He wants the students to hear. The amazing thing is I do not need to sip any water during the 2-hour session - not only tonight, but every Tuesday night. This is my experience of God.

This is the end of my daily journal recorded for the months of Feb & Mar. Thanks for reading. Hope you will whisper my name in your prayers each time you read my blog.

praise God I'm still alive & kicking,

tsk tsk

bone scan report

2008-02-01T23:52:00.002+08:00

I went to the SGH ENT centre to collect my bone scan report yesterday. The report confirms my bones are clear and there is no evidence of bone metastasis. (The spread of a cancer to a new part of the body is called metastasis. The bone is the third most common site for metastases after lung and liver.)

I praise God for the good news. It was a great relief. At least it helps me to eliminate one possible cause of my rib pain. But I think I might not be totally out of the woods yet as the rib pain is still there. Looks like it is not easy to trace the source of the pain. The breast clinic will be my next visit. That will be after Chinese New Year.

If you are reading this blog, I know for sure you are one angel who has prayed earnestly for me. I would like to say, "Thank you".

thank you for walking with me in the valleys,
tsk tsk

bone scan

2008-01-23T22:02:00.004+08:00

I went for my bone scan this morning. After the jab, the nurse told me I had to wait 2 hours before the scan could be done. Since it was such a long wait, I was allowed to go back to office to do some work as long as I returned to the hospital within the 2 hours.

I am actually feeling quite scared what the scan might show. I had a hunch something is just not right with my body; it's either my bone or breast that is in trouble this time. More than a year ago, I also had a hunch that something was not right when my ear began to give me problems. And my hunch turned out to be right. This same nightmare is haunting me again. "What if...........?"

Nobody will understand the anxiety, the fear I'm going through. I'm preparing myself for the worst. Although I have to face it alone, the Lord knows how much I can take, He knows my breaking point and He will not allow me to be stretched beyond what I can endure.

"Be merciful to me, O Lord, for I am in distress;
my eyes grow weak with sorrow,
my soul and my body with grief.
My life is consumed by anguish
and my years by groaning;
my strength fails because of my affliction,
and my bones grow weak."
(Psalm 31:9-10)

Those who are still reading this blog are getting fewer & fewer. But I thank you that I still have a place in your heart. Thank you for remembering me. Thank you for praying.

Thank You, Lord, for the pain,
tsk tsk

EBV infection

2008-01-12T09:00:00.004+08:00

Ever heard of EBV infection? I heard this term for the first time during the NPC support group meeting yesterday. Oncologist Dr John Low spoke on "Side-Effects of Radiotherapy & Chemotherapy in Nasopharyngeal Cancer (NPC)". Dr Low mentioned in his talk that the causes of NPC are EBV infection, genetic & diet rich in salted fish, meat & veg. I was curious about this EBV thing so I surfed the internet to find out more.

(1) EBV = Epstein-Bar Virus
(2) There is a complex link between EBV infection and NPC. Many studies have found high levels of this virus in the blood of people with NPC.
(3) EBV is known to cause cells in the nasopharynx to become cancerous. Most people infected with EBV develop only infectious mononucleosis, and their immune system is able to recognize and destroy the virus. These patients recover without any long-term problems.
(4) In some cases, however, pieces of viral DNA mix with the DNA of cells in the nasopharynx. When a cell is infected with the virus, the viral DNA may mix with the normal human DNA. EBV DNA is able to instruct the cells of the nasopharynx to divide and grow in an abnormal way.
(5) EBV infection rarely results in NPC. Eating a diet high in salted fish and meat seems to increase the ability of EBV to cause NPC. Studies indicate that foods preserved in this way may undergo changes that produce chemicals that can damage DNA. The damaged DNA alters the cells’ ability to properly regulate growth and replication.

This info on EBV is interesting. I didn't know I had the EB Virus in my blood. I'm grateful that the Lord had helped me to detect it early & to receive treatment early. Dr Low said there are long-term & late side-effects of radiation. Knowing this will help me to be better prepared for the long walk ahead.

thanks for journeying with me,
tsk tsk

rib pain

2008-01-10T23:38:00.004+08:00

These days, when I notice a lump or feel pain in any part of my body, I will somehow become fearful & scared.

In the past few weeks I could feel pain on the rib bones of my upper chest. When I touch the affected area, I am not sure if it is a bone or lump. Can it be bone metastasis? During my ENT appointment this morning, I took the chance to ask the ENT doctor. The doctor said I could have over-exerted my muscles during exercise. But given that I am a cancer survivor, it is better to be on the side of caution. So I am scheduled to go for a bone scan on 23 Jan.

Please pray for the Lord's protection on my health.

"Be merciful to me, LORD, for I am faint;
O LORD, heal me, for my bones are in agony.
My soul is in anguish.
How long, O LORD, how long?
Turn, O LORD, and deliver me;
save me because of Your unfailing love."
(Psalm 6:2-4)

thanks for journeying with me,
tsk tsk

Happy birthday to me!

2008-01-05T00:28:00.001+08:00

According to western tradition, there are 12 days of Christmas. This period (25Dec-5Jan) is also known as Christmastide. Today is the 12th day of Christmas. It is also my birthday.

I had turned down all who had called or emailed or sms to bring me out to celebrate my birthday. Thank you for remembering my birthday. I'm truly touched by your love. I hope I have not offended or disappointed any of you. As in all previous years, I wanted my birthday to be a quiet day. I prefer to spend the day alone ....... with the Lord.

"For You created my inmost being;
You knit me together in my mother's womb.
I praise You because I am fearfully and wonderfully made;
Your works are wonderful,
I know that full well.
My frame was not hidden from You
when I was made in the secret place.
When I was woven together in the depths of the earth,
Your eyes saw my unformed body."
Psalm 139:13-16

Happy birthday to me!
tsk tsk

hello 2008

2008-01-01T00:07:00.001+08:00

A blessed New Year to you!

This is my new year prayer for you :

"May the Lord answer you when you are in distress;
May the name of the God of Jacob protect you.
May He send you help from the sanctuary
and grant you support from Zion.
May He remember all your sacrifices
and accept your burnt offerings.
May He give you the desire of your heart
and make all your plans succeed."
Psalm 20:1-4

Thank you for being my unseen angels.
Thank you for continuing to walk with me through 2008.

tsk tsk

Thank You, Lord, for 2007

2007-12-31T23:59:00.003+08:00

I will remember 2007 as a year of bitter-sweet memories. It was a year of struggles as I learned to cope with life after cancer. It was a year of challenges as I learned to live with the many side-effects of radiation. But I will also remember 2007 as a year I experienced God's abundant & amazing grace. It was a year I tasted God's goodness & faithfulness.

The past one year had helped me to see things from the eyes of a cancer patient & survivor. Many people do not realise that the recovery process for most cancer patients takes a long time & can be a frustrating, lonely & painful experience. There are frustrating moments when family & friends do not understand what cancer survivors are going through physically & emotionally. There are lonely moments when cancer survivors have to walk through the unknown journey of recovery without knowing what is happening. There are painful moments when cancer survivors are subjected to careless & insensitive remarks by well-meaning people.

On this last day of 2007, I would like to praise & thank God for who He is - the Almighty & Sovereign God, the all-knowing, all-wise, all-loving God. I would like to end the year by singing the following hymn to the Lord.

Thanks to God

Thanks to God for my Redeemer,
Thanks for all Thou dost provide,
Thanks for times now but a memory,
Thanks for Jesus by my side.
Thanks for pleasant, balmy springtime,
Thanks for dark & dreary fall,
Thanks for tears by now forgotten,
Thanks for peace within my soul.

Thanks for prayers that Thou hast answered,
Thanks for what Thou dost deny;
Thanks for storms that I have weathered,
Thanks for all Thou dost supply.
Thanks for pain and thanks for pleasure,
Thanks for comfort in despair,
Thanks for grace that none can measure,
Thanks for love beyond compare.

Thanks for roses by the wayside,
Thanks for thorns their stems contain,
Thanks for home & thanks for fireside,
Thanks for hope, that sweet refrain.
Thanks for joy & thanks for sorrow,
Thanks for heavenly peace within,
Thanks for hope in the tomorrow,
Thanks through all eternity!

"Lord, I thank You for the year just past - the challenges & the joys. I look forward to the coming year and ask that You will shine Your light upon my path that I may walk in Your ways all the days of my life. Amen."

thank you for journeying with me through 2007,
tsk tsk

The Millenium Prayer

2007-12-31T10:47:00.001+08:00

I love Cliff Richard's Millenium Prayer. The song was released by Cliff Richard in 1999 to celebrate the millenium. The lyrics of this hit song are taken from The Lord's Prayer & sung to the tune of Auld Lang Syne. Come every New Year's Eve, my mind will somehow tune to the Millenium Prayer. Join me to watch this very moving video on The Millenium Prayer by Cliff Richard :

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=p1cG-4YSyhQ
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cA5QJS3paAo

"Let all the people say Amen
In every tribe and tongue
Let every heart's desire be joined
To see the kingdom come
Let every hope and every dream
Be born in love again
Let all the world sing with one voice
Let the people say Amen"

Thank You, Lord, for another year,
tsk tsk

hello, what happened to you, huh?

2007-12-30T22:52:00.001+08:00

My thousand apologies for not updating this blog for so long. To all my friends & prayer supporters out there, thanks for the gentle reminder that I have not been doing my job. What have I been up to? What has kept me busy? How am I doing? I hope this posting will answer your questions.

My life is more or less back to normal. My job as a remisier cum financial advisor has kept me pretty busy in this current hot stockmarket. My health has improved, mainly because I can now eat any food I want (as long as no chillie). At this time last year, I was still on liquid milk & "sick" of it.....so "sick" that my weight went drastically down to 41kg by May 2007. I now weigh 46-47kg. This was my usual weight before cancer. I am happy to keep to this weight as I don't have to change my wardrobe!

Below is a snapshot of the main events since my last posting on 7 Nov 07.

14 Nov 07 : Liver scan showed a small cyst. It could be the same cyst that was spotted on my liver before I started radiation. Dr Wong said it looked like a harmless bubble or water cyst, just like some people have spots or pimples on their face. She said some people have cysts on their livers without knowing, so not to worry about it. So what next? To do ultrasound in a year's time.

1 Dec 07 : Attended a church friend's 60th birthday party. It was organised with the theme "Back in the 1960's". Everyone was expected to come dressed in the 1960's outfit! And the songs played & sung that night were the 1960's hits ..... one favourite oldie was Theresa Teng's "Yueliang DaiBiao Wode Xin".

5 Dec 07 : Someone at the above party told me that Qigong was a good health-maintenance exercise for cancer survivors. So this morning, I followed this couple to Pierce Reservoir. But we ended up doing normal stretching exercise as the Qigong master did not come. I need to do more research on Qigong as I do not know if there are aspects of Qigong that are not biblical.

10 Dec 07 : Met up with my former Imperial College classmates for lunch - Alex & Siok Peng. Believe it or not, we had probably not met for the last 10 years or so, although the 3 of us are in Singapore. Imperial College had its anniversary celebration here recently but I didn't go. My former lecturer-cum-supervisor, Anne Benjamin flew in but I didn't get to meet her, although we did have a brief chat over the phone (Anne, if you are reading this, do contact me again the next time you come to Spore).

13 Dec 07 : Appointment with dermatalogist. My skin has become ultra-sensitive to chemicals. My right thumb & thumbnail are badly affected. Henceforth, need to wear gloves to do housework to avoid direct contact with chemicals. Unrelated to my skin problem, I can still feel electric current running down my right arm from time to time, although less frequently now after I started taking Vit B12 complex. My left thumb feels numb & painful occasionally. These are some of the changes taking place in my body which I'm getting used to. It's part of the late & long-term side effects of radiation.

15 Dec 07 : Attended Christmas party held by NCC for cancer survivors (NCC = National Cancer Centre). Good fun, good food, good prizes, big crowd. It was good to see so many cancer survivors coming to enjoy themselves. All my life, I was never "lucky" in winning lucky-draw prizes. In the past, I had attended functions such as company D&D; everyone at my table would win a prize except yours truly. But at the NCC Christmas party, I won 2 prizes! There were 88 prizes. I won the 66th & 8th prizes. How come I won 2 prizes? For the top 10 prizes, everyone's names were thrown in for a re-draw, which meant some survivors would have a chance to win a 2nd prize. I was one of them! Someone commented my "luck" had turned around for the better. But as a Christian, I don't believe in "luck". I believe that God is sovereign & is in full control of my life. Nothing in my life happens by chance or "luck".

Nov-Dec 07 : I had also been busy experimenting with cooking & baking. I would most likely be hosting CNY reunion dinner again next year, so I need to plan my CNY menu now. Besides my signature chocolate pudding cake, people love my pandan kaya cake. Friends would get invited to taste some of these yummy dishes & cakes on one condition - don't ask or pester me for secret recipes! Just eat & enjoy!

I hope to post my last thoughts for 2007 before the year is out.

thanks for walking with me through 2007,
tsk tsk

how radiation can cause thyroid disorders

2007-11-07T23:15:00.003+08:00

In Sep, the test result showed my TSH (Thyroid Stimulating Hormone) reading was quite high. I had to do another blood test in Oct to confirm the result. Today, my oncologist's assistant reviewed this 2nd result with me. It showed my TSH reading had increased further. The result confirms I am hypothyroid.

What is hypothyroidism? Doctors normally don't spend time explaining illnesses to patients. So I went to the internet to find out more.

Hypothyroidism is an underactive thyroid gland. Hypothyroidism means that the thyroid gland can’t make enough thyroid hormone to keep the body running normally. People are hypothyroid if they have too little thyroid hormone in the blood. Common causes are autoimmune disease, surgical removal of the thyroid and radiation treatment.

Radiation used to treat cancers of the head and neck can affect the thyroid gland and may lead to hypothyroidism. Thyroid problems are common in cancer survivors who had head or neck radiation.

Read on if you want to know more about thyroid disorders. Women are 8 times more likely than men to suffer from thyroid problems.

What is the role of our thyroid gland? The thyroid gland is located in the front of the neck just below the larynx (voice box). It secretes hormones that control the body's metabolism. These hormones are thyroxine (T4) and triiodothyronine (T3). The secretion of T3 and T4 is controlled by the pituitary gland which is part of the brain.

The pituitary gland makes a chemical called thyroid-stimulating hormone (TSH) which travels in the blood stream to the thyroid. TSH stimulates the thyroid gland to make the thyroid hormones, T3 and T4. When levels of T3 and T4 are low, the brain increases the production of TSH which in turn tries to make the thyroid gland produce more T3 and T4. Conversely, if the level of either T3 or T4 is too high, the brain senses this and decreases the production of TSH which leads to less production of T3 and T4.

When thyroid hormone levels are too low, the body’s cells can’t get enough thyroid hormone and the body’s processes start slowing down. As the body slows, you may notice that you feel colder, you tire more easily, your skin is getting drier, you’re becoming forgetful and depressed, and you’ve started getting constipated.

There is no cure for hypothyroidism, and most patients have it for life. You have to make a lifetime commitment to treatment. If you take your pills every day and work with your doctor to get and keep your thyroxine dose right, you should be able to keep your hypothyroidism completely controlled throughout your life. If you keep your hypothyroidism well-controlled, it will not shorten your life span.

This is frightening. Frightening to experience the destructive effects of radiation. Frightening at the thought of lifetime medication. Frightening to see my body parts breaking down one by one. "Therefore we do not lose heart. Though outwardly we are wasting away, yet inwardly we are being renewed day by day" (2 Cor 4:16).

thanks for walking with me through this long & lonely journey,

tsk tsk

the story of grandma

2007-11-04T00:15:00.001+08:00

I have no memory of grandma. I had seen a picture of grandma in mum's photo album. She looked like any gentle, loving grandma any child would adore. I had heard from my aunts & uncles grandma loved children. I was told grandma died when I was a little girl. No wonder I have no fond memories of grandma.

Recently, while talking with mum about grandma, it seemed to me like grandma had shown symptoms similar to what we know today as nose cancer. Grandma started to suffer from nose bleeding when she was in her 40's. But her illness became worse & she died 5 years later. Mum said grandpa had brought grandma to Singapore for medical treatment. From what mum described, it seemed like grandma went through something like radiotherapy. I thought to myself, it must be nose cancer then. But somehow, in those days people didn't call it "ai" (cancer) but "gum" in Hokkien. I learned from a friend that "gum" is the old Hokkien word for "cancer". I see, so I've learned something new that I've never known before.

This information is important. One, it seems like I've inherited grandma's genes. Two, it means that genetically, nose cancer might run in my family. Three, it has answered the pertinent question in my mind all this while - how in the world did I get nose cancer? Breast cancer, yes but nose cancer? Now I have the answer.

My oncologist was right. I remember asking him this question, "What is the cause of cancer?" And his straightforward answer was, "Genetics, environment, lifestyle, in this order."

Lord, I pray that in Your mighty power, You will stop this cancer from perpetuating itself in my family, both now & in the future. Amen.

tsk tsk

year-end dinner at Cafe Brio's

2007-11-01T23:46:00.001+08:00

Usually at the end of each BSF year, all the Children's Leaders will celebrate with a dinner. We also invite the new CLs to join us. So tonight, 12 of us met at Copthorne Waterfront's Cafe Brio's for an international buffet. Thanks to Ruby who suggested this place because of the special promotion (1-for-1). The price was good, the food was great but the fellowship was even better.

Sayonara to the following CLs who will be leaving us : Ruby, Geok Hong, Linda, Evelyn. Adieu, girls.......we are going to miss you.

God be with you till we meet again;
When life’s perils thick confound you;
Put His arms unfailing round you;
God be with you till we meet again.

Till we meet, till we meet,
Till we meet at Jesus’ feet;
Till we meet, till we meet,
God be with you till we meet again.

Till we meet again,
tsk tsk

oh, my poor thumb

2007-10-31T23:58:00.004+08:00

Over the last one month or so, my right thumb & thumbnail have become dry & cracked. It is also quite painful. At first I thought nothing of it. Applying moisturiser, cream or balm does not seem to help. In the last one week or so, I could even feel a sensation going up & down my right arm. At first it happened every morning, but now it could come any time during the day. I don't think I am imagining things. Is this a sign of an internal problem? Is it a radiation-related side-effect?

I posed this question to the liver specialist during my consultation today. Dr Wong agreed that my thumb appeared unusually dry & cracked. She referred me to see a dermatologist. Good thing my appointment to see my onco is next Wed. Dr Wee will be able to advise me.

Lord, please protect my body parts from breaking down due to radiation-related effects.

tsk tsk

one year on --- tests & more tests

2007-10-31T23:43:00.003+08:00

It's one year. The CT scan I did in Sep 2007 had revealed some inconclusive results which had to be further verified through tests & more tests in the coming months. Today I had 2 appointments at SGH.

The first appointment was to see the liver specialist. The scan I did in Sep had revealed a cyst in the dome of my liver. Dr Wong said the cyst could have been there for some years. It appeared benign but she suggested that I do a special liver scan for peace of mind. She explained that the scan I did in Sep was a half-body scan so the picture was not that clear. If the liver scan still could not show up the cyst clearly, then I would need to do an ultrasound. The liver scan has been scheduled on 7 Nov & the review on 14 Nov.

The second appointment was to do a blood test. The blood test I did in Sep had shown the thyroid reading to be slightly above average. So my onco had suggested that I do another blood test to further verify the result. The result would be reviewed during my next onco consultation, also on 7 Nov.

Lord, please grant me Your peace amidst the uncertainty of my health.

tsk tsk

first anniversary

2007-10-30T23:54:00.001+08:00

Today is the first anniversary of the end of my radiation. I completed my 33 sessions of IMRT one year ago on 30 Oct 2006. It was a Monday.

I can still remember vividly the surprise party that PS & the gang had organised to celebrate the end of my radiation. PS & Cyndi went with me to SGH. PS drove me home after the treatment. When I reached home, I was greeted by many colourful balloons in my apartment. Who put up the balloons? I was wondering then. I felt that something strange was going on, but did not suspect anything. Mum was in the kitchen but she acted normally. There were no shoes outside the door so it did not arouse my suspicion. But on the way to my bedroom, I got a shock. Coming out of the room one-by-one were the BSF beauties. They had come to celebrate the successful completion of my radiation. I was so touched I wanted to cry.

These were the 9 ladies who made time to be with me : PS, Chuay Fen, Angie, Weng Yin, Cyndi, Kim Ho, Jo Chee, Susan, Shelly. We praised God through songs & prayers. Good thing I had some leftovers of my signature cake, so we ate that as we fellowshiped.

Lord, thank You for being there with me during those painful days.

tsk tsk

what has Romans taught me?

2007-10-27T20:43:00.001+08:00

Today was the finale for the BSF study of Romans. It was Sharing Day for leaders. I didn't get to share, but below is the one-minute sharing I had prepared.

"I praise God for enabling me to complete this year in His strength. It was a difficult year. It was difficult because I was recovering from cancer. It was difficult because I had to learn to manage my physical handicap (dry mouth) & cope with the side effects of cancer (dry/phlegmy throat, blocked ear, stuffed nose, inability to eat). It was difficult because teaching Level 1 kids was a new challenge to me. But in each of these difficult & challenging situations, I had experienced God's enablement & grace. All glory be to God.

I thank God for the many lessons I have learned from the book of Romans. Romans 7 reminds me that the Christian life is a constant struggle but we win through Jesus Christ. Romans 8 assures me that all things that have ever happened to me or can possibly happen to me are so ordered & controlled by God that the end result is inevitably & utterly for my good.

If I can summarise in one sentence what the book of Romans has taught me, it is this : God is sovereign; nothing can defeat God's plan & purpose for me."

Lord, thank You for teaching me Your Word in Romans.

tsk tsk

the eye experience

2007-10-25T23:40:00.001+08:00

A few months ago, the glass on the right side of my specs dropped onto the floor. It broke to pieces. Good thing it happened at home. After that, I had to wear my hard RGP lenses the whole day as I did not have any spare pair of specs. As if that was not enough trouble, on 3 Oct, I carelessly lost my right RGP lens. Now all that I was left with was my left lens. I became "one-eye Jane" overnight. If I were to lose my left lens too, I would be as good as blind (my myopia is a high 750 deg). This was a highly dangerous position to be in, so off to the optometrist I went the next day.

I have heard of orthokeratology from Fen & thought it might be a good idea to give it a try. Ortho-k is supposed to be a safe alternative to lasik. This is how ortho-k works : you put on specialised contact lenses prior to going to sleep at night and wake up the next morning, remove the lens & see clearly all day, free from specs or contact lenses. Sounds great, right?

After the optometrist discussed with me the pros & cons of ortho-k, I agreed to undergo the test. But first I must make a new pair of specs. The optometrist gave me a pair of disposable contact lenses to wear for the time being. I must wait for my specs to be ready before I could start on the ortho-k test.

On 25 Oct, the one-day ortho-k test began. I put on the ortho special lenses in the morning & returned in the late afternoon for the result. The optometrist was pleased with the result. My eyes improved by 100 deg within the first day of testing. It meant that my eyes were suitable for ortho-k. But now came the hard decision --- do I really want to switch to ortho-k? After discussing thoroughly with the optometrist, I decided to stick to my good, old hard RGP lenses. I prefer to have the flexibility to choose what I want to wear - lenses or specs. But with ortho-k, I will not have that flexibility. I die-die must remember to wear the ortho-k lenses every night or else I will not be able to see clearly the next morning. Honestly, I am not that disciplined. What if I forget or what if my eyes feel tired or what if I don't feel like wearing one night? I can't afford to take this risk as it will affect my work the next morning. I am in stockbroking & need to execute orders for my client first thing in the morning. If I can't see, how to work? Also, I don't like the thought of wearing something in my eyes when I sleep.

I'm glad I went for the ortho-k test. It has given me a better idea how ortho-k works. I'm thankful to the optometrist who shared with me her personal experience as she herself is an ortho-k wearer. I'm thankful she so patiently listened to & answered all my questions & guided me to make the decision that best met my needs.

So now my eye problem is solved. I am sticking to the old faithful hard lenses & specs. It gives me a choice of wearing either one depending on my mood & eye condition.

Lord, thank you for taking care of my eyes.

tsk tsk

sayonara to bsf 2007.......

2007-10-24T00:57:00.001+08:00

Yeh.....yesterday was the last BSF class for this year. From today, there will be no more homework to do, no more lesson to prepare, no more need to burn oil till past midnight on Friday, no more alarm ringing at 4.10am on Saturday.

Next year, the new BSF term will start on 26 Feb. That is a break of 17 weeks! Wow, that is a cool 4-month break, the longest break in my 13 years in BSF. We will be studying the book of Matthew. This will conclude my second cycle in BSF.

I will need to start planning how to use these 17 weeks fruitfully & productively so that no precious time will be wasted. Time gone is time wasted, never to return.

To all BSF leaders who are still faithfully following this blog, thank you for assuring me I'm still in your thoughts & prayers. To those who are leaving BSF, sayonara & hope to see you again......if not on earth, then in heaven. Hope you will continue to read my blog & drop me an encouraging note now & then to tell me how you are getting on.

Lord, bless all these angels you had sent me in my time of illness.

tsk tsk