I came home to a very quiet & lonely apartment. There was no one I could talk to. Lord, where are You?
Tears rolled down my face. I felt so lost & lonely. I tried to make sense of what was happening. I couldn't believe I had succumbed to the very illness I had worked so hard to avoid all these years. I had seen how my late sister had struggled & suffered when she had breast cancer 18 years ago. Haven't I followed the healthy lifestyle as prescribed by health books? Then how come I still have cancer? What has gone wrong? What stage is my cancer? Will I die? How long more can I live? What should I do now? There were so many questions but no answers.
I knelt down beside my bed in desperation. I cried out to the Lord. I questioned, I pleaded, I implored. I told God I was scared. I prayed, "Lord, I don't know what to do but my eyes are on You." I was on my knees for hours, with my Bible before me. I didn't sleep the whole night. I could sense the Lord's presence in my loneliest moments. God saw my anguish, my pain, my fears. I asked the Lord for a Bible verse to assure me He would be with me all the way. I opened my Bible & this verse caught my eyes :
"My flesh and my heart may fail,
but God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever." (Psalm 73:26)
God spoke to me. I heard Him. God had given me His word. God promised He would be my Strength & my Portion forever. That was sufficient. That was all I needed to know - that God was with me & I was not alone. God's words gave me comfort. God's words gave me assurance. God's words gave me hope against all hope. I ended my prayer, "Lord, no matter how hard or uncertain the journey, I know I can trust You all the way."
I lifted myself up. I felt much strengthened. I was ready to begin my journey with cancer. God had assured me He would fight this battle for me. This battle belonged to God. The battle would be fought not in my strength, but in His strength. If God is with me, what do I fear? The words of the psalmist came to my mind, "When I am afraid, I will trust in You......in God I trust; I will not be afraid. What can 'cancer' do to me?" (Psalm 56:3-4)
I spent the wee hours of the morning sending emails to all my contacts. Although tired & hungry, I felt I was ready for the battle ahead of me. God had strengthened me. God had comforted me. God had assured me. I was confident I would win the battle against cancer in the Lord's strength. God is Sovereign & is in full control of my life. I submitted myself to the Lord's will.
The journey into the unknown had just begun. The worst was yet to come. In the coming weeks & months, I suffered the most agonising pain in my life.
............. to be continued in the next instalment.
Lesson : God is strong when we are weak.
When we are at the lowest point in our life, only God's strength is sufficient to sustain us. God is strongest when we are weakest.
Application : What will you do when your burden is so heavy you feel you can't carry on anymore?
thanks for joining me in this memorable journey into the past,
tsk tsk
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