how to deal with fellow Christians who are suffering

What should you do or not do with regards to a fellow Christian who is suffering from a critical illness? You would probably admit that many a time in such a situation, you do feel unsure as to what is the right thing to do or say. Having been a cancer patient myself, allow me to provide you with a 10-point guide to assist you in ministering to your fellow Christians who are going through the pain & suffering of a critical illness.

The 10 Don'ts

1. Don't be judgemental. Don't pass judgement or give your views on why the person is sick or suffering. You are called to comfort, not to condemn others.
2. Don't preach. Don't be like Job's 3 friends who thought they knew all the answers but had not known suffering in their own lives.
3. Don't compare. Every person is different; every illness is different; and God has a different plan & purpose for everyone. Don't tell stories of how some people you know had been healed or had died from the illness. Hearing the stories about other people's illness will only make the person more miserable. It might even cause him to question why God is so unfair, why He healed some & not others. Even the Lord Jesus did not heal everyone during His time on earth.
4. Don't dispense advice or prescribe solutions. You are not a doctor or a dietician, so don’t be too eager to recommend an alternative cure or diet supplement based on hearsay. There is no scientific proof to all these cure-all claims. You will only confuse the person or make him feel guilty should he not get well.
5. Don't question the faith of the person or imply that his faith is weak at a time when he is physically & emotionally weak. God holds us responsible for every careless word spoken (Matt 12:36-37). Don’t expect everyone to have super-faith at all times. We all go through mountaintop & valley experiences at certain points in our lives.
6. Don’t play God. Don’t be too eager to tell the person what God can do in his life or pronounce God's judgement on him. You are not God. You don't know what is God's plan for him. God will enable the person to see His will & purpose in His own way & in His own time.
7. Don’t talk more than you listen. Do not feel that you need to entertain the person by telling stories or talking about work & church unless the person asks. At this moment, these are the least important issues to the person as his priority is to get well. Talk less, listen more. Let the person relieve his inner pain by pouring out his heart to you. Let the person have some peace & quiet moments; don't talk incessantly for it can be irritating to the person.
8. Don’t call. Don’t stress the person by making him repeat his story to everyone who calls. If you would like him to know that you care, simply drop him an sms, email or card to encourage him. Another way to show love is to offer help in practical ways.
9. Don’t visit, unless you feel your visit will make a difference to the person. If you do visit, a silent conversation or holding the person’s hand is the best thing you can do to a person who needs comfort & assurance.
10. Don’t act so holy that you are of no earthly value. Be realistic. Christians are also human. When hit by unexpected news of a critical illness, it is human to feel anxious, to express our fears or even to question God. Allow the person to feel angry, anguished, fearful, scared, unhappy. I believe Jesus understands as He was made human like us & had also suffered like us so He is able to help us overcome our anxiety, fears & doubts. I believe God wants us to cry & ask questions. I believe God wants us to get it off our chest. God listens with compassion when we bare our soul to Him, when we tell Him our inner fears, when we tell Him we are scared to suffer or die. God had experienced the pain of His Son's death. I’m sure God understands how we feel. I’m sure God knows we will react to bad news this way because He made us human with feelings. And He will heal our pain in His own way & in His own time.

Emotional pain takes a longer time to heal than physical pain. Some cancer survivors I've met told me the emotional wounds they suffered lingered on even years after they had recovered from their illness. I understand what they mean as I had been through it all. I understand because like them, I had also been hurt emotionally many a time by well-meaning Christians who made insensitive & careless remarks. I pray that God will potect me from such people.
Brothers & sisters in Christ, I pray that everyone of us will learn to be sensitive to others & be careful with our words & attitudes as we reach out to our fellow Christians who are suffering. Let us not be a stumbling block to others but to show them God's love & compassion.
p/s : part 2 on the "Do's" will be featured another time.
thanks for reaching out to me with God's love & compassion,
tsk tsk

PET scan

I went to SGH to do PET scan this morning. It was such a long day. I was there from 10.30am to 3.30pm. I was so hungry the first thing I did when I came home was to find food. I was required to fast from midnight to prepare for the scan.

I am thankful to these 2 BSF ladies who drove me to & from SGH despite their busy schedule - CF & PS. CF had to fetch her children to/from school after dropping me off at SGH; PS waited for me while I was in the scanning room --- that was a cool 3-hour wait. I am thankful to God for always sending angels to attend to me in my time of need. My DG leader, FM, is so right when he said that BSF is God's gift to me. Indeed it is, and always has been.

The PET scan results will be known in a day or two, but I do not wish to know the results until I see my oncologist next Wed. My heart tells me it would be bad news, so I don't want to hear it too soon. This "lung" thing has been troubling me since last year when I first learned of the tiny nodule on my right lung. I've been preparing myself for the worst since then. Now it seems that the day has come.

Whatever the outcome, I will praise God along with the psalmist : "Then my soul will rejoice in the LORD & delight in His salvation." (Psalm 35:9)

thanks for walking with me in my journey with cancer,
tsk tsk

has cancer spread to my lungs?

Has cancer spread to my lungs? I will know the answer by next week.

My lung scan report released today was not good. The 2 nodules had grown in size. I thought that previously there was only one nodule, how come now there are 2? The report says, "These are suspicious for metastasis" (metastasis means cancer has spread to another part of the body).
My oncologist immediately arranged for me to do an urgent PET scan test tomorrow. Positron Emission Tomography or PET scan is a unique type of imaging test that helps doctors see how the organs and tissues inside the body are actually functioning. PET scans are commonly used to detect cancer, heart problems, brain disorders and other central nervous system disorders.

This is my second health scare since Aug 2006. I had been rather anxious about my lungs since Sep 2007 when my body-scan report revealed a "stable non-specific nodule" on my right lung. I couldn't sleep the whole night yesterday; maybe subconsciously my mind was anxious. Sometimes my body seems to forewarn me about something unpleasant that is to come.

I was so exhausted after a whole day in the hospital today that I napped for more than an hour when I came home. Alone at home, I felt so lost & lonely. The place was so quiet. There was no one I could confide in or cry with. Lord, where are You? In times like this, I sometimes feel like the Lord has forgotten me.

Please uphold me in prayers as I go through another hurdle with cancer,

tsk tsk

lung scan

In Sep 2007, a body scan showed a small cyst on my right lung. The doctor said to wait for 6 months before following up with another scan. So I did the lung scan today (ie CT thorax).

In the past few months, I have been experiencing pain occasionally on my upper chest area. I don't know if it is a sign of any trouble. A bone scan I did in Jan did not reveal anything wrong with my bones. I pray that my lung scan will not show anything wrong with my lungs either.

So where does the chest pain come from? I can't seem to identify the cause. Maybe it's just muscle pain.

tsk tsk

I am still alive & kicking

My long silence could mean 2 things. Either I'm dead or I'm busy like everyone else. In the event I enter into eternal glory, there will be an announcement on this blog. I know that my former manager, PS will announce my departure on this blog on my behalf. PS was the creator of this blog & she will also bring it to a close should I go to heaven before her.

So, tsk tsk, what have you been doing these past 2 months? Good thing I keep a daily journal, so it's not a problem recalling what I did in Feb & Mar.

5 Feb 2008 - Today was the eve of Lunar New Year's Eve. I held a reunion dinner tonight because I would be going home to Batu Pahat tomorrow. My youngest sister, Shuli came back for CNY (she is based in Taiwan). My eldest sister, Shuyun & family joined us for dinner.

6 Feb 2008 - I baked Pandan Kaya cake this morning for my family. Shuli's friend, Mei Yan gave us a lift back to Batu Pahat. We left Singapore at about 4pm. We did not make it in time for reunion dinner as we reached BP past 9pm. There was a heavy traffic jam at the causeway. Mei Yan also had to drop by JB to pick up her brother's family.

7 Feb 2008 - Xin Nian Meng En! Blessed Lunar New Year! My family & I attended the CNY service at Saving Grace Chinese Church. Then we "bai-nian" the whole afternoon, visiting some of my Ah-Yi and Ah-Koh. Time did not permit me to visit more.

8 Feb 2008 - A good "elderly" friend brought me out for lunch. Mum & Shuli joined us too. Without fail, this person would call me on the second day of CNY every year. This was the time of the year she knew for sure I would be home. I went shopping at BP Mall tonight. BP is growing numerically & commercially. BP is now the 10th largest town in Malaysia with a population of about 470,000. Everytime I go back, there will be new shopping malls which are crowded with people. Besides BP Mall, there is also Carrefour hypermarket. Both of these are giant size to the envy of Singapore.

9 Feb 2008 - My 2nd brother drove me & Shuli back to Singapore. Mum came along. They dropped by my eldest sister's place to "bai-nian" before spending the rest of the day at my place.

15 Feb 2008 - Shuli returned to Taiwan this morning. We had a wonderful time of fellowship during the one-week she stayed with me.

16 Feb 2008 - BSF workshop today......this signals the end of the long 4-month break. After today, life is going to get busy, busy, busy again. BSF is doing the book of Matthew. YP & I will be co-teaching the Senior Level class (15-18 years old). This is the 2nd time I am teaching the Senior class. The last time was 2004/2005.

23 Feb 2008 - We had our 1st BSF Leaders' Meeting this morning. In the evening, I went with 2 friends to JB to attend a wedding dinner - Teck Hui & Ley Tin's daughter's wedding. TH & LT are good, old friends from Batu Pahat. Believe it or not, we have not seen each other for almost 30 years. It was a beautiful wedding. The most nostalgic part of the evening was the meeting of former BP folks whom we have not seen for almost 30 years since our Youth Fellowship days in Batu Pahat! For many of us, we couldn't recognise each other! It's obvious we don't look as youthful as our teenage years......but the voice, the mannerisms haven't changed a single bit! There is talk about organising a reunion for all BP folks..........before we all pass on.

7 Mar 2008 - I attended the NPC Support group meeting tonight. The talk was on TCM (Traditional Chinese Medicine). This time, the talk would be spread over 2 Fridays. The 2 speakers are TCM physicians from Thong Chai Medical Institution at Chin Swee Road. These 2 physicians specialise in cancer treatment using TCM.

8 Mar 2008 - Today was the 12th General Election in Malaysia. As a Malaysian citizen, I am eligible to vote but I have not gone back to BP to cast my vote for the past 2 or 3 elections. Reason? My vote doesn't make any difference. Why? If you are familiar with Malaysian history, you will know that Batu Pahat is the birthplace of UMNO & therefore a stronghold of UMNO. Politics in BP is very boring because the opposition parties know they have very slim chance of winning here. I stayed up the whole night to watch the results of the election......so shocked with the results I couldn't sleep!

14 Mar 2008 - Attended Part 2 of the talk on TCM at the NPC Support Group meeting.

18 Mar 2008 - Tonight I had to go solo, meaning I had to teach the 2-hour program all by myself as my co-CL was sick. The "spiritual attack" came again. My left ear suffered a sudden blockage when I started my Bible Lesson. The ear blockage also went off suddenly as soon as I finished my 25-min BL. When my ear was blocked, I could not hear myself very clearly so I spoke very loud (this was what CS told me when I shared my experience with her). It happened several times last year too. Strange thing is, my ear would suddenly become blocked when I start the BL. But when I do the other segments (discussion, discovery, closing), I don't experience ear blockage at all. I don't understand. What I know is that each time it happens, I feel very lousy because I can't hear my own voice. But I know that the Holy Spirit will guide my mouth to say the words He wants the students to hear. The amazing thing is I do not need to sip any water during the 2-hour session - not only tonight, but every Tuesday night. This is my experience of God.

This is the end of my daily journal recorded for the months of Feb & Mar. Thanks for reading. Hope you will whisper my name in your prayers each time you read my blog.

praise God I'm still alive & kicking,

tsk tsk

bone scan report

I went to the SGH ENT centre to collect my bone scan report yesterday. The report confirms my bones are clear and there is no evidence of bone metastasis. (The spread of a cancer to a new part of the body is called metastasis. The bone is the third most common site for metastases after lung and liver.)

I praise God for the good news. It was a great relief. At least it helps me to eliminate one possible cause of my rib pain. But I think I might not be totally out of the woods yet as the rib pain is still there. Looks like it is not easy to trace the source of the pain. The breast clinic will be my next visit. That will be after Chinese New Year.

If you are reading this blog, I know for sure you are one angel who has prayed earnestly for me. I would like to say, "Thank you".

thank you for walking with me in the valleys,
tsk tsk

bone scan

I went for my bone scan this morning. After the jab, the nurse told me I had to wait 2 hours before the scan could be done. Since it was such a long wait, I was allowed to go back to office to do some work as long as I returned to the hospital within the 2 hours.

I am actually feeling quite scared what the scan might show. I had a hunch something is just not right with my body; it's either my bone or breast that is in trouble this time. More than a year ago, I also had a hunch that something was not right when my ear began to give me problems. And my hunch turned out to be right. This same nightmare is haunting me again. "What if...........?"

Nobody will understand the anxiety, the fear I'm going through. I'm preparing myself for the worst. Although I have to face it alone, the Lord knows how much I can take, He knows my breaking point and He will not allow me to be stretched beyond what I can endure.

"Be merciful to me, O Lord, for I am in distress;
my eyes grow weak with sorrow,
my soul and my body with grief.
My life is consumed by anguish
and my years by groaning;
my strength fails because of my affliction,
and my bones grow weak."
(Psalm 31:9-10)

Those who are still reading this blog are getting fewer & fewer. But I thank you that I still have a place in your heart. Thank you for remembering me. Thank you for praying.

Thank You, Lord, for the pain,
tsk tsk

EBV infection

Ever heard of EBV infection? I heard this term for the first time during the NPC support group meeting yesterday. Oncologist Dr John Low spoke on "Side-Effects of Radiotherapy & Chemotherapy in Nasopharyngeal Cancer (NPC)". Dr Low mentioned in his talk that the causes of NPC are EBV infection, genetic & diet rich in salted fish, meat & veg. I was curious about this EBV thing so I surfed the internet to find out more.

(1) EBV = Epstein-Bar Virus
(2) There is a complex link between EBV infection and NPC. Many studies have found high levels of this virus in the blood of people with NPC.
(3) EBV is known to cause cells in the nasopharynx to become cancerous. Most people infected with EBV develop only infectious mononucleosis, and their immune system is able to recognize and destroy the virus. These patients recover without any long-term problems.
(4) In some cases, however, pieces of viral DNA mix with the DNA of cells in the nasopharynx. When a cell is infected with the virus, the viral DNA may mix with the normal human DNA. EBV DNA is able to instruct the cells of the nasopharynx to divide and grow in an abnormal way.
(5) EBV infection rarely results in NPC. Eating a diet high in salted fish and meat seems to increase the ability of EBV to cause NPC. Studies indicate that foods preserved in this way may undergo changes that produce chemicals that can damage DNA. The damaged DNA alters the cells’ ability to properly regulate growth and replication.

This info on EBV is interesting. I didn't know I had the EB Virus in my blood. I'm grateful that the Lord had helped me to detect it early & to receive treatment early. Dr Low said there are long-term & late side-effects of radiation. Knowing this will help me to be better prepared for the long walk ahead.

thanks for journeying with me,
tsk tsk

rib pain

These days, when I notice a lump or feel pain in any part of my body, I will somehow become fearful & scared.

In the past few weeks I could feel pain on the rib bones of my upper chest. When I touch the affected area, I am not sure if it is a bone or lump. Can it be bone metastasis? During my ENT appointment this morning, I took the chance to ask the ENT doctor. The doctor said I could have over-exerted my muscles during exercise. But given that I am a cancer survivor, it is better to be on the side of caution. So I am scheduled to go for a bone scan on 23 Jan.

Please pray for the Lord's protection on my health.

"Be merciful to me, LORD, for I am faint;
O LORD, heal me, for my bones are in agony.
My soul is in anguish.
How long, O LORD, how long?
Turn, O LORD, and deliver me;
save me because of Your unfailing love."
(Psalm 6:2-4)

thanks for journeying with me,
tsk tsk

Happy birthday to me!

According to western tradition, there are 12 days of Christmas. This period (25Dec-5Jan) is also known as Christmastide. Today is the 12th day of Christmas. It is also my birthday.

I had turned down all who had called or emailed or sms to bring me out to celebrate my birthday. Thank you for remembering my birthday. I'm truly touched by your love. I hope I have not offended or disappointed any of you. As in all previous years, I wanted my birthday to be a quiet day. I prefer to spend the day alone ....... with the Lord.

"For You created my inmost being;
You knit me together in my mother's womb.
I praise You because I am fearfully and wonderfully made;
Your works are wonderful,
I know that full well.
My frame was not hidden from You
when I was made in the secret place.
When I was woven together in the depths of the earth,
Your eyes saw my unformed body."
Psalm 139:13-16

Happy birthday to me!
tsk tsk

hello 2008

A blessed New Year to you!

This is my new year prayer for you :

"May the Lord answer you when you are in distress;
May the name of the God of Jacob protect you.
May He send you help from the sanctuary
and grant you support from Zion.
May He remember all your sacrifices
and accept your burnt offerings.
May He give you the desire of your heart
and make all your plans succeed."
Psalm 20:1-4

Thank you for being my unseen angels.
Thank you for continuing to walk with me through 2008.

tsk tsk

Thank You, Lord, for 2007

I will remember 2007 as a year of bitter-sweet memories. It was a year of struggles as I learned to cope with life after cancer. It was a year of challenges as I learned to live with the many side-effects of radiation. But I will also remember 2007 as a year I experienced God's abundant & amazing grace. It was a year I tasted God's goodness & faithfulness.

The past one year had helped me to see things from the eyes of a cancer patient & survivor. Many people do not realise that the recovery process for most cancer patients takes a long time & can be a frustrating, lonely & painful experience. There are frustrating moments when family & friends do not understand what cancer survivors are going through physically & emotionally. There are lonely moments when cancer survivors have to walk through the unknown journey of recovery without knowing what is happening. There are painful moments when cancer survivors are subjected to careless & insensitive remarks by well-meaning people.

On this last day of 2007, I would like to praise & thank God for who He is - the Almighty & Sovereign God, the all-knowing, all-wise, all-loving God. I would like to end the year by singing the following hymn to the Lord.

Thanks to God

Thanks to God for my Redeemer,
Thanks for all Thou dost provide,
Thanks for times now but a memory,
Thanks for Jesus by my side.
Thanks for pleasant, balmy springtime,
Thanks for dark & dreary fall,
Thanks for tears by now forgotten,
Thanks for peace within my soul.

Thanks for prayers that Thou hast answered,
Thanks for what Thou dost deny;
Thanks for storms that I have weathered,
Thanks for all Thou dost supply.
Thanks for pain and thanks for pleasure,
Thanks for comfort in despair,
Thanks for grace that none can measure,
Thanks for love beyond compare.

Thanks for roses by the wayside,
Thanks for thorns their stems contain,
Thanks for home & thanks for fireside,
Thanks for hope, that sweet refrain.
Thanks for joy & thanks for sorrow,
Thanks for heavenly peace within,
Thanks for hope in the tomorrow,
Thanks through all eternity!

"Lord, I thank You for the year just past - the challenges & the joys. I look forward to the coming year and ask that You will shine Your light upon my path that I may walk in Your ways all the days of my life. Amen."

thank you for journeying with me through 2007,
tsk tsk

The Millenium Prayer

I love Cliff Richard's Millenium Prayer. The song was released by Cliff Richard in 1999 to celebrate the millenium. The lyrics of this hit song are taken from The Lord's Prayer & sung to the tune of Auld Lang Syne. Come every New Year's Eve, my mind will somehow tune to the Millenium Prayer. Join me to watch this very moving video on The Millenium Prayer by Cliff Richard :

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=p1cG-4YSyhQ
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cA5QJS3paAo

"Let all the people say Amen
In every tribe and tongue
Let every heart's desire be joined
To see the kingdom come
Let every hope and every dream
Be born in love again
Let all the world sing with one voice
Let the people say Amen"

Thank You, Lord, for another year,
tsk tsk

hello, what happened to you, huh?

My thousand apologies for not updating this blog for so long. To all my friends & prayer supporters out there, thanks for the gentle reminder that I have not been doing my job. What have I been up to? What has kept me busy? How am I doing? I hope this posting will answer your questions.

My life is more or less back to normal. My job as a remisier cum financial advisor has kept me pretty busy in this current hot stockmarket. My health has improved, mainly because I can now eat any food I want (as long as no chillie). At this time last year, I was still on liquid milk & "sick" of it.....so "sick" that my weight went drastically down to 41kg by May 2007. I now weigh 46-47kg. This was my usual weight before cancer. I am happy to keep to this weight as I don't have to change my wardrobe!

Below is a snapshot of the main events since my last posting on 7 Nov 07.

14 Nov 07 : Liver scan showed a small cyst. It could be the same cyst that was spotted on my liver before I started radiation. Dr Wong said it looked like a harmless bubble or water cyst, just like some people have spots or pimples on their face. She said some people have cysts on their livers without knowing, so not to worry about it. So what next? To do ultrasound in a year's time.

1 Dec 07 : Attended a church friend's 60th birthday party. It was organised with the theme "Back in the 1960's". Everyone was expected to come dressed in the 1960's outfit! And the songs played & sung that night were the 1960's hits ..... one favourite oldie was Theresa Teng's "Yueliang DaiBiao Wode Xin".

5 Dec 07 : Someone at the above party told me that Qigong was a good health-maintenance exercise for cancer survivors. So this morning, I followed this couple to Pierce Reservoir. But we ended up doing normal stretching exercise as the Qigong master did not come. I need to do more research on Qigong as I do not know if there are aspects of Qigong that are not biblical.

10 Dec 07 : Met up with my former Imperial College classmates for lunch - Alex & Siok Peng. Believe it or not, we had probably not met for the last 10 years or so, although the 3 of us are in Singapore. Imperial College had its anniversary celebration here recently but I didn't go. My former lecturer-cum-supervisor, Anne Benjamin flew in but I didn't get to meet her, although we did have a brief chat over the phone (Anne, if you are reading this, do contact me again the next time you come to Spore).

13 Dec 07 : Appointment with dermatalogist. My skin has become ultra-sensitive to chemicals. My right thumb & thumbnail are badly affected. Henceforth, need to wear gloves to do housework to avoid direct contact with chemicals. Unrelated to my skin problem, I can still feel electric current running down my right arm from time to time, although less frequently now after I started taking Vit B12 complex. My left thumb feels numb & painful occasionally. These are some of the changes taking place in my body which I'm getting used to. It's part of the late & long-term side effects of radiation.

15 Dec 07 : Attended Christmas party held by NCC for cancer survivors (NCC = National Cancer Centre). Good fun, good food, good prizes, big crowd. It was good to see so many cancer survivors coming to enjoy themselves. All my life, I was never "lucky" in winning lucky-draw prizes. In the past, I had attended functions such as company D&D; everyone at my table would win a prize except yours truly. But at the NCC Christmas party, I won 2 prizes! There were 88 prizes. I won the 66th & 8th prizes. How come I won 2 prizes? For the top 10 prizes, everyone's names were thrown in for a re-draw, which meant some survivors would have a chance to win a 2nd prize. I was one of them! Someone commented my "luck" had turned around for the better. But as a Christian, I don't believe in "luck". I believe that God is sovereign & is in full control of my life. Nothing in my life happens by chance or "luck".

Nov-Dec 07 : I had also been busy experimenting with cooking & baking. I would most likely be hosting CNY reunion dinner again next year, so I need to plan my CNY menu now. Besides my signature chocolate pudding cake, people love my pandan kaya cake. Friends would get invited to taste some of these yummy dishes & cakes on one condition - don't ask or pester me for secret recipes! Just eat & enjoy!

I hope to post my last thoughts for 2007 before the year is out.

thanks for walking with me through 2007,
tsk tsk

how radiation can cause thyroid disorders

In Sep, the test result showed my TSH (Thyroid Stimulating Hormone) reading was quite high. I had to do another blood test in Oct to confirm the result. Today, my oncologist's assistant reviewed this 2nd result with me. It showed my TSH reading had increased further. The result confirms I am hypothyroid.

What is hypothyroidism? Doctors normally don't spend time explaining illnesses to patients. So I went to the internet to find out more.

Hypothyroidism is an underactive thyroid gland. Hypothyroidism means that the thyroid gland can’t make enough thyroid hormone to keep the body running normally. People are hypothyroid if they have too little thyroid hormone in the blood. Common causes are autoimmune disease, surgical removal of the thyroid and radiation treatment.

Radiation used to treat cancers of the head and neck can affect the thyroid gland and may lead to hypothyroidism. Thyroid problems are common in cancer survivors who had head or neck radiation.

Read on if you want to know more about thyroid disorders. Women are 8 times more likely than men to suffer from thyroid problems.

What is the role of our thyroid gland? The thyroid gland is located in the front of the neck just below the larynx (voice box). It secretes hormones that control the body's metabolism. These hormones are thyroxine (T4) and triiodothyronine (T3). The secretion of T3 and T4 is controlled by the pituitary gland which is part of the brain.

The pituitary gland makes a chemical called thyroid-stimulating hormone (TSH) which travels in the blood stream to the thyroid. TSH stimulates the thyroid gland to make the thyroid hormones, T3 and T4. When levels of T3 and T4 are low, the brain increases the production of TSH which in turn tries to make the thyroid gland produce more T3 and T4. Conversely, if the level of either T3 or T4 is too high, the brain senses this and decreases the production of TSH which leads to less production of T3 and T4.

When thyroid hormone levels are too low, the body’s cells can’t get enough thyroid hormone and the body’s processes start slowing down. As the body slows, you may notice that you feel colder, you tire more easily, your skin is getting drier, you’re becoming forgetful and depressed, and you’ve started getting constipated.

There is no cure for hypothyroidism, and most patients have it for life. You have to make a lifetime commitment to treatment. If you take your pills every day and work with your doctor to get and keep your thyroxine dose right, you should be able to keep your hypothyroidism completely controlled throughout your life. If you keep your hypothyroidism well-controlled, it will not shorten your life span.

This is frightening. Frightening to experience the destructive effects of radiation. Frightening at the thought of lifetime medication. Frightening to see my body parts breaking down one by one. "Therefore we do not lose heart. Though outwardly we are wasting away, yet inwardly we are being renewed day by day" (2 Cor 4:16).

thanks for walking with me through this long & lonely journey,

tsk tsk

the story of grandma

I have no memory of grandma. I had seen a picture of grandma in mum's photo album. She looked like any gentle, loving grandma any child would adore. I had heard from my aunts & uncles grandma loved children. I was told grandma died when I was a little girl. No wonder I have no fond memories of grandma.

Recently, while talking with mum about grandma, it seemed to me like grandma had shown symptoms similar to what we know today as nose cancer. Grandma started to suffer from nose bleeding when she was in her 40's. But her illness became worse & she died 5 years later. Mum said grandpa had brought grandma to Singapore for medical treatment. From what mum described, it seemed like grandma went through something like radiotherapy. I thought to myself, it must be nose cancer then. But somehow, in those days people didn't call it "ai" (cancer) but "gum" in Hokkien. I learned from a friend that "gum" is the old Hokkien word for "cancer". I see, so I've learned something new that I've never known before.

This information is important. One, it seems like I've inherited grandma's genes. Two, it means that genetically, nose cancer might run in my family. Three, it has answered the pertinent question in my mind all this while - how in the world did I get nose cancer? Breast cancer, yes but nose cancer? Now I have the answer.

My oncologist was right. I remember asking him this question, "What is the cause of cancer?" And his straightforward answer was, "Genetics, environment, lifestyle, in this order."

Lord, I pray that in Your mighty power, You will stop this cancer from perpetuating itself in my family, both now & in the future. Amen.

tsk tsk

year-end dinner at Cafe Brio's

Usually at the end of each BSF year, all the Children's Leaders will celebrate with a dinner. We also invite the new CLs to join us. So tonight, 12 of us met at Copthorne Waterfront's Cafe Brio's for an international buffet. Thanks to Ruby who suggested this place because of the special promotion (1-for-1). The price was good, the food was great but the fellowship was even better.

Sayonara to the following CLs who will be leaving us : Ruby, Geok Hong, Linda, Evelyn. Adieu, girls.......we are going to miss you.

God be with you till we meet again;
When life’s perils thick confound you;
Put His arms unfailing round you;
God be with you till we meet again.

Till we meet, till we meet,
Till we meet at Jesus’ feet;
Till we meet, till we meet,
God be with you till we meet again.

Till we meet again,
tsk tsk

oh, my poor thumb

Over the last one month or so, my right thumb & thumbnail have become dry & cracked. It is also quite painful. At first I thought nothing of it. Applying moisturiser, cream or balm does not seem to help. In the last one week or so, I could even feel a sensation going up & down my right arm. At first it happened every morning, but now it could come any time during the day. I don't think I am imagining things. Is this a sign of an internal problem? Is it a radiation-related side-effect?

I posed this question to the liver specialist during my consultation today. Dr Wong agreed that my thumb appeared unusually dry & cracked. She referred me to see a dermatologist. Good thing my appointment to see my onco is next Wed. Dr Wee will be able to advise me.

Lord, please protect my body parts from breaking down due to radiation-related effects.

tsk tsk

one year on --- tests & more tests

It's one year. The CT scan I did in Sep 2007 had revealed some inconclusive results which had to be further verified through tests & more tests in the coming months. Today I had 2 appointments at SGH.

The first appointment was to see the liver specialist. The scan I did in Sep had revealed a cyst in the dome of my liver. Dr Wong said the cyst could have been there for some years. It appeared benign but she suggested that I do a special liver scan for peace of mind. She explained that the scan I did in Sep was a half-body scan so the picture was not that clear. If the liver scan still could not show up the cyst clearly, then I would need to do an ultrasound. The liver scan has been scheduled on 7 Nov & the review on 14 Nov.

The second appointment was to do a blood test. The blood test I did in Sep had shown the thyroid reading to be slightly above average. So my onco had suggested that I do another blood test to further verify the result. The result would be reviewed during my next onco consultation, also on 7 Nov.

Lord, please grant me Your peace amidst the uncertainty of my health.

tsk tsk

first anniversary

Today is the first anniversary of the end of my radiation. I completed my 33 sessions of IMRT one year ago on 30 Oct 2006. It was a Monday.

I can still remember vividly the surprise party that PS & the gang had organised to celebrate the end of my radiation. PS & Cyndi went with me to SGH. PS drove me home after the treatment. When I reached home, I was greeted by many colourful balloons in my apartment. Who put up the balloons? I was wondering then. I felt that something strange was going on, but did not suspect anything. Mum was in the kitchen but she acted normally. There were no shoes outside the door so it did not arouse my suspicion. But on the way to my bedroom, I got a shock. Coming out of the room one-by-one were the BSF beauties. They had come to celebrate the successful completion of my radiation. I was so touched I wanted to cry.

These were the 9 ladies who made time to be with me : PS, Chuay Fen, Angie, Weng Yin, Cyndi, Kim Ho, Jo Chee, Susan, Shelly. We praised God through songs & prayers. Good thing I had some leftovers of my signature cake, so we ate that as we fellowshiped.

Lord, thank You for being there with me during those painful days.

tsk tsk

what has Romans taught me?

Today was the finale for the BSF study of Romans. It was Sharing Day for leaders. I didn't get to share, but below is the one-minute sharing I had prepared.

"I praise God for enabling me to complete this year in His strength. It was a difficult year. It was difficult because I was recovering from cancer. It was difficult because I had to learn to manage my physical handicap (dry mouth) & cope with the side effects of cancer (dry/phlegmy throat, blocked ear, stuffed nose, inability to eat). It was difficult because teaching Level 1 kids was a new challenge to me. But in each of these difficult & challenging situations, I had experienced God's enablement & grace. All glory be to God.

I thank God for the many lessons I have learned from the book of Romans. Romans 7 reminds me that the Christian life is a constant struggle but we win through Jesus Christ. Romans 8 assures me that all things that have ever happened to me or can possibly happen to me are so ordered & controlled by God that the end result is inevitably & utterly for my good.

If I can summarise in one sentence what the book of Romans has taught me, it is this : God is sovereign; nothing can defeat God's plan & purpose for me."

Lord, thank You for teaching me Your Word in Romans.

tsk tsk

the eye experience

A few months ago, the glass on the right side of my specs dropped onto the floor. It broke to pieces. Good thing it happened at home. After that, I had to wear my hard RGP lenses the whole day as I did not have any spare pair of specs. As if that was not enough trouble, on 3 Oct, I carelessly lost my right RGP lens. Now all that I was left with was my left lens. I became "one-eye Jane" overnight. If I were to lose my left lens too, I would be as good as blind (my myopia is a high 750 deg). This was a highly dangerous position to be in, so off to the optometrist I went the next day.

I have heard of orthokeratology from Fen & thought it might be a good idea to give it a try. Ortho-k is supposed to be a safe alternative to lasik. This is how ortho-k works : you put on specialised contact lenses prior to going to sleep at night and wake up the next morning, remove the lens & see clearly all day, free from specs or contact lenses. Sounds great, right?

After the optometrist discussed with me the pros & cons of ortho-k, I agreed to undergo the test. But first I must make a new pair of specs. The optometrist gave me a pair of disposable contact lenses to wear for the time being. I must wait for my specs to be ready before I could start on the ortho-k test.

On 25 Oct, the one-day ortho-k test began. I put on the ortho special lenses in the morning & returned in the late afternoon for the result. The optometrist was pleased with the result. My eyes improved by 100 deg within the first day of testing. It meant that my eyes were suitable for ortho-k. But now came the hard decision --- do I really want to switch to ortho-k? After discussing thoroughly with the optometrist, I decided to stick to my good, old hard RGP lenses. I prefer to have the flexibility to choose what I want to wear - lenses or specs. But with ortho-k, I will not have that flexibility. I die-die must remember to wear the ortho-k lenses every night or else I will not be able to see clearly the next morning. Honestly, I am not that disciplined. What if I forget or what if my eyes feel tired or what if I don't feel like wearing one night? I can't afford to take this risk as it will affect my work the next morning. I am in stockbroking & need to execute orders for my client first thing in the morning. If I can't see, how to work? Also, I don't like the thought of wearing something in my eyes when I sleep.

I'm glad I went for the ortho-k test. It has given me a better idea how ortho-k works. I'm thankful to the optometrist who shared with me her personal experience as she herself is an ortho-k wearer. I'm thankful she so patiently listened to & answered all my questions & guided me to make the decision that best met my needs.

So now my eye problem is solved. I am sticking to the old faithful hard lenses & specs. It gives me a choice of wearing either one depending on my mood & eye condition.

Lord, thank you for taking care of my eyes.

tsk tsk

sayonara to bsf 2007.......

Yeh.....yesterday was the last BSF class for this year. From today, there will be no more homework to do, no more lesson to prepare, no more need to burn oil till past midnight on Friday, no more alarm ringing at 4.10am on Saturday.

Next year, the new BSF term will start on 26 Feb. That is a break of 17 weeks! Wow, that is a cool 4-month break, the longest break in my 13 years in BSF. We will be studying the book of Matthew. This will conclude my second cycle in BSF.

I will need to start planning how to use these 17 weeks fruitfully & productively so that no precious time will be wasted. Time gone is time wasted, never to return.

To all BSF leaders who are still faithfully following this blog, thank you for assuring me I'm still in your thoughts & prayers. To those who are leaving BSF, sayonara & hope to see you again......if not on earth, then in heaven. Hope you will continue to read my blog & drop me an encouraging note now & then to tell me how you are getting on.

Lord, bless all these angels you had sent me in my time of illness.

tsk tsk

a sudden breathlessness attack

I woke up this morning with a blocked ear. This does happen to my left ear now & then due to factors unknown to me. I've learned to live with it. The ear blockage would normally go off after a while. But this time, it lasted the whole day. It became unbearable as there was echoing & I could not hear properly.

It started to get worse in the afternoon. I was attending a meeting in the office from 2-4pm. But midway through the meeting, I began to feel breathless. My left ear was becoming more blocked. This time, my nose seemed to be blocked too. I found myself having to breathe very hard. I began to feel weak & giddy. I sought excuse to leave the meeting explaining that I was not feeling well & needed to see the doctor immediately.

I rushed to the hospital in a cab. While waiting to be attended to, I quickly sms-ed an urgent prayer request to my contact persons in BSF & DG. Through this prayer chain, I was assured that many would be praying for me. A nurse did an ECG test on me & then wheeled me in. A young female doctor attended to me. She asked a few questions & then went off. At this time, about 4.20pm, I noticed that my ear blockage suddenly disappeared. I found myself able to breathe normally again. I knew it was the power of prayer. I felt so relieved & whispered a prayer of thanksgiving.

The young female doctor cleared me of lung infection after looking at the x-ray. I told the doctor I did ECG, not x-ray. She asked again. I repeated the same answer. But the doctor insisted that the nurse had done an x-ray on me earlier. I was confused. The doctor was not listening. She did not even try to verify my statement.

I was discharged & reached home about 7pm. At 7.40pm, I received a surprise call from the doctor. She inquired how I was, whether I was still having breathing difficulties. I said I was able to breathe much better now. I thought she was such a caring doctor but when she started to apologise, I knew something was wrong. She apologised that there was a mix-up in the x-rays. She asked me again if I had taken xray. I said I had told her a few times I had not taken any x-ray & she had confused me by insisting I had done the x-ray. She said I would need to return to A&E to do an x-ray. As I was too tired to go back now, she arranged for me to go back at 8am the next morning. But before she put down the phone, she repeated for a 2nd time that should I encounter any breathing difficulty during the night, I should come down to A&E immediately as it is open 24 hours a day.

While preparing dinner, I felt no peace. I thought, "What if I suddenly become breathless in the middle of the night?" A voice kept telling me to go back to SGH now....."call Irene". It was then 8pm. I hesitated. But the voice said again, "call Irene". I called Irene Tan. I told Irene about the x-ray mix-up. I was so touched when Irene agreed to drive me to SGH without hesitation. I was so thankful that God already knew about the mix-up & had arranged for Irene to be my angel that night.

It was a different doctor who attended to me this time. Apparently he had been briefed about the "x-ray mix-up" fiasco. He apologised profusely for the mix-up & said that an investigation was under way to find out what went wrong. Thank God for Irene who helped to "fight" for me, saying that my life could have been put to risk by the careless attitude of the other doctor. What if I had collapsed on the way home? How could the doctor not listen to the patient? He said SGH was also very concerned about this matter & would do its best not to repeat the same mistake again.

So I spent the night doing the x-ray & re-doing the ECG test as it seemed that the ECG I did earlier had also gone missing. Probably another mix-up again. Both the x-ray & ECG tests showed no sign of any lung problem. This was all that I needed to see & hear. I knew I would be able to sleep with peace of mind tonight. And I did.

Lord, thank You for sending Irene as my angel tonight. Thank You for watching over me in my coming in & going out.

tsk tsk

the report card

Today I received the report card on the tests I did last week. One year on, is there a recurrence of cancer in the nasopharynx (the area behind the nose)? Is the tumour completely gone? Has the cancer spread to other parts of the body? What will the report card say? I was anxious to know.

Waiting to receive the test results was like waiting to receive your exam results........will the results be good or bad? I had to wait 2 hours because there seemed to be a few new cases of cancer today. The oncologist normally sees new cancer cases first. And each case takes a long time. I know because I had gone through the process last year.

It was finally my turn. Dr Wee was nowhere to be seen. Maybe he had gone off for a meeting or lunch. I would normally ask, but today I didn't. His assistance, Dr V Koh attended to me. Dr Koh said overall the report card was good. The good news : there was no evidence of tumour recurrence in the nasopharynx or neck area. The not-so-good news : a tiny nodule was spotted in the right upper lobe of lung. Dr Koh said not to worry about the lung nodule. She would monitor my condition & see in 6 months' time if further tests were required.

I do not know how to react to the report card. On the one hand, I am happy that the tumour is confirmed gone. On the other hand, I am concerned about the tiny nodule found on the lung. What can I do except to continue to trust the Lord. Did not the Lord say "do not worry about your life" in Matthew 7:25? But humanly speaking, I do get anxious if I receive not-so-good news about my health. Won't you? But as God's children, we have the assurance that we will not walk through this journey alone for God has promised, "I will never leave you nor forsake you." (Joshua 1:5)

thanks for journeying & praying with me this far,

tsk tsk

ENT check-up

I had my usual 2-monthly ENT check-up today. The doctor did not spot anything unusual except for the old problem of nose congestion & infection. The doctor decided to clean up the inside of my nose, a procedure known as "nose toileting". I find this term rather amusing, don't you? It was quite painful & uncomfortable, about 5-10 minutes of torture. You could see me all tensed up, my hands clasping tightly to the armchair.

In Year 2, the frequency of my ENT consultation will be changed to once every 4 months. In the next visit, the doctor said she would require me to go for a hearing test. My next ENT appointment will be in January 2008.

thanks for journeying with me,
tsk tsk

CT Scan

I did a CT scan today. It is a must one year after treatment. I started cancer treatment on 12 Sep 2006. It has been one year. How time flies.

This time, I was given a scan from head to abdomen. I suppose this is a standard procedure to confirm that cancer has not spread to other parts of the body. Last time, there was only one scanning machine at NCC. I learned that NCC has bought a new 2nd machine. I was put through this new scanning machine today. The results of the scan will be made known to me when I next see my oncologist on Wed, 26 Sep.

Please continue to uphold me in your prayers, if you are still following my blog. Thanks for being my unseen angel. God knows who you are.

thanks for journeying with me,
tsk tsk

down memory lane - 912

Today is the twelfth of September. I will always remember this "special" date because it was the day I started my cancer treatment last year. Today is the 1st anniversary of that painful journey. A journey which made me see a new perspective of life. A journey which gave me a taste of God's goodness & faithfulness. A journey which gave me the joy of experiencing God.

12th Sep 2006 was a Tuesday, a BSF class day. My radiation treatment was fixed at 3pm. Angie accompanied me to SGH for the treatment. On arriving there, 2 angels suddenly appeared from behind me while I was registering - PS & Edith. It was a pleasant surprise because I did not expect any BSF angels to turn up on a Tuesday. But they did. It was a great assurance from God that He would not let me walk this journey alone. And as the coming months would show, God always made sure I was never alone. Be it at home or hospital, God would always send me an angel to meet a particular need at a particular time. God saw to everything. I did not need to do anything; God did everything.

After the treatment, Angie drove me to PS's home to rest. At 6pm, we left for our BSF class. PS & I were co-leaders teaching Level 3 students. I thank God for putting us as co-leaders last year for she was to become my pillar of support (PS) in the months to come. I believe it was no coincidence. God saw to everything.

On this same day last year, my youngest sister, Shuli, flew in from LA. She was to spend one month with me before going back to the States. She was truly a Godsend angel to meet my spiritual needs. Shuli was a preacher for more than 10 years in a Chinese-speaking church in KL before she went to further her theological studies in the States. In early 2007, God called her to serve in a new ministry in Taiwan. She will be going to LA end of this month to submit her PhD thesis to Logos Evangelical Seminary. She will be in LA for a month before returning to Taiwan.

Lord, thank You for all the angels You have sent to minister to me in my time of need.

thanks for journeying with me this past year,
tsk tsk

yeh, it's bsf break this week

It's school holiday this week. It's also BSF break. So there is no class tonight, yeh!

It's only one week, so there is not much time to do a lot of things. Last week I had been busy with office meetings & work. Before I knew it, today is already Tues, and what Ruby would say, tomorrow is Wed. This means it's time to get back to the normal routine : complete the adults' questions & prepare the lessons for the children's program.

Okay, okay, time to get back to work (I mean to do all the above).

Lord, thank You for BSF.

tsk tsk

happy birthday, shuli

happy birthday to you .....

selamat hari jadi .....

zhunin shenri kuaile .....

janmadina mubārak ho .....

hello shuli, this is my birthday song to you, sung in 4 languages (ahem, the last one is Hindi.......impressed?).

May you continue to give glory to God with your voice.

"I will sing to the Lord, I will sing; I will make music to the Lord, the God of Israel" (Judges 5:3b, "The Song of Deborah").

God-blessed birthday,
shuqin

down memory lane - one year ago in sep

I was reading my Daily Journal & noted that exactly one year ago, I was busy doing test after test from 21-28 Aug, and going for dental treatment from 29 Aug-4 Sep. That is the beauty of keeping a journal or diary. You get to read your past thoughts or events.

According to my Journal, on 2 Sep last year, I accidentally discovered a lump on the left side of my throat. On 5 Sep, Dr Wee confirmed that it was a lump & sent me off to ENT Centre to do an immediate FNAB (Fine Needle Aspiration Biopsy). At that time, I panicked because I was afraid this would complicate matters. But the biopsy result, which came out just one day before I was due to commence radiation, confirmed the lump was benign.

As I recall that event, my heart goes to PS, Ruby, Lee Lian & Sally Wong who took time off then to be with me. They were angels sent by God to "come alongside me". Sally even "belanja" us to a Penang buffet lunch at King's Hotel. I wonder when I can eat my favourite Penang food again (as my dry mouth is sensitive to spicy food now).

On this same day (5 Sep), Dr Wee also let us have a look at the MRI image which showed clearly the tumour behind the nose. He confirmed then that the tumour measured 24.1mm, considered as Stage 2 growth (classified as TNO category, pronounced as "T-N-zero").

Praise God that all these are now past. I can look back with thanksgiving in my heart for what the Lord had done & look forward in great expectation to the Lord's complete healing.

thanks for journeying with me this past year,
tsk tsk

early morning exercise

Today I revived my early morning walks with Lily Phoen. It has been more than a year since I had one. Lily & I normally go for early morning walks during her school holiday break.

This morning, we took a brisk walk to Xiao Guiling, walked one round on the tracks of Bukit Gombak stadium then walked back to my residence. It took about one hour. Half-way walking, I did feel slightly giddy. Not sure if it was because of the hot weather or because I was hungry or because my body is still not ready for exercise. When we were reaching my residence, the rain started to pour. Good thing I always bring an umbrella with me whenever I go out. It has become a habit. I cannot leave home without one.

In the past, we used to walk to the nearby Bukit Batok Nature Park. This is a beautiful park with many kinds of plants, trees & humming birds. We had stopped going to this Park since that time when we met some monkeys along the way --- it was frightening as the monkeys seemed quite aggressive. We managed to turn back without being harmed. Lily had reported this to the Nature Park Board. We have never been back to the Park since. I wonder if the monkeys are still there.

thanks for reading this blog,
tsk tsk

encouragement from a little boy

This year has been the toughest year for me as a CL. Not only do I have to cope with the side effects of radiation (esp dry mouth) but I also find teaching the book of Romans to 7-and-8 year old kids to be not easy. There were times when I felt quite discouraged.

Tonight was such a night. I was stressed out. At the end of the class, while busy clearing the room, one 7-year-old boy walked to me, handed me a card & said shyly, "Miss Teo, this is for you!" I said thank you & shoved the card into my folder as I was in a hurry to go for Tape time. I completely forgot about the card until I reached home that night.

It was a Happy Teachers' Day card. I was so touched by this boy's thoughtfulness. Tears came to my eyes. One out of 12 came to say thank you. That was more than I could ask for. Little did this boy know that his little act brought much encouragement to this worn-out teacher. I was sure it was the Lord who prompted this little angel to do what he did.

Lord, thank You for the encouragement.
tsk tsk

back to the dentist

I couldn't take breakfast this morning. My upper molar tooth was in great pain. My teeth have been giving me trouble for some time. This time I knew I must go see my dentist. Cannot delay anymore. Good thing Dr Un could see me at 2.30pm so I went.

"O dear, your teeth are in bad shape. They seem to be decaying!" That was really bad news. The frightening thing is I don't feel a thing. No feeling......a result of the lack of saliva? It's scary although I know tooth decay is one of the side effects of radiation. This is actually happening to me one year after radiation.

I told Dr Un to do whatever she thinks needs to be done. She repaired not only the upper molar tooth but several other decaying ones as well. Looks like I have to be prepared to become "bogeh" one day. The trouble is I might not be able to undergo tooth extraction due to the risk of bleeding.

If I am still in your prayer list, please whisper a prayer for me to Daddy above.

thanks for journeying with me,
tsk tsk

down memory lane - one year anniversary

"You have cancer."

These were the words I heard as I entered the doctor's room. It has been exactly one year since that D-day. It took a while for the words to sink in. As most cancer survivors would tell you, these words often sound like a death sentence. And the way doctors announce it often makes it look like it's your last day on earth.

The anxiety of waiting turned into an anxiety of uncertainty. How come? What next? How? So many questions flooded my mind. I never felt so lost, so lonely in my life. The doctor rattled off about the procedures but I was not listening. Who could under those circumstances? Everything was happening so fast & so sudden. I was in a daze. I just wanted to be alone to make sense of what was happening.

While the doctor was busy doing the paperwork to refer me to Singapore General Hospital for follow-up treatment, I sent PS an sms, "It's cancer." The 3 angels (PS, Ruby, Jacinta) had turned up at AH's ENT dept unannounced to give me moral support. They were waiting & praying outside the doctor's room. PS popped her head into the doctor's room & asked, "Do you need me to be with you?" I shook my head, trying hard to fight back the tears that were threatening to appear.

I could sense a feeling of guilt on the doctor's face. Her own voice was choked with tears as she spoke. She knew I was right after all. The week before, I had raised my voice at her & her team for their lack of expertise in treating my ear blockage problem. I had lost faith in AH & had gone to seek second opinion at SGH. It was SGH which first alerted me of a suspected tumour behind my nose.

The 3 angels were the first of many angels God would send to minister to me in the days & months ahead. One year on, I'm simply amazed at the way God works. It's simply beyond my imagination how much He cares for me. It's simply beyond my understanding how much He loves me.

This verse comes to mind :
"......to grasp how wide & long & high & deep is the love of Christ, & to know this love that surpasses knowledge - that you may be filled to the measure of all the fullness of God." (Ephesians 3:18-19)

thanks for journeying with me the past one year,
tsk tsk

happy birthday, angels!

I cooked lunch for Ah Bee & PS today. It was my belated birthday gift to these 2 July babies.

Guess what I cooked? Hmmm......beef char kway teow. Was it delicious? Ask them. Well, maybe this is an indication --- Ah Bee "dabao" the leftovers.

a God-blessed birthday, angels!
tsk tsk

follow-up consultation at NCC

Today was my two-monthly consultation with my oncologist. A new medical officer, Dr Corinne attended to me as Dr Wee was on leave.

As usual, Dr Corinne performed a scope on my nose & said "it looks good". Since it's almost a year, Dr Corinne said it's time to do another CT scan & blood test. I've been scheduled to do these tests on 19 Sep, one week before my consultation with Dr Wee to review the results.

Please pray with me that both the tests will bring good results.

thanks for journeying with me,
tsk tsk

balik kampung - testimony at GGBP

Wow, it's home at last!

Yes, today I made my first trip home to my hometown, Batu Pahat. It was a nostalgic trip home as I had not been home since March 2006. I followed the ARPC team there as Elder Wong Foo Mun was giving a sermon at GGBP this morning. Wah Kam, a fellow BPian, drove us there.

Originally, the purpose of the trip home was to see my family. But it turned out I was asked to give my personal testimony at my home church, Gereja Grace Batu Pahat (GGBP) during the Sunday service. GGBP had been supporting me in prayers throughout my illness. It is only right & timely that GGBP gets to personally hear my testimony now that I am well enough to be there in person. After all, the Lord has done so much for me & deserves to be praised.

After the service, I visited my family for a short while before joining the rest for lunch hosted by Elder Lim AL at his newly-built mansion. We made our way home to Singapore after lunch. It was a tiring but worthwhile trip.

Below is the testimony I gave at GGBP.

My Testimony

Good morning, brothers & sisters.

Some of you might not know me. My name is Sock Kim. If you were in this church in the 1970’s, you would most likely know me. I was born & bred in Batu Pahat. Gereja Grace has always been very close to my heart because it was in this church that I first came to know Jesus Christ as my Saviour. I grew up & was baptised in this church. I transferred my church membership to ARPC 3 years ago. BP is still my home although I live & work in Singapore. My parents & most of my siblings are still in BP. I come home a few times a year, but I’ve not been home for more than a year due to my illness. I’m happy to be home again. Many of you have been praying for me when you heard about my illness. Thank you for journeying along with me in my battle against cancer. I stand before you this morning to testify that the Lord in His grace has healed me. All praise & glory be to God!

16 Aug 2006 was the darkest day of my life. It was the day I learned I had nose cancer. When the doctor told me the bad news, I was shocked because I had always been in good health & had never suffered from sinus or nose bleeding problems. I couldn’t believe it. How could it be? I tried to understand what was happening but nothing seemed to make sense. I couldn’t sleep the whole night. I felt so lonely. I knelt before the Lord & cried, “Lord, I don’t understand what is happening. I feel so scared. I don’t know what to do but my eyes are on You.” God led me to read Psalm 73:26 that night - “My flesh & my heart may fail but God is the strength of my heart & my portion forever.” This verse brought me comfort as I was assured that God is my Strength & would guide me through this unknown journey.

My problem started in July 2006 as an innocent ringing tone in my left ear after just 2 weeks of swimming lessons. Little did I expect my ear problem to become so serious. A biopsy later confirmed a malignant tumour behind my nose. I am one person who is always afraid of water so I don’t understand what made me decide to take up swimming lesson last year. On hindsight, had I not taken up swimming, the tumour might still not be discovered today. I thank the Lord for alerting me ahead of time.

I began my 33 sessions of radiotherapy treatment in Sep 2006. It was a long & difficult journey. Many times when the going got tough, when the pain became unbearable, I pleaded with the Lord to take away the suffering. But God’s Word came to me, “My grace is sufficient for you.” There were times when I felt so weak & helpless I wanted to give up the treatment. But I am thankful the Lord stood by me & gave me His grace & strength to endure the pain & suffering.

When I first learned I had cancer, I had several concerns about how I was going to cope with my illness. Who was going to look after me? What about the medical bills? Everything happened so fast I simply had no time, & did not have the frame of mind, to sit down to think or plan. But God was faithful & good. He saw to my every need. I did not need to do anything. God did everything. God gave me what I call the 4-F’s : Faith, Family, Friends & Finance.

(1) God gave me Faith. The faith to believe that He could do the impossible.
(2) God gave me Family. My loved ones rallied around me. My mum came down to Singapore to look after me for 5 months. God even made it possible for mum to be granted a 3-year social visit permit to Singapore.
(3) God gave me Friends. Angels came to minister to my needs. These Godsend angels took turns to drive me to the hospital for my daily treatment. They cooked & delivered food to my home. They took care of me when I was warded in the hospital. One angel became my personal manager. She coordinated all my needs for prayer, transport & food, & posted them on a blog she created to keep everyone updated on my condition.
(4) God gave me Finance, the money to pay all my medical bills. It’s amazing how God settled all my medical bills in such unexpected ways. He is indeed Jehovah-Jireh, my Provider.

It’s now 9 months after my cancer treatment. I praise God I’m recovering well. I am thankful that through this personal crisis, I got to taste God’s faithfulness & goodness, & experience God’s presence & power in my life. I might not understand why God has allowed me to suffer from cancer but I know that “in all things God works for the good of those who love Him, who have been called according to His purpose.” (Rom 8:28). I know that God in His sovereign will has a purpose in everything He does.

I am thankful to God for giving me a new lease of life. I am thankful to God that I can be alive today to see all of you. Cancer has affected & changed the way I live my life. It has brought an element of uncertainty into my life as I learn to live with the side effects of radiation each day. But no matter how uncertain my life is, I am certain of one thing, that God is sovereign & He is in control of my life.

thanks for journeying with me,
tsk tsk

nose infection

I had my two-monthly ENT consultation this morning. Dr V Tay attended to me. She told me I had nose infection & prescribed Oxazoline nasal drop & Co-amoxiclav, an antibiotic. I was reminded to be vigilant in washing my nose with a nasal pump at least twice a day for the rest of my life to avoid nose infection. This is a daily routine I dislike as I do not like the feel of water running through my nostrils & down my throat. It takes a lot of adjusting to. For a person who is not a water-lover, it's a procedure I don't look forward to doing each day. But now it looks like I have no choice if I don't wish my nasal passage to suffer from congestion & infection problems.

thanks for journeying with me,
tsk tsk

BPians met for lunch

A good, old friend is in town. Brother Kock Hong was a pastor for many years in Malaysia, Singapore & the States. He did his PhD in the States & is now an associate professor of Marital & Family Therapy at Bethel Seminary San Diego. He is on a teaching trip to Malaysia & Singapore before returning to the States on Wed.

Wah Kam, Fong Yin & I met up with Kock Hong over lunch. All of us are fellow BPians. WK & FY were KH's former classmates & they had not met for some 30 years or so. As for me, how did I get to know KH? It was during my Youth Fellowship days at Saving Grace Church (as it was known then before it changed its name to Gereja Grace BP). As the then secretary of YF, I frequently invited KH to speak at our YF meetings. That was the start of our many years of friendship.

Ask any BPian, the chances are they are very passionate about their hometown. Batu Pahat is a small but vibrant town on the west coast of Johor. It used to be a quiet, sleepy town with no shopping malls, few cars & lots of bicycles during my growing-up years. In those days, almost everyone owned a bicycle as it was the only mode of transport. Today, almost every home, rich or poor, owns at least one car. No one cycles anymore. And mega shopping malls now spring up all over the town to compete for shoppers. The town is booming & the population is also growing. Batu Pahat is the 2nd largest town in the state of Johor, after Johor Bahru. And the town is affectionately known as BP by Johoreans.

Ask any Singaporean who has heard of Batu Pahat & their immediate response is usually this, "Batu Pahat is a town of talents!" Yes, BP has gained that reputation over the years. BP is known for producing doctors. There are many of them in Singapore. It was in BP that UMNO was founded in 1946. And BP produced the 3rd Prime Minister of Malaysia - Datuk Hussein Onn (his father Onn Jaafar was the founder of UMNO).

Back to my story, I am happy to have met Kock Hong today. It has been umpteen years since we last met. As one grows older, one begins to appreciate old friendships. So my advice to one & all : value your relationships with family & friends. I thank God for giving me family & friends. They are the ones who stood by me during my recent crisis.

thanks for journeying with me,
tsk tsk

down memory lane - how the problem began

Almost one year has passed since that dreadful day. From today, I will take a walk down memory lane to trace the events which led to my discovery of nose cancer.

About this time last year, my left ear began to show some problems. It started with an innocent ringing tone. This never happened before & I became concerned. At first, I attributed it to water entering my nose accidentally during my swimming lessons which I started taking up since 23 Jun 2006. On 17 Jul 2006, I stopped my swimming lesson because my left ear seemed to be getting worse. The ringing sound was getting louder & my left ear became blocked which affected my hearing.

What did I do about the ear problem? Wait for "Next Change" ..... akan datang ......

thanks for being so patient,
tsk tsk

hooray......I'm now 44kg!

It's common nowadays to hear people lament, "Aiyah, I'm so heavy. How I wished I could lose weight!" It seems most people have trouble losing weight. I seem to belong to the "fortunate" few who can eat & eat but never put on weight! For me, putting on weight is a great challenge. It's more difficult than studying for an exam!

Before I had cancer, my normal weight was around 46-47kg. But on the week before I commenced radiotherapy, I ate & ate until I gained 4kg to 50kg, on the wise advice of my oncologist as I was deemed to be too thin. Weight does play an important part when your body has to fight against a great enemy called cancer. You will then need all the ammunition to win the battle.

I now weigh 44kg, a gain of 2kg since May. I credit it to my better appetite & eating. For the past one month, I was able to eat more solid food such as rice & meat. I think meat (chicken, pork, beef) helps me to put on weight. Some people advise against taking meat which is believed to be cancer-causing. But then last time I seldom took meat but I still ended up with cancer.......so? I don't believe in this theory anymore. As what most doctors would say, "Eat everything in moderation."

My objective now is to put back the weight I have lost, so I will eat anything that will help me to gain weight. The problem lies with my mouth -- my mouth is the one which decides if I can eat or not. My target is 47kg.......which means I have 3kg more to go.

thanks for journeying with me,
tsk tsk

back to school

The 5 weeks of BSF break flew by in a twinkle of an eye. It was a good break but I wished it could be longer! I still have a few things in my "To Do" list left undone. This has to wait because for now, it is back to school.

BSF 2nd term begins tonight. This week is Week 17 (15 more to go). I have been a CL (Children's Leader) for 4 years but this year has been the most challenging year for me. This is because, besides having to take the youngest class (aged 7 & 8), I am still struggling with the many side effects of radiation, esp dry mouth.

Many of you might not know that dry mouth not only makes eating a difficult task, but it also makes talking a real struggle. Whenever I talk, I will need to either sip water or spray "Bioteen mouthwash" to wet my mouth because talking dries up my mouth very fast. My mouth often feels like a "desert" after just a few sentences. But the amazing thing is when I teach at the BSF School program, I can talk without sipping water or spraying Bioteen. And when I teach, I will completely forget about my dry mouth. Believe it or not, this happens only during those 2 hours on Tuesday nights. I always have faith that God will never abandon those who are His. I praise God for allowing this handicap in my life so that I can experience His power & presence. Dry mouth has become a "thorn in my flesh" but I thank the Lord His grace is sufficient for me (see 2 Corinthians 12:7-10).

thanks for journeying with me,
tsk tsk

Life after cancer

Some of you who had spoken to me in the mornings had always asked, "You have a sore throat?" My usual reply : "No, I don't have a sore throat. But my throat is sore every morning."

Life is different after cancer. There are new adaptations. I call it a new life. A new chapter in my life.

What are the new challenges? I have to learn to adapt to some physical changes in my body as a result of radiation. During my cancer treatment, I was exposed to high dosage of radiation on my face/neck area. Every day for 33 sessions, I went through 20-30 minutes of radiation. Although radiation is known to be effective in killing cancer cells, especially for nose cancer, it has negative side effects, short- and long-term. The radiation I received had damaged my organs, tissues & nerves - some of these might heal over time, some might not.

These side effects have posed new challenges to my daily life. This means having to cope with ENT (Ear, Nose, Throat) problems - this includes sore throat (esp in the morning), phlegmy mucus in the nose & echoing in my left ear. I still have tinnitus (ringing sound) in my left ear. I also have dry mouth, a common side effect for nose cancer survivors, due to lack of saliva. The lack of saliva has also caused my teeth to be extra-sensitive to bacteria attack & my tongue burns when it comes into contact with anything that is minty, spicy & acidic.

How do I cope with all these challenges? Yes, cancer has affected & changed the way I live my life. It has brought an element of uncertainty into my life as I do not know what problems I might encounter each day when I wake up. Adapting to changes in one's life can be a frustrating experience. But life must go on. Life is simply too short to waste time on non-essential things like feeling sorry for oneself, groaning & whining about life being unfair, & so on. What for be so negative, right? Just learn to accept the challenges & move on. Adapt & learn to live with the changes. In fact, the challenges have now become a new way of life for me -- a new daily routine.
But most important, "give thanks in all circumstances, for this is God's will for you in Christ Jesus" (1 Thess 5:18). Yes, I am thankful to God for giving me a new lease of life. I am thankful I'm still alive. I feel like I have been resurrected from the dead. My life might have changed but God has never changed. He is the same yesterday, today & forever. I still remember God's promise to me on the day I discovered I had cancer : "My flesh & my heart may fail, but God is the strength of my heart & my portion forever" (Psalm 73:26).

Note : Thanks, Peggy. This posting is a result of your suggestion that I write something about my new challenges to encourage others who are going through the traumas of life.

thanks for journeying with me,
tsk tsk

char kway teow & wantan mee

I decided not to cook today but to eat out for both meals. I wanted to experiment with food. I went to the food centre at Bukit Batok Central for my lunch. A new stall selling char kway teow caught my eyes. It had been more than a year since I last took a plate of char kway teow so I decided to go for it. While waiting for the food, I wondered, "Will I be able to eat it? Will I be able to swallow it without any problem?" To my amazement, I finished the whole plate of char kway teow without the need to sip water! Wow....that was a great improvement!

Encouraged by this, I went to the other food centre at BB East Ave 4 after an evening stroll. I looked around & decided to take away wantan mee for dinner. I was surprised I could take that too without a sip of water! Eh, what's happening to my mouth all of a sudden? I seemed to be able to eat solid food which was a no-no weeks & months ago and what more, without the need to sip water!

Lord, thank You for the little little improvements You give me each day. Thank You for helping me to move from liquid to semi-solid to solid food. Thank You for enabling me to eat more & more and better & better each day. Thank You for seeing me through these last 6 months. I will continue to trust You to see me through the coming months.

thanks for journeying with me,
tsk tsk

breast cysts

Today, I had an SGH appointment to review my mammogram & breast ultra-sound results. After my surgery 2 years ago to remove 2 breast cysts, which turned out to be benign, I had been required to go for an annual check-up.

This time round, I felt a bit nervous because of my recent nose cancer experience. I prayed, "Lord, please don't let it be bad news because I don't think I have the mental strength to take another blow."

The ultra-sound revealed a number of small breast cysts but they appeared to be benign. The doctor said nothing needs to be done now but to follow up in a year's time. I come from a family of breast cancer so I am considered to be in the high risk group. I can only look to the Almighty God for His protection. Please uphold me in your prayers, if you still remember me.

thanks for journeying with me,
tsk tsk

The diary of tsk

I heard from the TV news today that Anne Frank received her first diary on her 13th birthday (14 Jun 1942). She wrote in an early entry, "I hope that you (the diary) will be a great support and comfort to me." In her diary, Anne addressed her letters to the imaginary "Kitty".

I started writing diaries when I was 14 years old. But I received my first "proper" diary only 2 yeats later on 8 Jun 19xx. This diary was special because it could be locked with a key. It was a gift from my eldest sister to reward me for my good school results. I treasured it very much. It is still with me today. The first words on my first diary were taken from Philippians 4:13 - "I can do all things through Christ which strengtheneth me" (KJV).

I am now on my 6th volume. I keep all my diaries. As I read my old diaries, I can see a change in my writing style. In my teenage years, my diary was written more as a record on the daily events of my life, some of which appeared so funny & silly now. In my university & young adult years, I started each diary entry as "Dear Lord", recording my conversations with God. I still adopt this "conversation with God" style even today. In addition, I use my diary to record my thoughts, my prayers, my feelings, my reflections. My diary is the best place to know the real me because I write as I am, no pretenses. But sorry, no one can read my diaries. Like Anne Frank, maybe someone might decide to publish my diaries after I die.

Why do I suddenly talk so much about diaries? It is because during my time of illness, from Aug 2006 to May 2007, I have not written anything in my diary at all, although I keep a daily journal on my cancer treatment & recovery. In fact, the last entry in my diary was 11 Aug 2006, 5 days before I was diagnosed with nose cancer. So I am taking opportunity of this current BSF break to update my diary before my memory begins to fade away.....

I hope to complete my assignment by next week so that I can use the remaining week to prepare for the new BSF term, which begins on 30 Jun. Oh dear, I just remember I still have one more assignment left to do. My home church in Malaysia, Gereja Grace Batu Pahat (Grace Church) has requested me to write a testimony to be published in its "GG Messenger" newsletter. I better find the time to do so this week!

thanks for reading my blog,
tsk tsk

still 43kg but can eat better now

The 4-weeks mid-year school break started this week. The same goes for BSF. But BSF break is one week longer. After teaching for the past 16 weeks, this was a long-awaited breather. I think God had made us in such a way that we need to recharge our batteries. Our bodies need a break from work.

My schedule is quite full for the first 2 weeks. On Tue (29 May), I went to do a mammogram & ultra-sound at SGH. This is an annual routine. The doctor will review the results with me on 15 Jun. I don't think I have the mental strength to take another health blow, so please pray with me that there will be no bad news.

On Wed (30 May) morning, I went back to see my dentist to follow-up on my teeth. In the afternoon, I had an appointment with a nutritionist recommended by a friend. It was just a casual discussion on food nutrition. Nothing much came out of it. There is nothing new that I do not already know.

Thurs (31 May) was Vesak public holiday. I normally reward myself by sleeping longer on public holidays.....woke up at 10am. A full day of rest? No such luxury as I had asked my sister & her family to come over for dinner. I had planned to serve them Thai cuisine. That was why I was so busy running about the last few days buying all the necessary stuff. When I woke up, I noticed an sms message from Yong Foon (from my DG). She said she had cooked fish porridge & would be bringing it over for my lunch. How sweet of her! It was so timely as I was then wondering what to eat for lunch. And I had no time to cook lunch as I had to start preparing the ingredients. God is so good. He always sees to my needs. I spent the whole afternoon cooking. What is most satisfying to me is to see people enjoying the food so much they want more! You feeling hungry already, right? I wished I could invite all of you over.

This was the 2nd time I cooked a feast for my family. The 1st time was on CNY eve (17 Feb) when I cooked Reunion dinner. At that time, I could only sit at a corner & see my family enjoy the food I cooked. I was so hungry then but I couldn't take a bite. I could only drink soup. Sounds so pitiful, right? But this time, it was so different -- I could join in the makan. I give thanks to God for the small improvements I experience each day. I can now eat more & better. It has been some 7 months since the end of radiation. I have experienced God's goodness, grace & power in my life. All glory be to God!

thanks for journeying with me,
tsk tsk

Me, a bogeh?

My teeth seem to be rotting silently without any warning......oh tolong-tolong, I don't want to become a "bogeh" (a person without teeth)!

That was how I cried out to my dental surgeon, Dr Un when I went to see her this morning. After checking my teeth, she told me the middle row of teeth on my lower jaw were loose & the enamel was getting soft & chipping off bit by bit. Dr Un did the best she could to repair my teeth by filling up the cavities. I was advised to use a tooth mousse a few times a day to protect my teeth. As far as possible, I must also try not to use the front teeth to bite food so as not to impede the healing process.

Eating is already a struggle for me & now I must be careful not to use my front teeth. See how challenging my life can be?

thanks for journeying with me,
tsk tsk

As light as a feather......at 42kg

I had my two-monthly consultation with my oncologist Dr Wee today.

As usual, loss of weight is my greatest problem. I now weigh 42.1 kg. To date, I have lost 8 kg since I started radiation in Sep 2006. Dr Wee recommended me a new drink called "Fortisip", a high energy & nutritionally complete milkshake-style supplement drink. Maintaining good health is important in cancer recovery so please pray with me that I will be able to take to this drink without feeling nausea or yakky, & that I will stop losing weight.

Besides my weight, I have a mucus problem. Dr Wee said this is a side effect of radiation. Having sore throat every morning is also another side effect. He advised me to drink water whenever I wake up at night. I also notice that my teeth on the lower jaw are decaying. I will be seeing my dentist on Monday. It's quite frightening to see all these things happening 6 months after radiation.

thanks for journeying with me,
tsk tsk