often, the best comfort is just being there

To the suffering & friends of the suffering, I would like to share with you what I read today from RBC's "Our Daily Bread" (ODB) contributed by Philip Yancey. Philip Yancey is a truly God-inspired writer & I always look forward to reading his contributions.

Source : Our Daily Bread, RBC Ministries
Contributor : Philip Yancey

"The Greatest Gift"
April 28, 2008

Scripture reading : Job 2

"Then they sat on the ground with him for seven days and seven nights. No one said a word to him, because they saw how great his suffering was." (Job 2:13)

We rightly disparage Job's three friends for their insensitive response to his suffering. Yet when they came, they sat in silence beside Job for 7 days before speaking. As it turned out, those were the most eloquent moments they spent with him.

Instinctively, I shrink back from people who are in pain. Who can know whether they want to talk about their predicament or not? Do they want to be consoled, or cheered up? What good can my presence possibly do?

Tony Campolo tells of going to a funeral. By mistake he ended up in the wrong parlor. It held the body of an elderly man, and his widow was the only mourner present. She seemed so lonely that Campolo decided to stay for the funeral. He even drove with her to the cemetery.

At the conclusion of the graveside service, Campolo finally confessed that he had not known her husband. "I thought as much," said the widow. "But it doesn't really matter. You'll never, ever, know what this means to me."

Most often those who suffer remember the quiet, unassuming person. Someone who was there when needed, who listened, who didn't keep glancing at a watch, who hugged, touched, and cried. In short, someone who was available and came on the sufferer's terms, not their own.
— Philip Yancey

In our shattered times, anguish relents
Not at mere idle words spoken in vain,
But rather from the silent eloquence
Bestowed by those rare souls who share our pain.
—Evans

Often, the best comfort is just being there.

tsk tsk

fibroids

My earlier PET scan results had suspected fibroids in my womb. So my oncologist had referred me to SGH's O&G clinic for further checks & investigations.

The ultrasound results now confirmed there are 5 fibroids in my womb, ranging from 3.0cm to 5.5cm in size. I am surprised there are so many fibroids in my womb as I have never experienced any symptoms all these years. My gynaecologist said this result was quite characteristic of single-unmarried women or women who had never given birth. My gynae suggested surgery or hysterectomy but I refused. He said there is no other way of shrinking or removing the fibroids, so he will monitor me every 2 months.

For those who wish to know more about fibroids, this is what I found out from the internet :
(1) Fibroids are tumours that grow in the uterus (womb). They are benign (not cancerous) & are made up of muscle fibre.
(2) About 20-50% of women have or will have fibroids at some time in their lives. Fibroids are most common in women in their 30's & 40's & tend to shrink after menopause.
(3) As many as 75% of women do not know they have fibroids as they experience no symptoms at all, symptoms such as heavy menstrual bleeding, pain during menstruation, abdominal pain or pressure, changes in bladder & bowel patterns, etc.
(4) There are 4 types of fibroids : intramural, subserous, submucous & cervical.
(5) The exact cause of fibroids is unknown but they seem to be influenced by oestrogen. This might explain why fibroids appear in a woman's middle years when oestrogen levels are high and stop after menopause when oestrogen levels drop.
(6) If you have fibroids, you may have one or many; you may also have one type of fibroid or a number of different types.
(7) As the cause of fibroids is still not known, there are no clear guidelines for preventing them.
(8) Because there are often no symptoms, you may only find out you have fibroids when you go for an internal examination. You may be given an ultrasound scan to confirm if you have fibroids. Other tests include hysteroscopy & laparoscopy.
(9) The main treatments for fibroids are myomectomy (operation to remove fibroids individually, leaving the womb intact); hysterectomy (removing the womb entirely); and uterine artery embolisation (blocking the blood supply to the fibroids).

As a nose cancer survivor, the doctor might be overly concerned about my fibroids. But somehow I'm not the least worried. I've read that TCM can be effective in shrinking, or in some cases, even in removing the fibroids. What I intend to do is to consult my TCM physician to find out more on this. If all else fails, then I will reluctantly go for surgery as my last resort, but only if I begin to suffer some unbearable symptoms.

thanks for keeping me in your prayers,
tsk tsk

blog - new purpose, new direction

Recently, 2 BSF colleagues shared with me how this blog had helped to encourage someone in their church who was suffering from cancer. One of them said, "God is using your blog to encourage many people. You are doing a good job. Don't give up." This was indeed a very encouraging feedback. And a few weeks back, a senior BSF colleague also shared with me something which seemed like a word from God.

I have been pondering & praying, asking the Lord for His direction. If God can use me to encourage someone out there, all glory be to Him.

With this in mind, this blog will now have a new purpose with a new direction.

• The purpose of this blog is that in the midst of their suffering, Christians will see God in every event & circumstance of their lives. God can use your suffering for His glory.
• Besides using this blog as my personal prayer platform, I will also use it as a platform to reach out to fellow Christians who are suffering & hurting from the pain of cancer. Besides sharing my personal journey with cancer, I will also write some short articles to encourage all of us to persevere on in our faith in the midst of our suffering & pain.

Whether you have just begun your journey or still travelling this painful journey, be assured that you are not alone. I am with you in my thoughts & prayers. God is with you in your heart.

".........they will call Him Immanuel, which means 'God with us.' " (Matthew 1:23)

your fellow sufferer in Christ,
tsk tsk

going the TCM way

Last Saturday, I went to Singapore Chung Hwa Medical Institution at Toa Payoh to consult a TCM physician, on the recommendation of a friend who is an acupuncture practitioner at the same clinic.

Dr Cheng, a dental surgeon who is now practising TCM, studied my medical reports & helped me to understand my health condition the TCM way. The TCM approach to analysing health issues is completely different from the western approach, so it was a delightful discovery for me. It now makes more sense to me why my body behaves as it does, issues which I have raised with my western-trained doctors but had received no satisfactory answers. At last I understand why I get so easily tired & cold nowadays. I knew all this while something is wrong with my body but I didn’t know what or why. Now I can only hope & pray that TCM is the way to help restore back the health I had lost.

I am not saying that TCM approach is better than the other. I believe that both western & eastern medicine complement each other. I have been doing some research over the internet to learn more about this "east meets west" complementary approach to treating illnesses. Looking at some of the changes taking place in the medical field, I am confident & look forward to the day when western-trained doctors & TCM physicians can work hand-in-hand to offer complementary treatments to cancer patients. Some changes are already taking place in Singapore with some hospitals such as SGH, CGH & Raffles Hospital setting up TCM clinics to complement conventional treatments.

"Western medicine treats the disease (not the person) and standard treatments are drugs, diagnostic procedures, some using equipment, and operations. TCM, on the other hand, treats the person as it regards the patient as a whole being. TCM also uses herbs not drugs and is non- invasive." (Dr Swee YP, the 1st doctor to practise both western & eastern medicine in Singapore).

Dr Swee added, "TCM is all about 'Balance - Yin & Yang'". Yin can be likened to an over alkaline body and Yang, an acidic body. An acidic body is a cancer prone body, so one must always try to have a more alkaline body. This, ideally, means eating a vegetarian diet of fresh organic fruits and vegetables and whole grains."

And what was Dr Cheng's diagnosis of my health? I am deficient in Yin-Yang; I am also deficient in "Qi" (energy), another measure of a body's health. The conclusion is there is a lot to be done to gradually restore my health & build up my body's immunity. Dr Cheng said it’s going to be a long process to restore & replenish what I’ve lost as my body is now very weak, deficient in all the essentials my body needs.

What I dread most is brewing & drinking the bitter-sweet herbs. I am one who dislikes taking medicine, be it drugs or herbs. I tried TCM treatment in 2007 but I stopped after just 4 months because I was very "sick" of the herbs. The smell & taste of herbs made me vomit. Since then, I had hesitated going back to TCM because the thought of taking herbs again frightened me.

Please pray that this time, I can "tahan" the herbs without vomitting. I have to brew the herbs once a day & drink it twice a day (one after breakfast, one after dinner).

thanks for remembering me in your thoughts & prayers,
tsk tsk

a time-bomb in my body

Finally I had the time to sit down to think through & reflect. Everything was moving so fast the last few days. The bad lung report, the worried expression on my doctor's face, the gentle touch on my shoulders to reassure me, the hurriedly-arranged PET scan, the scan report......what does it all mean?

As I look back at the events of the last few days, one thing is clear to me - the grace & love of God. I do not know & do not understand what is happening. But I know I have a great God whom I can trust in times of trouble. I'm indeed thankful to God for protecting me from the relapse of cancer. I am overwhelmed by the depth of God's love for me. I could sense His presence as He wept along with me. I could sense His comfort as He put His loving arms around me. I could sense His compassion as He allowed me to express my innermost fears to Him. I could sense His strength as He lifted me up from my agony of pain. Not once did my Father condemn me for reacting like any human would, for coming to Him as I am.....weak, wretched & helpless.

Praise be to God for a triumphant finish to a week of trials & testing. It’s indeed a relief to know for now that cancer did not / has not spread to other parts of the body (metastasis). I am aware that my battle against cancer is not over yet. What is troubling me is not so much the occasional rib pain I experience from time to time, but to know that the 2 cysts in my right lung are still there, & have grown 3 times in the past 6 months. Assuming the same growth rate in the next 12 months, this means the cysts might grow to 3cm by Mar 2009. This is worrying. It is like having a time-bomb in my body & I do not know when it will explode.

So what should I do now? The doctor’s “wait & see” answer makes me feel rather uneasy. I’m not convinced that I should simply wait & do nothing. I have this time-bomb in my body & my heart prompts me I must do something. I believe I need practical faith to go forth to seek alternative treatment. Since western medicine offers me no solution, it looks like I have to turn to Traditional Chinese Medicine (TCM) to help build my body's immunity. Please pray along with me that God will lead me in the right direction.

I'm now living on God's extended time. Each day is a day of grace from God.

Thanks for travelling this long & difficult journey with me,

tsk tsk

praise God, no cancer

I had prepared myself mentally for the worst. It had been so agonising over the past few days. I was agonised at the thought of having to go through another round of cancer. I was agonised at the thought of having to go through suffering & pain again. Only Jesus could understand the agony I went through. Jesus at Gethsemane had agonised over His impending death when He said, "My soul is overwhelmed with sorrow to the point of death.......My Father, if it is possible, may this cup be taken from me." (Matt 26:38,39)

But God heard not only my cries, but the cries of all His saints who were pleading with Him for mercy. When I entered the doctor's room, I told the doctor I was prepared for the bad news, but the doctor exclaimed, "Who said it's bad news? It's good news!" I couldn't believe my ears. The doctor went through the PET scan report with me. The report said there was no sign that cancer had spread to my lungs or other parts of the body. I said a quiet "Thank You" to God in my heart.

It is always darkest just before dawn. I pray that the darkest night is past, that this new dawn will stay on for a long time. For though the report says there is no sign of cancer in the lungs & other parts of the body, the 2 cysts in the lung remain. The cysts in the lung have grown 3 times within a period of 6 months. This is worrying. Will they grow further? Will they become cancerous in future? These are questions which are of concern to me. But the doctor's answer is "wait & see". This answer makes me feel uneasy. I will need to trust all these to God. I will seek the Lord's guidance as to what I should do next.

I would like to express my sincere thanks to :

• everyone who has travelled alongside me in this journey through cancer. Many of you have called, sms-ed or emailed to assure me of your prayers. I am very touched by your love & concern. Thank you for lifting me up before the throne of grace with your tears & petition before God.
• these Godsend angels - PS, PL, Ruby - who were there by my side to share my sorrow & joy. Thank you for bringing me out for dinner & for the wonderful fellowship we had.
• last but not least, to the Almighty God for His unfailing love & mercy towards me. Thank You, Lord, for hearing & answering the prayers of all Your faithful saints.

Though the Lord has graciously averted the crisis today, my journey with cancer is not over yet. The cysts in my lung will remain my major concern in the months ahead. Please graciously lift me up before God's throne of grace & mercy each day.

Forever thankful to God for each one of you, His faithful saints,

tsk tsk

today is the day

I will see my oncologist at 3pm today. The purpose is to review the PET scan result. Today I will know if the cancer has spread to my lungs or other parts of the body.

Those of you who have suffered from cancer will understand how I am feeling. The most frightening news that one can ever hear in his life is "It is cancer." It is like a death penalty, it is as if life will come to an end soon. I heard those 3 words in Aug 2006. I'm scared to hear it again today.

So appropriately, RBC's "Our Daily Bread" (ODB) for today was on Matthew 6:25-34. It seems like God has placed it there so timely to remind me of His care. The ODB notes ended with these assuring words : "When concern for our own well-being leads to anxious thoughts, we can look at the birds & be assured of our value to God & of His care for us."

"We need not fear the perils around us because
the eye of the Lord is always upon us." (ODB)

Eternally thankful to God no matter what the result might be,
tsk tsk