living each day by God's grace

A bear, a lion and a pig meet.

Bear says : "If I roar in the forest, the entire forest shivers with fear!"

Lion says : "If I roar in the jungle, the entire jungle is afraid of me!"

Pig says : "Big deal .... I only have to cough, and the entire planet lives in fear!"

Humorous but true. The pig or swine, regarded as the most unclean of all animals, has instilled fear around the world. It has affected the way we carry out our daily activities.

I have two follow-up consultations at the National Cancer Centre this week. One of the appointments was postponed from May to July because of MOH's orange alert for H1N1. Non-emergency cases were moved to a later date to reduce the number of patients coming to NCC each day as cancer patients were believed to be more vulnerable to the H1N1 virus.

The atmosphere at the National Cancer Centre is now very different from before. The clinics are quieter & less crowded as there are less patients & visitors. This translates into shorter queue & faster service. How nice! Everyone is also required to wear a mask. You need to be able to recognise people by their eyes or voices. How fascinating!

So how do I fare this time? All the test results are normal. My lung is my main concern, so the good x-ray result is comforting and reassuring. Medical tests & results do not only tell me where I am but they also indicate to me if I am on track.

Life after cancer brings many new challenges. One common question cancer survivors often ask, "Is there anything I should do to keep cancer from coming back?" In my case, what should I do to prevent cancer from returning to my nose or lung or spreading to other parts of the body? Doctors do not have the answer. So I look for my own answer.

Qigong exercise is one new activity I have picked up. Qigong is said to be a good exercise for cancer survivors as it helps to improve blood circulation & strengthen the immune system against diseases such as cancer. Qigong works on the premise that cancer cells cannot thrive in an oxygenated environment. Qigong uses deep diaphragmatic breathing method which is the proper & healthy way of breathing. I never knew there is a correct way of breathing. And I never knew I had not been breathing correctly all my life.

So now I take lessons once a week & make it a daily discipline to practise qigong every morning. Will qigong help to keep my cancer in check? I hope so. If I don't try, I won't know. And even if it doesn't work, it doesn't matter; at least I get to enjoy the exercise. I will do whatever I can possibly do to keep my body & lungs strong & healthy. I will leave to God to do the impossible for only God can.

I'm thankful that each day is a gift of grace from God,
sockkim

goodbye to cancer?

It has been more than 2 months since my lung operation in Dec 2008. What's the latest?

The PET scan I did on Monday has given me an "all-clear" sign, at least for now. The PET scan report, which I collected yesterday, made this conclusion : "No new metastases are seen; no evidence of local recurrence." What this means is there is no sign of cancer in my nose, lungs or other parts of the body. This is indeed good news. Thank You, Lord.

To the uninitiated, PET (Positron Emission Tomography) scan is a diagnostic imaging technique that can help detect suspected cancer, show the effectiveness of cancer treatment & check for recurrence of cancer. But PET scan is not always 100% reliable in detecting cancer. There could be false positives or false negatives. (That was what happened last year when PET scan failed to pick up cancer in my right lung.) Because PET scan is rather expensive (SGH charges $2700 & there is no govt subsidy), doctors usually recommend it only if it is really necessary.

Back to my story ...... so, can I say goodbye to cancer? Is there undetected cancer in my body? Will cancer return? Have I been cured of cancer? No one knows, except God. The only guaranteed assurance I have is that my life is eternally secure in God.

What's next? My oncologist says there is no need for chemotherapy treatment but he will need to monitor me closely. The 1st 5-years are crucial for cancer survivors. I'm now in the half-way mark. According to my surgeon, 20%-30% of patients with metastatic NPC to the lung will not suffer a relapse. Past statistics showed that 70%-80% of patients might suffer a relapse. Statistic is only a number. Whichever side of the statistics I'm on, I know that God is on my side. And God is all I need.

"Be at rest once more, O my soul,
for the Lord has been good to you."
(Psalm 116:7)

thanks for being a part of my life these 2-over years,
sockkim

cancer recurrence? yes, cancer has spread to my lung

This is the news everyone has been waiting for.....the biopsy results.

Backgound : 3 nodules in right lung were removed on 22 Dec 2008

Bad news : metastatic NPC to lung ("metastatic" means cancer has spread to a region remote from its site of origin. In my case, it means cancer has spread to my right lung from its site of origin, the nose. This is not the same as primary lung cancer. Metastatic cancer is also called secondary cancer.)

Good news : the cancerous nodules have been taken out

Treatment : since the cancerous tumour has been removed, chemotherapy might not be necessary. I will have a better picture when I next see my oncologist in Feb.

Chances of cancer recurrence : there is a chance cancer might return in 70%-80% of cases.

Prayer : praise the Lord the cancerous tumour has been removed. Please pray that I will fall within the 20%-30% , that by the mercy & grace of God cancer will not recur.

"I love the Lord for He heard my voice;
He heard my cry for mercy.
Because He turned His ear to me,
I will call on Him as long as I live.

The cords of death entangled me,
the anguish of the grave came upon me;
I was overcome by trouble & sorrow.
Then I called on the name of the Lord :
"Oh Lord, save me!"

The Lord is gracious & righteous;
our God is full of compassion.
The Lord protects the simplehearted;
when I was in great need, He saved me.

Be at rest once more, O my soul,
for the Lord has been good to you."

(Psalm 116:1-7)

Thank You, Lord for You are so good to me.
Thank you, dear brothers & sisters, for praying.
The journey has not ended. Please uphold me in your prayers.

tsk tsk

thank You, Lord

About 25 people turned up at the Thanksgiving Open House today. Thank you for coming to celebrate God's goodness with me. Your presence & prayers were a great encouragement to me.

To those who couldn't come but had sent their well wishes via call, sms or email, thank you. Thank you, Ai Fong, for initiating this Thanksgiving Open House. Thanks also to those who had cooked or bought food. Each one of you had brought cheer to my heart. Thank you for spending the last day of the year with me. Thank you for leaving behind such sweet memories.

Thank You, Lord for 2008 -- for joy & sorrow, for roses & thorns, for sunshine & rain, for calm & storms, for mountains & valleys, for laughter & tears, for pleasure & pain, for hope & despair, for health & sickness, for peace & turmoil, for comfort & grief. Thank You, Lord for Your strength & grace to live each day.

You can view some photos under the heading, "Thanksgiving Dec 2008" on the side column.

"(We) will celebrate Your abundant goodness
and joyfully sing of Your righteousness."
(Psalm 145:7)

thank you for journeying along with me this past year,
tsk tsk

life may be unfair but God is good

On this night before I am admitted to SGH tomorrow for a lung surgery, my mind travels back to the events of the last 2 years.

• I discovered I had nose cancer (NPC) in Aug 2006.
• I underwent 8 weeks of radiation treatment in Sep-Oct 2006.
• The MRI scan done in Jan 2007 confirmed the nasopharynx area behind my nose was clear of tumour.
• My first annual CT scan in Sep 2007 showed sub-cm tiny nodules in the right lung.
• A follow-up lung scan in Mar 2008 confirmed 2 nodules in the right lung, "suspicious of metastasis".
• PET scan done in Mar 2008 could not determine if the nodules were malignant.
• My second annual CT scan done in Nov 2008 made the same conclusion, "suspicious of pulmonary metastasis".
• My oncologist referred me to see a lung surgeon.
• On 11 Dec 2008, Dr Koong advised that the nodules should be removed as soon as possible.
• The surgery was fixed on 22 Dec 2008.

In the 2 months between Nov & Dec 2008, there was fear & anxiety within me as I tried to make sense of what was happening. But as I confide my fears & anxieties to the Lord, I begin to feel God's peace & presence within me.

I learned from my oncologist that rarely does NPC spread to the lungs. According to him, the number of such cases so far could be counted with one hand. And one of them has to be me.

Why is life so unfair? I recently read an RBC booklet of the same title, based on the story of Asaph who wrote Psalm 73. Incidentally, one of my favourite verses is Psalm 73:26 - "My flesh & my heart may fail, but God is the strength of my heart & my portion forever."

Life may be unfair but God is good. God has been my Strength in times of adversity. God has been my Hope when everything seems hopeless. God has been my Peace when my heart is gripped with fear & uncertainty.

Life may be unfair but I will trust my loving Father all the way. This is because I know that God is too wise to make mistakes; God is too good to make me suffer for no reason or purpose.

I pray that it will not be cancer. Even if it is, I will still love the Lord my God with all my heart. Daniel's words came to mind :

"If we are thrown into the blazing furnace, the God we serve is able to save us from it, and He will rescue us from your hand, O king. But even if He does not, we want you to know that we will not serve your gods or worship the image of gold you have set up." (Daniel 3:17-18)

As I lie on the operating table on Monday morning, I know that you will be on your knees praying for me. I know that the Lord will be with me in the operating room. God is our Creator, our Divine Physician, our Healer.

See you all after my surgery,

tsk tsk

life after cancer.....2 years on

Today is a nostalgic day. On this day 2 years ago, I was told I had nasopharyngeal cancer. The memories are still fresh. That unexpected news opened a new chapter in my life. Life after cancer has never been the same. Cancer treatment took only 2 months but the after-effects of radiotherapy continue to affect every facet of my life even today.

The most severe after-effect is xerostomia or dry mouth condition. I have only about 70% of saliva in my mouth compared to that of a normal person. We have often taken our saliva for granted, oblivious to its multiple God-given benefits. Without saliva, we will find it difficult to eat, swallow or talk. Without saliva, our teeth & gum will become extra-sensitive & will be prone to dental decay.

God has given us every part in our human body for a purpose. If any part is missing or breaks down, our body will not function properly. It takes a divine mind to think of everything our body needs. Our God is a great God.

How do I survive with lack of saliva in my mouth? I need to sip water throughout the day. I need water, soup or gravy to go with my food. I must remember to bring a bottle of water when I go out. In places where drinking water is not allowed, such as in buses or trains, I will use a spray to wet my dry mouth.

Life after cancer has been full of challenges as I learn to live with all the changes. The journey to recovery would not have been possible without God's faithfulness & all your prayerful support.

Thank you, dear family & friends, for standing solidly by me these 2 years.

tsk tsk

death planning

When I told my friends I was going to spend my BSF break in June doing "death planning", some thought I sounded so morbid while others felt I was so brave to face this forbidden subject.

"Death planning" means planning in the event of death. It includes writing a will, planning for wakes & funerals, leaving instructions how you would like to be preserved on earth (burial or cremation), choosing your favourite hymns, preparing your final speech, saying your last goodbyes. For me, I need to think seriously where I would like to hold my funeral, be buried or cremated, in Singapore or Malaysia - as both countries are very close to my heart.

No living person likes to openly discuss their death. But then this is the reality of life; we never know when God will call us home. There are 3 ways one can die : accident, illness, old age. The trouble is we can't choose how we would like to die. The recent Sichuan earthquake is a good example of how one can die suddenly without the chance to say goodbye to one's family & friends. The lesson is we should be prepared to die anytime. When our time on earth is up, then it's time to go home to eternity. Eternity can be heaven or hell. To my friends who are not Christians, do you know where you will be going after you die - heaven or hell? Jesus is the only passport to heaven. You need to believe in Jesus if you want to go to heaven. This is because the Bible says "Jesus is the way, the truth and the life." (John 14:6)

The irony of life is that some of us are "poor" when we are alive but we are "rich" when we die. What do I mean? If you have done your estate planning or written your will, you will discover that you will leave behind your property, CPF and other savings which might easily add up to a million dollars. We work & work all our lives trying to earn a decent living to feed a family, to pay off mortgages, to settle medical bills & other commitments but when we die, we leave behind money for others to enjoy. And this is the money we need most now when we are alive. This is the irony of life.

I've been wanting to write a will for a long time. It was my recent cancer experience that reminded me not to delay anymore. I have been praying about this since then, asking the Lord how He would like me to give away His money in the event I die. I pray that the Lord will guide me to make the right decision.

"Lord, all I have comes from You. Show me how You like me to use Your money to bless others after I die."

tsk tsk

a gift from God

God's love & care for His own overwhelms me. There are times when I don't pray aloud for a specific need, yet God sees the unexpressed desire of my heart & gives me a pleasant surprise when He meets my need in an unexpected way. This is the true heart of a loving Father towards His children. This is my personal experience of God.

I thank God for leading me to seek TCM treatment as the alternative way to improve my health. God knows how serious I am in wanting to get well. God sees how I struggle each day to brew & drink the herbs. In an earlier blog posting, I had mentioned how nice it would be if someone could brew the herbs for me! God answered the desire of my heart in an unexpected way.

On Tuesday, I received an email from a dear friend. Irene Tan (a previous BSF CL), a Singaporean living in KL, read my blog & responded immediately to my need. She said she has an electric-powered TCM earthern pot which can auto-brew the herbs to the desired level. The pot has an auto buzzer which will give out a loud buzzing sound when the herbs are ready. Someone had mentioned about this TCM pot to me last year but I had forgotten all about it. Irene said she would bring the pot for me in her next trip back from KL.

On Wed, when I was at SGH, Irene called to say her dad bought a few pots last year and he so "happened" to have one pot left unused! Irene arranged to pick me up from Dover MRT on my way home from SGH so that she could pass me the TCM pot. Irene wrote later, "I now don't think my dad was so crazy to buy so many pots at one go afterall. It looks like God used my dad to stock a pot for you since last year." I was moved to tears. I am touched to see the way God loves & cares for me.

I now use the magic TCM pot to brew herbs every night. I am deeply impressed. The pot does the job for me perfectly. There is no need to set the alarm clock anymore. There is no need to worry about spilling or over-brewing anymore. There is no need to constantly check the water level anymore. A loud buzzing sound will alert me once the herbal medicine reaches the right level. Even if I miss the buzz, the pot will automatically switch to "warm" after 30 seconds. The herbal medicine will not dry up. What a clever invention indeed!

Brewing herbs has now become a breeze. The best thing is the TCM pot enhances the quality of the herbal medicine. The medicine tastes thicker & tastier. Now I enjoy drinking the bitter-sweet herbal medicine!

"Lord, thank You for using Irene & her dad to meet my need.
Lord, thank You for your gift."

tsk tsk

What did the tests reveal?

Breast ultrasound
I quietly asked the radiographer if she saw anything suspicious on my breasts. She showed me the ultrasound picture which spotted a lump on my left breast, plus other cysts on both breasts. She assured me, "don't worry, it looks harmless" & added that my doctor would advise me accordingly next Friday.

Thyroid nodule
My previous PET scan had suspected a left thyroid nodule, amongst other things, so my ENT doctor is referring me to do further tests. I had an operation 8 years ago to remove a right thyroid nodule which was benign. This left thyroid nodule was already spotted during an MRI scan I did in 2006 before my radiation treatment but FNAB confirmed it was benign. My oncologist had said the radiation could reduce the nodule as the rays passed through the neck area. It looks like there is a bit of the nodule left. Or maybe it is a new growth.

"Thank You, Lord, that my flesh & my heart may fail but You are the strength of my heart & my portion forever." (Psalm 73:26)

tsk tsk

what a day!

Yesterday was a real test of my physical strength & stamina. I was surprised at myself that I could do so many things, walked so many miles without feeling tired or breathless.

7.00 am - waky, waky......had oats for breakfast, drank Chinese "coca-cola" (herbal medicine).
9.00 am - took MRT to Outram Park; walked to Chinatown (Temple St) to place orders for 10pkt of TCM herbs; instead of walking back to Outram Park, took bus to Outram Rd; walked to SGH Blk 1 (instead of taking SGH shuttle bus which by this time always has a long queue).
10.30 am - registered for mammogram & breast ultra-sound.
12.15 pm - completed above; walked to Blk 4 food court for lunch.
1.15 pm - walked to National Dental Centre for 1.30pm dental appointment; Dr Png spent one hour fitting & trying the new denture on me.
2.40 pm - arrived 20min late for ENT appointment. As usual, ENT clinic is always crowded & slow.
3.55 pm - waited more than one hour for my turn - this is "normal". Dr Chiew did a thorough check on my ear, nose, throat, said everything was clear; reviewed previous PET scan results & referred me to do thyroid ultrasound & FNAC (fine needle aspiration cytology).
4.30 pm - walked to Diagnostic Radiology dept to book appointments for above. Appointment was fixed for 25 Aug.
5.00 pm - whew! done with all my SGH appointments; walked to Chinatown to pick up my herbs; walked back to Outram Pk MRT.
6.30 pm - Irene Tan (BSF) picked me up at Dover MRT to drive me home (please read separate story on this).
7.05 pm - reached home; washed up; cooked simple dinner.
8.15 pm - brewed TCM herbs
10.45pm - drank Chinese "coca-cola"
12.00 mn - sweet dreams zzzzzzzzzzz

That was a 17-hour marathon without any rest in between. Strange thing was I didn't feel tired or breathless, even when I was walking at super-speed from SGH to Chinatown & back to Outram Pk under the scorching sun. It was another good sign that my body was probably regaining its strength. A friend was amazed & said that even a normal person could not walk the miles I had walked. Those who know me would know that I had always loved walking & that I am a fast walker too. I look forward to the day when I can resume my regular walks in nature parks.

I would love to try the newly opened "Southern Ridges", a 9km walk through the rolling hills of Mount Faber, Telok Blangah Hill, Kent Ridge Park & ending at West Coast Park. It would be such an exciting experience, walking on high bridges & enjoying the natural surroundings that God has created for our enjoyment. Is anyone game enough to join me?

I thank God for sustaining me,
tsk tsk

one tooth gone

Last Sunday morning, one front tooth on the lower jaw fell off while I was brushing my teeth. Good thing it left behind a stump or else I would be in deep trouble. This tooth has become loose after my radiation.

Dr Kaung had explained to me before that tooth extraction is not allowed for NPC survivors in the first 8 years after radiation due to the high risk of infection as the wound would not heal. This is one after-effect of radiation I have to live with after cancer. Daily oral hygiene is essential to prevent tooth decay & infection. It's becoming a daily habit to brush & floss my teeth after each meal. I also need to apply fluoride on my teeth every night. Surgery to the jaws would be necessary if serious tooth infection occurs. I pray this will never happen to me.

I went to the National Dental Centre (NDC) today to have my tooth examined by another dental surgeon as Dr Kaung was busy. Dr Png confirmed there was no tooth infection & treated the stump to prevent any infection in the future. I agreed to wear dentures for the time being. Dr Png advised that should I experience pain or discomfort, I must return to NDC immediately.

As my lower teeth seem to be decaying, it looks like I might have a challienging time ahead. This is the latest addition to my already long list of concerns. Before cancer, I took pride in having a good set of teeth & a clean bill of health. But cancer has changed my life.

thanks for praying alongside me on this journey,
tsk tsk

going the TCM way

Last Saturday, I went to Singapore Chung Hwa Medical Institution at Toa Payoh to consult a TCM physician, on the recommendation of a friend who is an acupuncture practitioner at the same clinic.

Dr Cheng, a dental surgeon who is now practising TCM, studied my medical reports & helped me to understand my health condition the TCM way. The TCM approach to analysing health issues is completely different from the western approach, so it was a delightful discovery for me. It now makes more sense to me why my body behaves as it does, issues which I have raised with my western-trained doctors but had received no satisfactory answers. At last I understand why I get so easily tired & cold nowadays. I knew all this while something is wrong with my body but I didn’t know what or why. Now I can only hope & pray that TCM is the way to help restore back the health I had lost.

I am not saying that TCM approach is better than the other. I believe that both western & eastern medicine complement each other. I have been doing some research over the internet to learn more about this "east meets west" complementary approach to treating illnesses. Looking at some of the changes taking place in the medical field, I am confident & look forward to the day when western-trained doctors & TCM physicians can work hand-in-hand to offer complementary treatments to cancer patients. Some changes are already taking place in Singapore with some hospitals such as SGH, CGH & Raffles Hospital setting up TCM clinics to complement conventional treatments.

"Western medicine treats the disease (not the person) and standard treatments are drugs, diagnostic procedures, some using equipment, and operations. TCM, on the other hand, treats the person as it regards the patient as a whole being. TCM also uses herbs not drugs and is non- invasive." (Dr Swee YP, the 1st doctor to practise both western & eastern medicine in Singapore).

Dr Swee added, "TCM is all about 'Balance - Yin & Yang'". Yin can be likened to an over alkaline body and Yang, an acidic body. An acidic body is a cancer prone body, so one must always try to have a more alkaline body. This, ideally, means eating a vegetarian diet of fresh organic fruits and vegetables and whole grains."

And what was Dr Cheng's diagnosis of my health? I am deficient in Yin-Yang; I am also deficient in "Qi" (energy), another measure of a body's health. The conclusion is there is a lot to be done to gradually restore my health & build up my body's immunity. Dr Cheng said it’s going to be a long process to restore & replenish what I’ve lost as my body is now very weak, deficient in all the essentials my body needs.

What I dread most is brewing & drinking the bitter-sweet herbs. I am one who dislikes taking medicine, be it drugs or herbs. I tried TCM treatment in 2007 but I stopped after just 4 months because I was very "sick" of the herbs. The smell & taste of herbs made me vomit. Since then, I had hesitated going back to TCM because the thought of taking herbs again frightened me.

Please pray that this time, I can "tahan" the herbs without vomitting. I have to brew the herbs once a day & drink it twice a day (one after breakfast, one after dinner).

thanks for remembering me in your thoughts & prayers,
tsk tsk

a time-bomb in my body

Finally I had the time to sit down to think through & reflect. Everything was moving so fast the last few days. The bad lung report, the worried expression on my doctor's face, the gentle touch on my shoulders to reassure me, the hurriedly-arranged PET scan, the scan report......what does it all mean?

As I look back at the events of the last few days, one thing is clear to me - the grace & love of God. I do not know & do not understand what is happening. But I know I have a great God whom I can trust in times of trouble. I'm indeed thankful to God for protecting me from the relapse of cancer. I am overwhelmed by the depth of God's love for me. I could sense His presence as He wept along with me. I could sense His comfort as He put His loving arms around me. I could sense His compassion as He allowed me to express my innermost fears to Him. I could sense His strength as He lifted me up from my agony of pain. Not once did my Father condemn me for reacting like any human would, for coming to Him as I am.....weak, wretched & helpless.

Praise be to God for a triumphant finish to a week of trials & testing. It’s indeed a relief to know for now that cancer did not / has not spread to other parts of the body (metastasis). I am aware that my battle against cancer is not over yet. What is troubling me is not so much the occasional rib pain I experience from time to time, but to know that the 2 cysts in my right lung are still there, & have grown 3 times in the past 6 months. Assuming the same growth rate in the next 12 months, this means the cysts might grow to 3cm by Mar 2009. This is worrying. It is like having a time-bomb in my body & I do not know when it will explode.

So what should I do now? The doctor’s “wait & see” answer makes me feel rather uneasy. I’m not convinced that I should simply wait & do nothing. I have this time-bomb in my body & my heart prompts me I must do something. I believe I need practical faith to go forth to seek alternative treatment. Since western medicine offers me no solution, it looks like I have to turn to Traditional Chinese Medicine (TCM) to help build my body's immunity. Please pray along with me that God will lead me in the right direction.

I'm now living on God's extended time. Each day is a day of grace from God.

Thanks for travelling this long & difficult journey with me,

tsk tsk

praise God, no cancer

I had prepared myself mentally for the worst. It had been so agonising over the past few days. I was agonised at the thought of having to go through another round of cancer. I was agonised at the thought of having to go through suffering & pain again. Only Jesus could understand the agony I went through. Jesus at Gethsemane had agonised over His impending death when He said, "My soul is overwhelmed with sorrow to the point of death.......My Father, if it is possible, may this cup be taken from me." (Matt 26:38,39)

But God heard not only my cries, but the cries of all His saints who were pleading with Him for mercy. When I entered the doctor's room, I told the doctor I was prepared for the bad news, but the doctor exclaimed, "Who said it's bad news? It's good news!" I couldn't believe my ears. The doctor went through the PET scan report with me. The report said there was no sign that cancer had spread to my lungs or other parts of the body. I said a quiet "Thank You" to God in my heart.

It is always darkest just before dawn. I pray that the darkest night is past, that this new dawn will stay on for a long time. For though the report says there is no sign of cancer in the lungs & other parts of the body, the 2 cysts in the lung remain. The cysts in the lung have grown 3 times within a period of 6 months. This is worrying. Will they grow further? Will they become cancerous in future? These are questions which are of concern to me. But the doctor's answer is "wait & see". This answer makes me feel uneasy. I will need to trust all these to God. I will seek the Lord's guidance as to what I should do next.

I would like to express my sincere thanks to :

• everyone who has travelled alongside me in this journey through cancer. Many of you have called, sms-ed or emailed to assure me of your prayers. I am very touched by your love & concern. Thank you for lifting me up before the throne of grace with your tears & petition before God.
• these Godsend angels - PS, PL, Ruby - who were there by my side to share my sorrow & joy. Thank you for bringing me out for dinner & for the wonderful fellowship we had.
• last but not least, to the Almighty God for His unfailing love & mercy towards me. Thank You, Lord, for hearing & answering the prayers of all Your faithful saints.

Though the Lord has graciously averted the crisis today, my journey with cancer is not over yet. The cysts in my lung will remain my major concern in the months ahead. Please graciously lift me up before God's throne of grace & mercy each day.

Forever thankful to God for each one of you, His faithful saints,

tsk tsk

today is the day

I will see my oncologist at 3pm today. The purpose is to review the PET scan result. Today I will know if the cancer has spread to my lungs or other parts of the body.

Those of you who have suffered from cancer will understand how I am feeling. The most frightening news that one can ever hear in his life is "It is cancer." It is like a death penalty, it is as if life will come to an end soon. I heard those 3 words in Aug 2006. I'm scared to hear it again today.

So appropriately, RBC's "Our Daily Bread" (ODB) for today was on Matthew 6:25-34. It seems like God has placed it there so timely to remind me of His care. The ODB notes ended with these assuring words : "When concern for our own well-being leads to anxious thoughts, we can look at the birds & be assured of our value to God & of His care for us."

"We need not fear the perils around us because
the eye of the Lord is always upon us." (ODB)

Eternally thankful to God no matter what the result might be,
tsk tsk

PET scan

I went to SGH to do PET scan this morning. It was such a long day. I was there from 10.30am to 3.30pm. I was so hungry the first thing I did when I came home was to find food. I was required to fast from midnight to prepare for the scan.

I am thankful to these 2 BSF ladies who drove me to & from SGH despite their busy schedule - CF & PS. CF had to fetch her children to/from school after dropping me off at SGH; PS waited for me while I was in the scanning room --- that was a cool 3-hour wait. I am thankful to God for always sending angels to attend to me in my time of need. My DG leader, FM, is so right when he said that BSF is God's gift to me. Indeed it is, and always has been.

The PET scan results will be known in a day or two, but I do not wish to know the results until I see my oncologist next Wed. My heart tells me it would be bad news, so I don't want to hear it too soon. This "lung" thing has been troubling me since last year when I first learned of the tiny nodule on my right lung. I've been preparing myself for the worst since then. Now it seems that the day has come.

Whatever the outcome, I will praise God along with the psalmist : "Then my soul will rejoice in the LORD & delight in His salvation." (Psalm 35:9)

thanks for walking with me in my journey with cancer,
tsk tsk

has cancer spread to my lungs?

Has cancer spread to my lungs? I will know the answer by next week.

My lung scan report released today was not good. The 2 nodules had grown in size. I thought that previously there was only one nodule, how come now there are 2? The report says, "These are suspicious for metastasis" (metastasis means cancer has spread to another part of the body).
My oncologist immediately arranged for me to do an urgent PET scan test tomorrow. Positron Emission Tomography or PET scan is a unique type of imaging test that helps doctors see how the organs and tissues inside the body are actually functioning. PET scans are commonly used to detect cancer, heart problems, brain disorders and other central nervous system disorders.

This is my second health scare since Aug 2006. I had been rather anxious about my lungs since Sep 2007 when my body-scan report revealed a "stable non-specific nodule" on my right lung. I couldn't sleep the whole night yesterday; maybe subconsciously my mind was anxious. Sometimes my body seems to forewarn me about something unpleasant that is to come.

I was so exhausted after a whole day in the hospital today that I napped for more than an hour when I came home. Alone at home, I felt so lost & lonely. The place was so quiet. There was no one I could confide in or cry with. Lord, where are You? In times like this, I sometimes feel like the Lord has forgotten me.

Please uphold me in prayers as I go through another hurdle with cancer,

tsk tsk

I am still alive & kicking

My long silence could mean 2 things. Either I'm dead or I'm busy like everyone else. In the event I enter into eternal glory, there will be an announcement on this blog. I know that my former manager, PS will announce my departure on this blog on my behalf. PS was the creator of this blog & she will also bring it to a close should I go to heaven before her.

So, tsk tsk, what have you been doing these past 2 months? Good thing I keep a daily journal, so it's not a problem recalling what I did in Feb & Mar.

5 Feb 2008 - Today was the eve of Lunar New Year's Eve. I held a reunion dinner tonight because I would be going home to Batu Pahat tomorrow. My youngest sister, Shuli came back for CNY (she is based in Taiwan). My eldest sister, Shuyun & family joined us for dinner.

6 Feb 2008 - I baked Pandan Kaya cake this morning for my family. Shuli's friend, Mei Yan gave us a lift back to Batu Pahat. We left Singapore at about 4pm. We did not make it in time for reunion dinner as we reached BP past 9pm. There was a heavy traffic jam at the causeway. Mei Yan also had to drop by JB to pick up her brother's family.

7 Feb 2008 - Xin Nian Meng En! Blessed Lunar New Year! My family & I attended the CNY service at Saving Grace Chinese Church. Then we "bai-nian" the whole afternoon, visiting some of my Ah-Yi and Ah-Koh. Time did not permit me to visit more.

8 Feb 2008 - A good "elderly" friend brought me out for lunch. Mum & Shuli joined us too. Without fail, this person would call me on the second day of CNY every year. This was the time of the year she knew for sure I would be home. I went shopping at BP Mall tonight. BP is growing numerically & commercially. BP is now the 10th largest town in Malaysia with a population of about 470,000. Everytime I go back, there will be new shopping malls which are crowded with people. Besides BP Mall, there is also Carrefour hypermarket. Both of these are giant size to the envy of Singapore.

9 Feb 2008 - My 2nd brother drove me & Shuli back to Singapore. Mum came along. They dropped by my eldest sister's place to "bai-nian" before spending the rest of the day at my place.

15 Feb 2008 - Shuli returned to Taiwan this morning. We had a wonderful time of fellowship during the one-week she stayed with me.

16 Feb 2008 - BSF workshop today......this signals the end of the long 4-month break. After today, life is going to get busy, busy, busy again. BSF is doing the book of Matthew. YP & I will be co-teaching the Senior Level class (15-18 years old). This is the 2nd time I am teaching the Senior class. The last time was 2004/2005.

23 Feb 2008 - We had our 1st BSF Leaders' Meeting this morning. In the evening, I went with 2 friends to JB to attend a wedding dinner - Teck Hui & Ley Tin's daughter's wedding. TH & LT are good, old friends from Batu Pahat. Believe it or not, we have not seen each other for almost 30 years. It was a beautiful wedding. The most nostalgic part of the evening was the meeting of former BP folks whom we have not seen for almost 30 years since our Youth Fellowship days in Batu Pahat! For many of us, we couldn't recognise each other! It's obvious we don't look as youthful as our teenage years......but the voice, the mannerisms haven't changed a single bit! There is talk about organising a reunion for all BP folks..........before we all pass on.

7 Mar 2008 - I attended the NPC Support group meeting tonight. The talk was on TCM (Traditional Chinese Medicine). This time, the talk would be spread over 2 Fridays. The 2 speakers are TCM physicians from Thong Chai Medical Institution at Chin Swee Road. These 2 physicians specialise in cancer treatment using TCM.

8 Mar 2008 - Today was the 12th General Election in Malaysia. As a Malaysian citizen, I am eligible to vote but I have not gone back to BP to cast my vote for the past 2 or 3 elections. Reason? My vote doesn't make any difference. Why? If you are familiar with Malaysian history, you will know that Batu Pahat is the birthplace of UMNO & therefore a stronghold of UMNO. Politics in BP is very boring because the opposition parties know they have very slim chance of winning here. I stayed up the whole night to watch the results of the election......so shocked with the results I couldn't sleep!

14 Mar 2008 - Attended Part 2 of the talk on TCM at the NPC Support Group meeting.

18 Mar 2008 - Tonight I had to go solo, meaning I had to teach the 2-hour program all by myself as my co-CL was sick. The "spiritual attack" came again. My left ear suffered a sudden blockage when I started my Bible Lesson. The ear blockage also went off suddenly as soon as I finished my 25-min BL. When my ear was blocked, I could not hear myself very clearly so I spoke very loud (this was what CS told me when I shared my experience with her). It happened several times last year too. Strange thing is, my ear would suddenly become blocked when I start the BL. But when I do the other segments (discussion, discovery, closing), I don't experience ear blockage at all. I don't understand. What I know is that each time it happens, I feel very lousy because I can't hear my own voice. But I know that the Holy Spirit will guide my mouth to say the words He wants the students to hear. The amazing thing is I do not need to sip any water during the 2-hour session - not only tonight, but every Tuesday night. This is my experience of God.

This is the end of my daily journal recorded for the months of Feb & Mar. Thanks for reading. Hope you will whisper my name in your prayers each time you read my blog.

praise God I'm still alive & kicking,

tsk tsk

rib pain

These days, when I notice a lump or feel pain in any part of my body, I will somehow become fearful & scared.

In the past few weeks I could feel pain on the rib bones of my upper chest. When I touch the affected area, I am not sure if it is a bone or lump. Can it be bone metastasis? During my ENT appointment this morning, I took the chance to ask the ENT doctor. The doctor said I could have over-exerted my muscles during exercise. But given that I am a cancer survivor, it is better to be on the side of caution. So I am scheduled to go for a bone scan on 23 Jan.

Please pray for the Lord's protection on my health.

"Be merciful to me, LORD, for I am faint;
O LORD, heal me, for my bones are in agony.
My soul is in anguish.
How long, O LORD, how long?
Turn, O LORD, and deliver me;
save me because of Your unfailing love."
(Psalm 6:2-4)

thanks for journeying with me,
tsk tsk

Thank You, Lord, for 2007

I will remember 2007 as a year of bitter-sweet memories. It was a year of struggles as I learned to cope with life after cancer. It was a year of challenges as I learned to live with the many side-effects of radiation. But I will also remember 2007 as a year I experienced God's abundant & amazing grace. It was a year I tasted God's goodness & faithfulness.

The past one year had helped me to see things from the eyes of a cancer patient & survivor. Many people do not realise that the recovery process for most cancer patients takes a long time & can be a frustrating, lonely & painful experience. There are frustrating moments when family & friends do not understand what cancer survivors are going through physically & emotionally. There are lonely moments when cancer survivors have to walk through the unknown journey of recovery without knowing what is happening. There are painful moments when cancer survivors are subjected to careless & insensitive remarks by well-meaning people.

On this last day of 2007, I would like to praise & thank God for who He is - the Almighty & Sovereign God, the all-knowing, all-wise, all-loving God. I would like to end the year by singing the following hymn to the Lord.

Thanks to God

Thanks to God for my Redeemer,
Thanks for all Thou dost provide,
Thanks for times now but a memory,
Thanks for Jesus by my side.
Thanks for pleasant, balmy springtime,
Thanks for dark & dreary fall,
Thanks for tears by now forgotten,
Thanks for peace within my soul.

Thanks for prayers that Thou hast answered,
Thanks for what Thou dost deny;
Thanks for storms that I have weathered,
Thanks for all Thou dost supply.
Thanks for pain and thanks for pleasure,
Thanks for comfort in despair,
Thanks for grace that none can measure,
Thanks for love beyond compare.

Thanks for roses by the wayside,
Thanks for thorns their stems contain,
Thanks for home & thanks for fireside,
Thanks for hope, that sweet refrain.
Thanks for joy & thanks for sorrow,
Thanks for heavenly peace within,
Thanks for hope in the tomorrow,
Thanks through all eternity!

"Lord, I thank You for the year just past - the challenges & the joys. I look forward to the coming year and ask that You will shine Your light upon my path that I may walk in Your ways all the days of my life. Amen."

thank you for journeying with me through 2007,
tsk tsk