living each day by God's grace

A bear, a lion and a pig meet.

Bear says : "If I roar in the forest, the entire forest shivers with fear!"

Lion says : "If I roar in the jungle, the entire jungle is afraid of me!"

Pig says : "Big deal .... I only have to cough, and the entire planet lives in fear!"

Humorous but true. The pig or swine, regarded as the most unclean of all animals, has instilled fear around the world. It has affected the way we carry out our daily activities.

I have two follow-up consultations at the National Cancer Centre this week. One of the appointments was postponed from May to July because of MOH's orange alert for H1N1. Non-emergency cases were moved to a later date to reduce the number of patients coming to NCC each day as cancer patients were believed to be more vulnerable to the H1N1 virus.

The atmosphere at the National Cancer Centre is now very different from before. The clinics are quieter & less crowded as there are less patients & visitors. This translates into shorter queue & faster service. How nice! Everyone is also required to wear a mask. You need to be able to recognise people by their eyes or voices. How fascinating!

So how do I fare this time? All the test results are normal. My lung is my main concern, so the good x-ray result is comforting and reassuring. Medical tests & results do not only tell me where I am but they also indicate to me if I am on track.

Life after cancer brings many new challenges. One common question cancer survivors often ask, "Is there anything I should do to keep cancer from coming back?" In my case, what should I do to prevent cancer from returning to my nose or lung or spreading to other parts of the body? Doctors do not have the answer. So I look for my own answer.

Qigong exercise is one new activity I have picked up. Qigong is said to be a good exercise for cancer survivors as it helps to improve blood circulation & strengthen the immune system against diseases such as cancer. Qigong works on the premise that cancer cells cannot thrive in an oxygenated environment. Qigong uses deep diaphragmatic breathing method which is the proper & healthy way of breathing. I never knew there is a correct way of breathing. And I never knew I had not been breathing correctly all my life.

So now I take lessons once a week & make it a daily discipline to practise qigong every morning. Will qigong help to keep my cancer in check? I hope so. If I don't try, I won't know. And even if it doesn't work, it doesn't matter; at least I get to enjoy the exercise. I will do whatever I can possibly do to keep my body & lungs strong & healthy. I will leave to God to do the impossible for only God can.

I'm thankful that each day is a gift of grace from God,
sockkim

"Tempur" magic pillow

Do you experience pain & aches on your neck & shoulders? I do. And the radiotherapy treatment I received in 2006 worsened my condition. I ended up with stiff neck.

The acupuncture I received was quite effective in relieving the pain & aches. But somehow the relief wears off & I would need to go back for some more acupuncture.

Then Irene Tan, my "emergency angel" came to my rescue. She read about my neck problem on this blog & emailed to tell me about how "Tempur" pillow saved her from a critical neck problem some years back. Her story convinced me. So off I went to look for this magic pillow.

It was such good timing for the Great Singapore Sale (GSS) is now on. I bought the pillow at Robinsons at a 10% GSS discount (with a further 5% discount for Robinsons cardholder). The pillow works like magic. Believe it or not, my neck pain & aches disappeared the first night I slept on it. It's simply amazing! This Tempur pillow is so effective. I now wake up each morning without any neck pain & aches. It looks like I won't need to go for acupuncture from now on.

p/s : Prices before 10% discount. Medium-size = $279. Large-size = $299. There is a 3-year warranty. Beware of fakes or copycats in the market. The genuine Tempur pillow is sold only at established departmental stores like Robinsons, Takashimaya, OG & Tangs. To know more about this magic pillow, please go to http://www.tempur.com.sg/.

Lord, thank You that now I can sleep soundly every night.

tsk tsk

a gift from God

God's love & care for His own overwhelms me. There are times when I don't pray aloud for a specific need, yet God sees the unexpressed desire of my heart & gives me a pleasant surprise when He meets my need in an unexpected way. This is the true heart of a loving Father towards His children. This is my personal experience of God.

I thank God for leading me to seek TCM treatment as the alternative way to improve my health. God knows how serious I am in wanting to get well. God sees how I struggle each day to brew & drink the herbs. In an earlier blog posting, I had mentioned how nice it would be if someone could brew the herbs for me! God answered the desire of my heart in an unexpected way.

On Tuesday, I received an email from a dear friend. Irene Tan (a previous BSF CL), a Singaporean living in KL, read my blog & responded immediately to my need. She said she has an electric-powered TCM earthern pot which can auto-brew the herbs to the desired level. The pot has an auto buzzer which will give out a loud buzzing sound when the herbs are ready. Someone had mentioned about this TCM pot to me last year but I had forgotten all about it. Irene said she would bring the pot for me in her next trip back from KL.

On Wed, when I was at SGH, Irene called to say her dad bought a few pots last year and he so "happened" to have one pot left unused! Irene arranged to pick me up from Dover MRT on my way home from SGH so that she could pass me the TCM pot. Irene wrote later, "I now don't think my dad was so crazy to buy so many pots at one go afterall. It looks like God used my dad to stock a pot for you since last year." I was moved to tears. I am touched to see the way God loves & cares for me.

I now use the magic TCM pot to brew herbs every night. I am deeply impressed. The pot does the job for me perfectly. There is no need to set the alarm clock anymore. There is no need to worry about spilling or over-brewing anymore. There is no need to constantly check the water level anymore. A loud buzzing sound will alert me once the herbal medicine reaches the right level. Even if I miss the buzz, the pot will automatically switch to "warm" after 30 seconds. The herbal medicine will not dry up. What a clever invention indeed!

Brewing herbs has now become a breeze. The best thing is the TCM pot enhances the quality of the herbal medicine. The medicine tastes thicker & tastier. Now I enjoy drinking the bitter-sweet herbal medicine!

"Lord, thank You for using Irene & her dad to meet my need.
Lord, thank You for your gift."

tsk tsk

what a day!

Yesterday was a real test of my physical strength & stamina. I was surprised at myself that I could do so many things, walked so many miles without feeling tired or breathless.

7.00 am - waky, waky......had oats for breakfast, drank Chinese "coca-cola" (herbal medicine).
9.00 am - took MRT to Outram Park; walked to Chinatown (Temple St) to place orders for 10pkt of TCM herbs; instead of walking back to Outram Park, took bus to Outram Rd; walked to SGH Blk 1 (instead of taking SGH shuttle bus which by this time always has a long queue).
10.30 am - registered for mammogram & breast ultra-sound.
12.15 pm - completed above; walked to Blk 4 food court for lunch.
1.15 pm - walked to National Dental Centre for 1.30pm dental appointment; Dr Png spent one hour fitting & trying the new denture on me.
2.40 pm - arrived 20min late for ENT appointment. As usual, ENT clinic is always crowded & slow.
3.55 pm - waited more than one hour for my turn - this is "normal". Dr Chiew did a thorough check on my ear, nose, throat, said everything was clear; reviewed previous PET scan results & referred me to do thyroid ultrasound & FNAC (fine needle aspiration cytology).
4.30 pm - walked to Diagnostic Radiology dept to book appointments for above. Appointment was fixed for 25 Aug.
5.00 pm - whew! done with all my SGH appointments; walked to Chinatown to pick up my herbs; walked back to Outram Pk MRT.
6.30 pm - Irene Tan (BSF) picked me up at Dover MRT to drive me home (please read separate story on this).
7.05 pm - reached home; washed up; cooked simple dinner.
8.15 pm - brewed TCM herbs
10.45pm - drank Chinese "coca-cola"
12.00 mn - sweet dreams zzzzzzzzzzz

That was a 17-hour marathon without any rest in between. Strange thing was I didn't feel tired or breathless, even when I was walking at super-speed from SGH to Chinatown & back to Outram Pk under the scorching sun. It was another good sign that my body was probably regaining its strength. A friend was amazed & said that even a normal person could not walk the miles I had walked. Those who know me would know that I had always loved walking & that I am a fast walker too. I look forward to the day when I can resume my regular walks in nature parks.

I would love to try the newly opened "Southern Ridges", a 9km walk through the rolling hills of Mount Faber, Telok Blangah Hill, Kent Ridge Park & ending at West Coast Park. It would be such an exciting experience, walking on high bridges & enjoying the natural surroundings that God has created for our enjoyment. Is anyone game enough to join me?

I thank God for sustaining me,
tsk tsk

going the TCM way

Last Saturday, I went to Singapore Chung Hwa Medical Institution at Toa Payoh to consult a TCM physician, on the recommendation of a friend who is an acupuncture practitioner at the same clinic.

Dr Cheng, a dental surgeon who is now practising TCM, studied my medical reports & helped me to understand my health condition the TCM way. The TCM approach to analysing health issues is completely different from the western approach, so it was a delightful discovery for me. It now makes more sense to me why my body behaves as it does, issues which I have raised with my western-trained doctors but had received no satisfactory answers. At last I understand why I get so easily tired & cold nowadays. I knew all this while something is wrong with my body but I didn’t know what or why. Now I can only hope & pray that TCM is the way to help restore back the health I had lost.

I am not saying that TCM approach is better than the other. I believe that both western & eastern medicine complement each other. I have been doing some research over the internet to learn more about this "east meets west" complementary approach to treating illnesses. Looking at some of the changes taking place in the medical field, I am confident & look forward to the day when western-trained doctors & TCM physicians can work hand-in-hand to offer complementary treatments to cancer patients. Some changes are already taking place in Singapore with some hospitals such as SGH, CGH & Raffles Hospital setting up TCM clinics to complement conventional treatments.

"Western medicine treats the disease (not the person) and standard treatments are drugs, diagnostic procedures, some using equipment, and operations. TCM, on the other hand, treats the person as it regards the patient as a whole being. TCM also uses herbs not drugs and is non- invasive." (Dr Swee YP, the 1st doctor to practise both western & eastern medicine in Singapore).

Dr Swee added, "TCM is all about 'Balance - Yin & Yang'". Yin can be likened to an over alkaline body and Yang, an acidic body. An acidic body is a cancer prone body, so one must always try to have a more alkaline body. This, ideally, means eating a vegetarian diet of fresh organic fruits and vegetables and whole grains."

And what was Dr Cheng's diagnosis of my health? I am deficient in Yin-Yang; I am also deficient in "Qi" (energy), another measure of a body's health. The conclusion is there is a lot to be done to gradually restore my health & build up my body's immunity. Dr Cheng said it’s going to be a long process to restore & replenish what I’ve lost as my body is now very weak, deficient in all the essentials my body needs.

What I dread most is brewing & drinking the bitter-sweet herbs. I am one who dislikes taking medicine, be it drugs or herbs. I tried TCM treatment in 2007 but I stopped after just 4 months because I was very "sick" of the herbs. The smell & taste of herbs made me vomit. Since then, I had hesitated going back to TCM because the thought of taking herbs again frightened me.

Please pray that this time, I can "tahan" the herbs without vomitting. I have to brew the herbs once a day & drink it twice a day (one after breakfast, one after dinner).

thanks for remembering me in your thoughts & prayers,
tsk tsk

hello, what happened to you, huh?

My thousand apologies for not updating this blog for so long. To all my friends & prayer supporters out there, thanks for the gentle reminder that I have not been doing my job. What have I been up to? What has kept me busy? How am I doing? I hope this posting will answer your questions.

My life is more or less back to normal. My job as a remisier cum financial advisor has kept me pretty busy in this current hot stockmarket. My health has improved, mainly because I can now eat any food I want (as long as no chillie). At this time last year, I was still on liquid milk & "sick" of it.....so "sick" that my weight went drastically down to 41kg by May 2007. I now weigh 46-47kg. This was my usual weight before cancer. I am happy to keep to this weight as I don't have to change my wardrobe!

Below is a snapshot of the main events since my last posting on 7 Nov 07.

14 Nov 07 : Liver scan showed a small cyst. It could be the same cyst that was spotted on my liver before I started radiation. Dr Wong said it looked like a harmless bubble or water cyst, just like some people have spots or pimples on their face. She said some people have cysts on their livers without knowing, so not to worry about it. So what next? To do ultrasound in a year's time.

1 Dec 07 : Attended a church friend's 60th birthday party. It was organised with the theme "Back in the 1960's". Everyone was expected to come dressed in the 1960's outfit! And the songs played & sung that night were the 1960's hits ..... one favourite oldie was Theresa Teng's "Yueliang DaiBiao Wode Xin".

5 Dec 07 : Someone at the above party told me that Qigong was a good health-maintenance exercise for cancer survivors. So this morning, I followed this couple to Pierce Reservoir. But we ended up doing normal stretching exercise as the Qigong master did not come. I need to do more research on Qigong as I do not know if there are aspects of Qigong that are not biblical.

10 Dec 07 : Met up with my former Imperial College classmates for lunch - Alex & Siok Peng. Believe it or not, we had probably not met for the last 10 years or so, although the 3 of us are in Singapore. Imperial College had its anniversary celebration here recently but I didn't go. My former lecturer-cum-supervisor, Anne Benjamin flew in but I didn't get to meet her, although we did have a brief chat over the phone (Anne, if you are reading this, do contact me again the next time you come to Spore).

13 Dec 07 : Appointment with dermatalogist. My skin has become ultra-sensitive to chemicals. My right thumb & thumbnail are badly affected. Henceforth, need to wear gloves to do housework to avoid direct contact with chemicals. Unrelated to my skin problem, I can still feel electric current running down my right arm from time to time, although less frequently now after I started taking Vit B12 complex. My left thumb feels numb & painful occasionally. These are some of the changes taking place in my body which I'm getting used to. It's part of the late & long-term side effects of radiation.

15 Dec 07 : Attended Christmas party held by NCC for cancer survivors (NCC = National Cancer Centre). Good fun, good food, good prizes, big crowd. It was good to see so many cancer survivors coming to enjoy themselves. All my life, I was never "lucky" in winning lucky-draw prizes. In the past, I had attended functions such as company D&D; everyone at my table would win a prize except yours truly. But at the NCC Christmas party, I won 2 prizes! There were 88 prizes. I won the 66th & 8th prizes. How come I won 2 prizes? For the top 10 prizes, everyone's names were thrown in for a re-draw, which meant some survivors would have a chance to win a 2nd prize. I was one of them! Someone commented my "luck" had turned around for the better. But as a Christian, I don't believe in "luck". I believe that God is sovereign & is in full control of my life. Nothing in my life happens by chance or "luck".

Nov-Dec 07 : I had also been busy experimenting with cooking & baking. I would most likely be hosting CNY reunion dinner again next year, so I need to plan my CNY menu now. Besides my signature chocolate pudding cake, people love my pandan kaya cake. Friends would get invited to taste some of these yummy dishes & cakes on one condition - don't ask or pester me for secret recipes! Just eat & enjoy!

I hope to post my last thoughts for 2007 before the year is out.

thanks for walking with me through 2007,
tsk tsk

early morning exercise

Today I revived my early morning walks with Lily Phoen. It has been more than a year since I had one. Lily & I normally go for early morning walks during her school holiday break.

This morning, we took a brisk walk to Xiao Guiling, walked one round on the tracks of Bukit Gombak stadium then walked back to my residence. It took about one hour. Half-way walking, I did feel slightly giddy. Not sure if it was because of the hot weather or because I was hungry or because my body is still not ready for exercise. When we were reaching my residence, the rain started to pour. Good thing I always bring an umbrella with me whenever I go out. It has become a habit. I cannot leave home without one.

In the past, we used to walk to the nearby Bukit Batok Nature Park. This is a beautiful park with many kinds of plants, trees & humming birds. We had stopped going to this Park since that time when we met some monkeys along the way --- it was frightening as the monkeys seemed quite aggressive. We managed to turn back without being harmed. Lily had reported this to the Nature Park Board. We have never been back to the Park since. I wonder if the monkeys are still there.

thanks for reading this blog,
tsk tsk

nose infection

I had my two-monthly ENT consultation this morning. Dr V Tay attended to me. She told me I had nose infection & prescribed Oxazoline nasal drop & Co-amoxiclav, an antibiotic. I was reminded to be vigilant in washing my nose with a nasal pump at least twice a day for the rest of my life to avoid nose infection. This is a daily routine I dislike as I do not like the feel of water running through my nostrils & down my throat. It takes a lot of adjusting to. For a person who is not a water-lover, it's a procedure I don't look forward to doing each day. But now it looks like I have no choice if I don't wish my nasal passage to suffer from congestion & infection problems.

thanks for journeying with me,
tsk tsk

hooray......I'm now 44kg!

It's common nowadays to hear people lament, "Aiyah, I'm so heavy. How I wished I could lose weight!" It seems most people have trouble losing weight. I seem to belong to the "fortunate" few who can eat & eat but never put on weight! For me, putting on weight is a great challenge. It's more difficult than studying for an exam!

Before I had cancer, my normal weight was around 46-47kg. But on the week before I commenced radiotherapy, I ate & ate until I gained 4kg to 50kg, on the wise advice of my oncologist as I was deemed to be too thin. Weight does play an important part when your body has to fight against a great enemy called cancer. You will then need all the ammunition to win the battle.

I now weigh 44kg, a gain of 2kg since May. I credit it to my better appetite & eating. For the past one month, I was able to eat more solid food such as rice & meat. I think meat (chicken, pork, beef) helps me to put on weight. Some people advise against taking meat which is believed to be cancer-causing. But then last time I seldom took meat but I still ended up with cancer.......so? I don't believe in this theory anymore. As what most doctors would say, "Eat everything in moderation."

My objective now is to put back the weight I have lost, so I will eat anything that will help me to gain weight. The problem lies with my mouth -- my mouth is the one which decides if I can eat or not. My target is 47kg.......which means I have 3kg more to go.

thanks for journeying with me,
tsk tsk

Life after cancer

Some of you who had spoken to me in the mornings had always asked, "You have a sore throat?" My usual reply : "No, I don't have a sore throat. But my throat is sore every morning."

Life is different after cancer. There are new adaptations. I call it a new life. A new chapter in my life.

What are the new challenges? I have to learn to adapt to some physical changes in my body as a result of radiation. During my cancer treatment, I was exposed to high dosage of radiation on my face/neck area. Every day for 33 sessions, I went through 20-30 minutes of radiation. Although radiation is known to be effective in killing cancer cells, especially for nose cancer, it has negative side effects, short- and long-term. The radiation I received had damaged my organs, tissues & nerves - some of these might heal over time, some might not.

These side effects have posed new challenges to my daily life. This means having to cope with ENT (Ear, Nose, Throat) problems - this includes sore throat (esp in the morning), phlegmy mucus in the nose & echoing in my left ear. I still have tinnitus (ringing sound) in my left ear. I also have dry mouth, a common side effect for nose cancer survivors, due to lack of saliva. The lack of saliva has also caused my teeth to be extra-sensitive to bacteria attack & my tongue burns when it comes into contact with anything that is minty, spicy & acidic.

How do I cope with all these challenges? Yes, cancer has affected & changed the way I live my life. It has brought an element of uncertainty into my life as I do not know what problems I might encounter each day when I wake up. Adapting to changes in one's life can be a frustrating experience. But life must go on. Life is simply too short to waste time on non-essential things like feeling sorry for oneself, groaning & whining about life being unfair, & so on. What for be so negative, right? Just learn to accept the challenges & move on. Adapt & learn to live with the changes. In fact, the challenges have now become a new way of life for me -- a new daily routine.
But most important, "give thanks in all circumstances, for this is God's will for you in Christ Jesus" (1 Thess 5:18). Yes, I am thankful to God for giving me a new lease of life. I am thankful I'm still alive. I feel like I have been resurrected from the dead. My life might have changed but God has never changed. He is the same yesterday, today & forever. I still remember God's promise to me on the day I discovered I had cancer : "My flesh & my heart may fail, but God is the strength of my heart & my portion forever" (Psalm 73:26).

Note : Thanks, Peggy. This posting is a result of your suggestion that I write something about my new challenges to encourage others who are going through the traumas of life.

thanks for journeying with me,
tsk tsk

char kway teow & wantan mee

I decided not to cook today but to eat out for both meals. I wanted to experiment with food. I went to the food centre at Bukit Batok Central for my lunch. A new stall selling char kway teow caught my eyes. It had been more than a year since I last took a plate of char kway teow so I decided to go for it. While waiting for the food, I wondered, "Will I be able to eat it? Will I be able to swallow it without any problem?" To my amazement, I finished the whole plate of char kway teow without the need to sip water! Wow....that was a great improvement!

Encouraged by this, I went to the other food centre at BB East Ave 4 after an evening stroll. I looked around & decided to take away wantan mee for dinner. I was surprised I could take that too without a sip of water! Eh, what's happening to my mouth all of a sudden? I seemed to be able to eat solid food which was a no-no weeks & months ago and what more, without the need to sip water!

Lord, thank You for the little little improvements You give me each day. Thank You for helping me to move from liquid to semi-solid to solid food. Thank You for enabling me to eat more & more and better & better each day. Thank You for seeing me through these last 6 months. I will continue to trust You to see me through the coming months.

thanks for journeying with me,
tsk tsk

still 43kg but can eat better now

The 4-weeks mid-year school break started this week. The same goes for BSF. But BSF break is one week longer. After teaching for the past 16 weeks, this was a long-awaited breather. I think God had made us in such a way that we need to recharge our batteries. Our bodies need a break from work.

My schedule is quite full for the first 2 weeks. On Tue (29 May), I went to do a mammogram & ultra-sound at SGH. This is an annual routine. The doctor will review the results with me on 15 Jun. I don't think I have the mental strength to take another health blow, so please pray with me that there will be no bad news.

On Wed (30 May) morning, I went back to see my dentist to follow-up on my teeth. In the afternoon, I had an appointment with a nutritionist recommended by a friend. It was just a casual discussion on food nutrition. Nothing much came out of it. There is nothing new that I do not already know.

Thurs (31 May) was Vesak public holiday. I normally reward myself by sleeping longer on public holidays.....woke up at 10am. A full day of rest? No such luxury as I had asked my sister & her family to come over for dinner. I had planned to serve them Thai cuisine. That was why I was so busy running about the last few days buying all the necessary stuff. When I woke up, I noticed an sms message from Yong Foon (from my DG). She said she had cooked fish porridge & would be bringing it over for my lunch. How sweet of her! It was so timely as I was then wondering what to eat for lunch. And I had no time to cook lunch as I had to start preparing the ingredients. God is so good. He always sees to my needs. I spent the whole afternoon cooking. What is most satisfying to me is to see people enjoying the food so much they want more! You feeling hungry already, right? I wished I could invite all of you over.

This was the 2nd time I cooked a feast for my family. The 1st time was on CNY eve (17 Feb) when I cooked Reunion dinner. At that time, I could only sit at a corner & see my family enjoy the food I cooked. I was so hungry then but I couldn't take a bite. I could only drink soup. Sounds so pitiful, right? But this time, it was so different -- I could join in the makan. I give thanks to God for the small improvements I experience each day. I can now eat more & better. It has been some 7 months since the end of radiation. I have experienced God's goodness, grace & power in my life. All glory be to God!

thanks for journeying with me,
tsk tsk

Me, a bogeh?

My teeth seem to be rotting silently without any warning......oh tolong-tolong, I don't want to become a "bogeh" (a person without teeth)!

That was how I cried out to my dental surgeon, Dr Un when I went to see her this morning. After checking my teeth, she told me the middle row of teeth on my lower jaw were loose & the enamel was getting soft & chipping off bit by bit. Dr Un did the best she could to repair my teeth by filling up the cavities. I was advised to use a tooth mousse a few times a day to protect my teeth. As far as possible, I must also try not to use the front teeth to bite food so as not to impede the healing process.

Eating is already a struggle for me & now I must be careful not to use my front teeth. See how challenging my life can be?

thanks for journeying with me,
tsk tsk

As light as a feather......at 42kg

I had my two-monthly consultation with my oncologist Dr Wee today.

As usual, loss of weight is my greatest problem. I now weigh 42.1 kg. To date, I have lost 8 kg since I started radiation in Sep 2006. Dr Wee recommended me a new drink called "Fortisip", a high energy & nutritionally complete milkshake-style supplement drink. Maintaining good health is important in cancer recovery so please pray with me that I will be able to take to this drink without feeling nausea or yakky, & that I will stop losing weight.

Besides my weight, I have a mucus problem. Dr Wee said this is a side effect of radiation. Having sore throat every morning is also another side effect. He advised me to drink water whenever I wake up at night. I also notice that my teeth on the lower jaw are decaying. I will be seeing my dentist on Monday. It's quite frightening to see all these things happening 6 months after radiation.

thanks for journeying with me,
tsk tsk

How am I doing 6 months after cancer treatment?

It's almost 6 months since I completed my radiation treatment on 30 Oct 2006. In the language of cancer patients, I am a "six-month-old cancer survivor". Compared to 6 months ago, my condition has definitely improved many times except for my weight which has gone down from 47.5kg (22 Jan) to 42.8kg (18 Apr), a drop of 4.7kg or about 10 pounds. My weight remains my biggest challenge & concern.

My saliva is back about 50%, although not sufficient to enable me to eat solid food. But that is a great improvement compared to 6 months ago when I could only take liquid food, Novasource. I am thankful to God for the little improvements each day although it is human to wish that things could move a bit faster! The day I could begin to take chicken rice or beef rendang would indeed be a day for celebration.

Follow-up consultation is a must after cancer treatment. I see the oncologist once every 2 months, ENT specialist once every 3 months & TCM physician once every 2-3 weeks. Cancer treatment may take only 2 months but recovery may take many months.

Last Wed (18 Apr) was my ENT appointment. Lately, I had been experiencing occasional echoing in my left ear. According to Dr Tham, there is some water in the ear & this could have caused the echo. Since this echoing problem does not happen all the time, I will just leave it alone for the time being & learn to live with it, just like I've learned to live with the ringing sound (tinnitus) in my left ear since Jun 2006.

There are permanent side effects of radiation that NPC survivors have to learn to live with. From the talks that I've attended, I learn that late side effects might occur months or even years after radiation. They are :

* oral complications
* ear & eye complications
* swallowing problems
* pituitary problems
* neck stiffness & ache
* numbness of hands, neck, face
* loss of sense of smell
* radiation-induced cancers

Knowing this will not instil fear in me for I know that God is my Creator who "created my inmost being & knit me together in my mother's womb" (Psalm 139:13). My Creator God is the One who knows & understands my body more than even the best doctor. Shouid my body fail to function normally or should there be any defective parts, I trust my Heavenly Father will know what to do. Father knows best. "My flesh & my heart may fail, but God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever" (Psalm 73:26).

I was reading 2 Corinthians 1:3-11 during my Quiet time this morning & Apostle Paul's testimony about the hardships he suffered encouraged me :

"We were under great pressure, far beyond our ability to endure, so that we despaired even of life. Indeed, in our hearts, we felt the sentence of death. But this happened that we might not rely on ourselves but on God, who raised the dead. He has delivered us from such a deadly peril, and He will deliver us. On Him we have set our hope that He will continue to deliver us, as you help us by your prayers."

Yes, the problems I am facing are far beyond my ability to endure so that I despair even of life. Indeed, in my heart, I sometimes feel as if I were sentenced to death. But this happened that I might not rely on myself but on God. God has delivered me from the deadly disease of cancer, and He will deliver me. On Him I have set my hope that He will continue to deliver me, as you, my brothers & sisters in Christ help me by your prayers.

thanks for journeying with me,
tsk tsk

I need your prayers, not solutions

There is some progress since my last posting. First, I've not lost anymore weight. I now weigh 44.1kg, a gain of a mere 200g in 3 weeks! My target is 47kg. Second, I can now eat rice but it must go with soup. Eating rice alone is too dry & hard to swallow. Meat & chicken are still no-no as it is hard to bite & chew. Cod or salmon fish, steamed egg, tofu, potatoes, pumpkin are some of the soft dishes I can take with porridge or rice-in-soup.

It has been some 5 months since the end of radiation. Some saliva has returned although not to its pre-cancer level yet. Thus eating solid food is still a problem. Many of us take our saliva for granted but it is our saliva that helps us to bite, chew & swallow food. The enzymes in the saliva help to break down the food to enable us to swallow the food easily. The saliva also helps to protect our teeth from dental decay & our mouth from infection. So the next time you eat, give thanks to God for your saliva.

Some of you have given me suggestions & solutions to help me gain weight & I will like to thank you for your concerns & good intentions. But most of your solutions are not workable as you think you understand the problem but actually you do not. Most of you do not know about a condition known as xerostomia (dry mouth) which is caused by lack of saliva in the mouth. Xerostomia is one of the side-effects of radiation (for NPC cases). I do not expect you to understand my problem unless you are an NPC survivor who has gone through what I am going through. No amount of explanation will help either as I think it's quite diffficult for you to imagine a "no-saliva" situation unless you have suffered from xerostomia before.

What I need most at this time is not solutions but prayers. A listening ear & an assuring "I will remember you in my prayers" will be sufficient. Pray that my salivary glands will be completely healed so that my saliva will return to normal. The road to recovery is a pretty lonely one as I hardly meet anyone along the way who truly understands my daily struggles & problems. So your prayers will lift up my spirit.

thanks for journeying with me.
tsk tsk

What, I weigh only 43.9 kg?

I had my two-monthly consultation with my oncologist on Monday. Yes, I lost 3.6kg in 2 months. I couldn't believe my eyes & weighed again a second time. There it was, the figures said so clearly : 43.9 kg. The weighing machine at the National Cancer Centre should be reliably accurate, right? I weighed 47.5kg just 2 months ago. I know I had lost weight, but so much? I had not been weighing myself because the weighing scale at home broke down -- maybe I was so thin the scale couldn't move!

Jokes aside, I'm genuinely concerned. I've been losing weight since Chinese New Year. I knew I was losing weight when my skirts, pants & shorts don't seem to fit me as well as before. But now things seem to look more hopeful as I'm able to take hokkien porridge with soft dishes; but looks like they are not sufficient in replenishing my lost weight. Somehow, porridge does not give me a "full" feeling like rice. Very often, I will feel hungry again not long after I've eaten. I need to take 3-5 meals a day depending on my activities during the day. Actually, I'm more a rice or "png" person & I really miss eating rice. How I dream of the day when I can start eating rice again........

thanks for journeying with me,
tsk tsk

One week school break

The long-awaited school break was here at last. I had been waiting for this break not only because I needed a "breather" after teaching in the BSF School program for the last 6 weeks, but also because I needed to do some "spring-cleaning". I moved into my new home late 2005 but before I could even complete unpacking all my stuff, I suffered from tinnitus on my left ear which later developed into ear blockage in July 2006. And in Aug 2006, the biopsy result confirmed a tumour behind my nose which apparently caused the ear blockage problem. Thus began my 3-month battle against nose cancer.

How time flies. Nine months have passed since my ear problem first surfaced. And I am recovering so well that I felt I was fit & strong enough to finish my uncompleted job. Spring-cleaning is never a pleasant task. To me, the most difficult thing to do is to throw away things that have "sentimental value". I kept reminding myself I must learn to live with less, I must learn to "let go", I must learn to keep only the essentials for lack of storage space. Yes, there are many things I still need to learn. Earthly things will come & go; but the things of God will last forever. I must focus on doing things that have eternal value -- such as walking with God, spending time with God, and serving God. One of my favourite verses in the Bible is Genesis 5:22 - "Enoch walked with God 300 years". I pray that I too will walk with God all the days of my life.

thanks for journeying with me,
tsk tsk

Finally, I am able to eat soft food

I know, I know......this blog has been silent for a long time, right?

I was partly busy and partly........well, feeling low. You know, that kind of feeling when you just don't feel like doing anything at all? When I finally sat down to reflect on my feelings, I found out that deep inside me, I was getting frustrated with food. I had been losing weight the past few weeks as I was getting quite "sick" of Novasource. I have been drinking Novasource "milk" since Oct 2006. Instead of the recommended 3 packets a day, I was drinking only 1 or 1.5 packets a day. And I was not taking other food as I was still unable to eat. So, how not to lose weight, right?

The Lord must have seen my frustrations & silent tears as I struggled with what to eat each day. I seemed to have little choice as every food I tried stuck on my palate for lack of saliva. I cried in desperation. I had begun to "vomit" at the sight & smell of Novasource. What should I do? There were many times I felt so hungry I thought I might die of starvation. I didn't talk about my struggle with anyone as I presumed no one would understand.

The Lord finally came to my rescue. On Fri 2 Mar, I was so hungry I told myself I must try to eat congee or porridge again. It didn't work previously, but somehow that day, I was surprised I was able to swallow the congee without the rice sticking to my palate. I finished the bowl of congee with tears in my eyes. It was my first proper meal since Sep 2006! I was overwhelmed by the Lord's love for me. As in previous times, God would intervene when I reached my crisis point. He is most powerful when I am weakest. Thank You, Lord for Your faithfulness!

One week later, I tried taking hokkien porridge ("beh"/"moi") with soft dishes like tofu, steamed egg & potatoes. I was so happy I was able to take that too! I could feel that my mouth is improving; it's getting less dry than before. I have been brewing & drinking TCM herbs for the last 2 months. I think my mouth is beginning to gain back some saliva. The other good news is I am putting on some weight!

thanks for journeying with me,
tsk tsk

Late side effects of RT

I attended the NPC support group meeting last Friday. The talk was given by Dr Tham, an ENT specialist, on "Coping with the side effects of radiotherapy". Although I am an NPC survivor, I still have much to learn about nasopharyngeal cancer (NPC) or nose cancer. Most of the time, we patients don't get much info from our oncologists due to the very tight consultation time. So attending talks like this & meeting fellow survivors are very helpful.

This is something new I learn from the talk -- late side effects of RT could surface 3 months after the end of RT & even beyond. They include : oral complications, swallowing problems, ear complications, eye complications, radiation induced cancers & pituitary problems. This information is very useful as it helps me to be better prepared should such side effects occur later in life. It also provides useful advice on what I could do now to prevent or minimise the side effects.

I am praying against all these side effects in the Lord's name. I will continue to trust the Lord all the way, that He will heal & restore me completely.

thanks for journeying with me,
tsk tsk