not another cancer scare?

At 2.43pm today, I received a surprise call from my gynae's nurse. Nobody likes to receive phone calls from his or her doctor. Doctors normally call only when there is bad news.

So I prepared my heart for bad news. My mind immediately turned to the tumour markers I did last Thurday to test for ovarian cancer. My gynae mentioned they would call me if the tests showed bad results; otherwise my next visit would be in 3 months.

The nurse told me my gynae would like to see me in early July instead of August. I asked her why. She replied, "The tumour markers showed very high reading so it is of much concern." I asked, "If it is so urgent, then why not I come in this week?" The nurse said, "It's not that urgent but your gynae suggests you come back in early July." So we fixed the appointment for 3 July 2008.

I pray that it wouldn't be another cancer scare. I had a scare in March when my lung report suspected lung metastasis (meaning, cancer was suspected to have spread to the lungs). But the PET scan I did showed there was no sign of cancer in my lungs.

"Lord, my flesh & my heart may fail, but You are the strength of my heart and my portion forever."

tsk tsk

my story (6)

my journey with pain

I have high tolerance for suffering but low tolerance for pain. Does this sound contradictory? I don't think so.

Before cancer, my worst "suffering" was during those years in London when I had to work part-time in the evenings & weekends, and held down 4 jobs during the summer vacation just to support myself through university. My chauvinistic father had refused to sponsor this daughter of his so I had to find my own ways & means. I was only 18 when I left for London. It was suffering to me because it was not easy to study & work at the same time. And believe it or not, I still managed to find the strength & time to teach in Sunday School! I experienced God as my Jehovah-Jireh during my 5 years in London. Well, this is another story which I will tell another time.

I am one who can't tolerate physical pain. I would tense up & close my eyes each time I go for blood tests. I would often ask, "Is it painful?" each time I go for tests & investigations. When I learned I had cancer, the first thing that came to my mind was pain. I must say I was scared. I was scared of pain. I had seen with my own eyes how my late sister went through cancer in great agony & pain. I had been praying silently for years that I would never have to follow in my sister's footsteps. But God thinks otherwise. God has willed that I should go through the dark valley of cancer to experience His love, mercy, grace & power.

Most nose cancer patients would experience the following side-effects of radiation but to varying degrees. I am recording this personal story in the hope that it will prepare those who are about to begin this same journey. May God be your strength & comfort.

Dry mouth. My mouth became very dry because radiation had destroyed my salivary glands. I will have to live with this dry mouth effect, medically known as xerostomia, all my life. With little saliva in my mouth, I began to experience problems with eating & talking. My teeth also began to decay.

Ulcers. By Week 2 ulcers began to appear in my mouth. The ulcers soon multiplied to hundreds all over my mouth & throat and were extremely painful. It was difficult to eat, drink, swallow & talk. It was torturous. It was nightmarish.

Saliva. My saliva became thick & phlegmy like glue. By Week 3, my salivary glands had been bombed so badly by radiation that saliva was flowing out of my mouth 24/7 non-stop! The saliva was so thick it was impossible to swallow. I had to spit it out all the time. I couldn't eat, talk & sleep. It was worst than a nightmare. It was like I was being put through a torture chamber.

Feeding Tube. By the end of Week 3, I was totally unable to eat or drink through the mouth. My mouth & throat were so painful with ulcers. My oncologist asked me to come down immediately to have a feeding tube inserted to my stomach through the nose. Previously, I had noticed an old man with a feeding tube. I never expected I would end up with one myself. I looked like a monster. It affected my self-esteem. I felt so low & lousy I cried. I never knew I would be reduced to such a state. I stopped going to church.

Nausea. By Week 4, I felt very sick. I kept throwing out. On 7 Oct 2006, I was vomitting so badly the feeding tube came off my throat! One of my "emergency 911" angels rushed me to SGH. I was immediately warded for acute dehydration.

Hospitalisation. I was warded for a week. I felt so miserable as I struggled with pain & nausea. One night, the valley seemed to have turned so dark, I felt I couldn't carry on anymore. I cried & cried to the Lord. God heard my cry. I was able to sleep that night. The next morning, I surprised everyone when I could take breakfast for the first time without vomitting!

Constipation. After I was discharged, I had bowel problems probably due to eating problems & effects of medication. On 18 Oct 2006, I was re-admitted to SGH for acute constipation.

Re-Hospitalisation. I was warded for another week. My suffering continued, this time with the added problem of constipation. The ward doctor re-inserted the feeding tube to enable me to take liquid milk as I was losing a lot of weight. Once again, I looked like a monster. I completed my radiotherapy 4 days after I was discharged. But I was on feeding tube for one month as the ulcers took a long time to heal.

The Bible says that all things work for our good (Romans 8:28) although many times we don't see how they could. I do not know or understand why God should "choose" me to go through such suffering & pain. But one thing I know, no matter how painful the journey, I will trust my loving Father all the way. This is because I know that God is too wise to make mistakes; God is too good to make me suffer for no reason or purpose.

Lesson : God's grace is sufficient & His power is made perfect in our weakness.
Someone once said, "The Spirit of God will not lead a man where the grace of God cannot keep him." God has promised His grace is always sufficient when we are weak. Paul said, "That is why for Christ's sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong." (2 Cor 12:10)

Application : How will you praise & thank God in the midst of your suffering & pain?

thanks for joining me in this painful journey of the past,
tsk tsk

my story (5)

the gift of pain

Pain is a gift from God. But it is a gift nobody wants. Who likes pain? Who asks God for pain? No one. But pain is so essential to life. Pain is an indicator that lets us know something is wrong.

Dr Paul Brand, a world-renowned leprosy specialist, said, "Pain has a value that becomes clearest in its absence." Take a look at lepers. Lepers do not have the sensation of pain. They don't feel any pain even if they touch a hot stove or boiling water. As a result, they gradually lose their limbs & wither away.

Someone once asked me, "Is cancer painful?" Cancer is painless in the sense that I never felt any pain when the tumour was quietly & happily growing behind my nose without my knowing. I did not even experience any external symptom such as nose bleed or sinus.

Radiation is also painless; it's like taking x-rays but with a stronger dose. The radiation rays are so powerful they destroy not only the bad cancer cells but also all the surrounding good organs & tissues. As a result, radiation causes many side-effects & after-effects. The side-effects of radiation are immediate & excruciatingly painful.

What were some of the pains I had experienced as a cancer sufferer? See the next instalment ....... akan datang.

Lesson : God can use pain & suffering for our good & for His glory.
The Lord Jesus understands our suffering as He has suffered more than anyone of us. As our Great High Priest, Jesus is able to sympathise with those who are suffering (Hebrews 4:15). Our loving God allows pain & suffering to come into our lives for our good & for His glory (Romans 8:28-30). And God will not allow us to suffer more than we can bear (1 Cor 10:13).

Application : What pain are you going through right now? How will you trust God to use your pain & suffering for His glory?

thanks for joining me in this memorable journey into the past,
tsk tsk

"Tempur" magic pillow

Do you experience pain & aches on your neck & shoulders? I do. And the radiotherapy treatment I received in 2006 worsened my condition. I ended up with stiff neck.

The acupuncture I received was quite effective in relieving the pain & aches. But somehow the relief wears off & I would need to go back for some more acupuncture.

Then Irene Tan, my "emergency angel" came to my rescue. She read about my neck problem on this blog & emailed to tell me about how "Tempur" pillow saved her from a critical neck problem some years back. Her story convinced me. So off I went to look for this magic pillow.

It was such good timing for the Great Singapore Sale (GSS) is now on. I bought the pillow at Robinsons at a 10% GSS discount (with a further 5% discount for Robinsons cardholder). The pillow works like magic. Believe it or not, my neck pain & aches disappeared the first night I slept on it. It's simply amazing! This Tempur pillow is so effective. I now wake up each morning without any neck pain & aches. It looks like I won't need to go for acupuncture from now on.

p/s : Prices before 10% discount. Medium-size = $279. Large-size = $299. There is a 3-year warranty. Beware of fakes or copycats in the market. The genuine Tempur pillow is sold only at established departmental stores like Robinsons, Takashimaya, OG & Tangs. To know more about this magic pillow, please go to http://www.tempur.com.sg/.

Lord, thank You that now I can sleep soundly every night.

tsk tsk

fibroids & tumour markers

If I had not done the PET scan in March, I would not have known there were 5 "babies" (fibroids) sitting in my womb. With God, nothing happens by chance or coincidence. God will lead us to know what He wants us to know when He wants us to know.

This morning I had my 2nd follow-up consultation at O&G, SGH. As usual, I did a womb ultrasound. The results showed the 5 "babies" were still there but had not grown larger; in a sense, this was "good news". The report also revealed a 3cm cyst on the right ovary. As the cyst was less than 5cm, there was no need to take any action now.

But as an added precaution, my gynae arranged for me to do blood tests on the following tumour markers : AFP (alpha foeto protein), CEA (carcino-embryonic antigen) & CA-125. These tumour markers are used to monitor the presence of cancer in the liver, colon & ovary respectively. I thought there was no harm in doing more tests. I would know the results in my next follow-up visit in August.

In the afternoon, a few of us met at Irene's home for tea fellowship. Irene had just returned from a cruise holiday & will be returning to her other home in KL next week. PS, my previous cancer manager, will be leaving for her missions trip to East Timor next week too. And Ruby looks refreshed after her recent church camp in Melaka. These lovely ladies from BSF had walked with me in my journey through cancer. They are my angels, my pillars of support.

I don't have a family in Singapore but God gives me friends who stand by me through thick & thin. They are my spiritual family.

thank You, Lord.
tsk tsk

It's in the valleys that I grow

poem by : Jane Eggleston

Sometimes life seems hard to bear,
Full of sorrow, trouble and woe
It's then I have to remember
That it's in the valleys that I grow.

If I always stayed on the mountaintop
And never experienced pain,
I would never appreciate God's love
And would be living in vain.

I have so much to learn
And my growth is very slow,
Sometimes I need the mountaintops,
But it's in the valleys that I grow.

I do not always understand
Why things happen as they do,
But I am very sure of one thing.
My Lord will see me through.

My little valleys are nothing
When I picture Christ on the cross
He went through the valley of death;
His victory was Satan's loss.

Forgive me Lord, for complaining
When I'm feeling so very low.
Just give me a gentle reminder
That it's in the valleys that I grow.

Continue to strengthen me, Lord
And use my life each day
To share your love with others
And help them find their way.

Thank you for the valleys, Lord
For this one thing I know
The mountaintops are glorious
But it's in the valleys that I grow!

my story (4)

journey into the unknown

After a weary night, I was spiritually & mentally prepared to take on the journey into the unknown. What is the cancer world like? What will be awaiting me there? Will I be able to cope with the pain & suffering? Will I survive the journey & come out of it alive? A journey into the unknown is a scary thought for no one knows what to expect on the other side.

I chose to be treated at the National Cancer Centre, SGH. I had my 1st consultation with the oncologist on 21 Aug 2006. The MRI scan confirmed I had Stage T2N0 nasopharyngeal cancer (NPC), commonly known as nose cancer ("T2N0" means stage 2 cancer with no spread to the lymph nodes). The 2.4 cm tumour was located behind my nose, on the left side. The tumour caused some deafness on my left ear. As Stage 2 NPC was treatable by radiotherapy, my oncologist scheduled me for 33 sessions of radiation from 12 Sep to 30 Oct 2006, lasting about 7 weeks.

My oncologist explained there were 2 types of radiation machines : the old machine which had been in use for the past 30 years, and a newer technology called IMRT (Intensity Modulated Radiation Therapy) which had been in use for only 5 years. Both had pros & cons, but I finally opted for IMRT. I simply trusted God that He had guided me to make the right decision as there was little time to think & I was required to sign the agreement on the spot.

I had to undergo several tests & investigations before radiation began. This was a standard procedure for all new cancer patients to ascertain if cancer had spread to other parts of the body. I had a little scare when a thyroid nodule was picked up by the MRI scan. But the fine needle aspiration biopsy (FNAB) later confirmed the nodule was benign, so my radiotherapy sessions went ahead as scheduled.

I was also required to go for a full dental check-up. This was necessary as any bad or unused tooth must be repaired or extracted before radiation began. I was told that no tooth extraction would be allowed for at least 8 years after radiation due to the threat of infection & blood clotting problems. Radiation not only kills cancer cells but it also destroys or damages all organs on the head & neck including the mouth & teeth.

The journey into the unknown was a bumpy ride which led me through dark valleys. It was the most painful journey in my life.......next instalment akan datang.

Lesson : God will carry us through the dark valleys in our lives.
Our journey through life will take us over the mountains & through the valleys. Our mountaintop experiences are times when our days are bright because the sun is shining above the clouds. Our valley experiences are times when our days are filled with troubles & trials & tribulations. But God made both the mountains & the valleys. Our God is God of the mountains and God of the valleys.

Application : Have you received some bad news that is troubling you? How are you trusting God to carry you through this dark valley?

thanks for joining me in this memorable journey into the past,
tsk tsk

my story (3)

my loneliest night

I came home to a very quiet & lonely apartment. There was no one I could talk to. Lord, where are You?

Tears rolled down my face. I felt so lost & lonely. I tried to make sense of what was happening. I couldn't believe I had succumbed to the very illness I had worked so hard to avoid all these years. I had seen how my late sister had struggled & suffered when she had breast cancer 18 years ago. Haven't I followed the healthy lifestyle as prescribed by health books? Then how come I still have cancer? What has gone wrong? What stage is my cancer? Will I die? How long more can I live? What should I do now? There were so many questions but no answers.

I knelt down beside my bed in desperation. I cried out to the Lord. I questioned, I pleaded, I implored. I told God I was scared. I prayed, "Lord, I don't know what to do but my eyes are on You." I was on my knees for hours, with my Bible before me. I didn't sleep the whole night. I could sense the Lord's presence in my loneliest moments. God saw my anguish, my pain, my fears. I asked the Lord for a Bible verse to assure me He would be with me all the way. I opened my Bible & this verse caught my eyes :

"My flesh and my heart may fail,
but God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever." (Psalm 73:26)

God spoke to me. I heard Him. God had given me His word. God promised He would be my Strength & my Portion forever. That was sufficient. That was all I needed to know - that God was with me & I was not alone. God's words gave me comfort. God's words gave me assurance. God's words gave me hope against all hope. I ended my prayer, "Lord, no matter how hard or uncertain the journey, I know I can trust You all the way."

I lifted myself up. I felt much strengthened. I was ready to begin my journey with cancer. God had assured me He would fight this battle for me. This battle belonged to God. The battle would be fought not in my strength, but in His strength. If God is with me, what do I fear? The words of the psalmist came to my mind, "When I am afraid, I will trust in You......in God I trust; I will not be afraid. What can 'cancer' do to me?" (Psalm 56:3-4)

I spent the wee hours of the morning sending emails to all my contacts. Although tired & hungry, I felt I was ready for the battle ahead of me. God had strengthened me. God had comforted me. God had assured me. I was confident I would win the battle against cancer in the Lord's strength. God is Sovereign & is in full control of my life. I submitted myself to the Lord's will.

The journey into the unknown had just begun. The worst was yet to come. In the coming weeks & months, I suffered the most agonising pain in my life.

............. to be continued in the next instalment.

Lesson : God is strong when we are weak.
When we are at the lowest point in our life, only God's strength is sufficient to sustain us. God is strongest when we are weakest.

Application : What will you do when your burden is so heavy you feel you can't carry on anymore?

thanks for joining me in this memorable journey into the past,
tsk tsk

my story (2)

"What? Nose cancer?"

In early July 2006, after less than 2 weeks of swimming lessons, my left ear developed an unusual ringing sound. I stopped my swimming lesson immediately.

I had a strange feeling something was wrong with my left ear. Maybe water had gone into my ear & it should clear, I thought. When it didn't get better, I went to consult a doctor who prescribed ear drops for infection. But my left ear not only grew worse, it was now blocked. I couldn't hear clearly. I became very concerned. I was referred to an ENT specialist at a public hospital. A biopsy was done on 8 Aug 2006. The result confirmed a malignant tumour behind the nose. I was told I had nose cancer.

The news came as a shock to me. It had started as an innocent ringing sound on my left ear. How could it turn out to be cancer? How could a small problem turn out to be so serious? It just didn't make sense to me. Everything was fine just one month ago. How could things change so fast within a month? I never had problems with my nose before -- no bleeding, no sinus, no running nose. How could I possibly have nose cancer? If it had been breast cancer, I think I would have believed it more easily as my sister had breast cancer. But nose cancer? I wished it was all a dream but it was not. The report was right before me. I had been diagnosed with nose cancer.

I was very calm when the ENT doctor broke the devastating news to me. I was too shocked to cry. But the doctor had tears in her eyes. She probably felt guilty as she knew that her ENT team had failed to do a proper diagnosis of my ear problem. They had time & time again dismissed my fears as unfounded. They kept telling me my ear problem was a "common problem for people your age". It was only after I had made a lot of noise & insisted on more tests to be done that a biopsy was finally performed. And the biopsy result was something they had never expected.

When I came out of the doctor's room, I appeared strong & composed as I walked towards my 3 friends who had come unannounced to be with me. God must have sent these angels although I wanted very much to be alone. They brought me out for dinner. But the minute I reached home that night, when I was all alone in my apartment, I broke down in tears.

........... to be continued in the next instalment.

Lesson : God works behind the scene to protect & care for His own.
Imagine this scenario. If I had not moved into this new apartment, I would not have signed up for swimming lessons. If I had not taken up swimming, I might not have discovered I had cancer until much later. Can you imagine what will happen then?

Application : How will you trust God when things don't turn out the way you had expected?

thanks for joining me in this memorable journey into the past,
tsk tsk

my story (1)

Moving In

I had waited 2 years to move into my new apartment. When TOP was finally granted, I was among the first few to move in. I had written in to Far East Organisation to grant me first priority as the tenancy on my rented flat was expiring in end-Sep 2005. FEO was very kind to grant me my request. I moved to Hillview Regency on 6 Oct 2005.

I enjoyed the new facilities & greeneries. There are 2 adult, 2 children, 1 toddler & 1 aerobics swimming pools within the condo development. Being hydrophobic, I don't enjoy anything that has to do with water such as swimming, boating, fishing, etc. But one day, I told myself I must overcome the fear of water by learning to swim. It seemed so silly & wasteful to pay for the facilities without making use of them. If I could swim, I could save myself should I accidentally fall into the swimming pool. If I could swim, I could play in the water with my nephews & nieces whenever they visited me from Malaysia. So I decided to engage a swimming coach for personal swimming lessons.

I began my first swimming lesson on 23 Jun 2006. I invested $200 on my swimming gear. Each course of 4 lessons cost me $160. Half-way through the 2nd course, my left ear began to give me problems.

............to be continued in the next instalment.

Lesson : With God, nothing happens by chance.
Cancer doesn't happen overnight. God already knew that cancer was growing in my nose years before I discovered it. It was not by chance that I moved into my new apartment. If I had not moved into a condo, I would never have thought of taking up swimming lessons. God's timing is always perfect. He knows when & how to alert us of dangers to our lives.

Application : How will you react when something bad happens to you unexpectedly?

thanks for joining me in this memorable journey into the past,
tsk tsk

my story

In the twinkling of an eye, 2 years have so swiftly flown by.

The 2nd anniversary of that dreadful day is just around the corner. The memory of that dreadful day, which began with an innocent ringing tone in my left ear leading to the shocked discovery of nose cancer, is still so vivid in my mind.

I intend to chronicle my story in a few instalments over the coming weeks. "My story" is written for those who are interested to know what cancer sufferers go through. I hope to draw lessons from my own experience to help others cope with the suffering & pain of a critical illness.

I pray that my story will encourage you to love & trust God always,

tsk tsk

a sister blog

On 16 Apr 2008, I wrote that I would be expanding this blog to bring God's comfort to fellow Christians who are suffering & hurting from cancer. I mentioned that I would include some short write-ups to encourage cancer sufferers & survivors to persevere in the midst of their suffering.

I have since changed my mind. Instead of squeezing everything into this blog, I have started a new sister blog named Romans838.

There is a direct link to both blogs. You can find the link on the top-right of the page. All you need to do is simply to click on the link. For instance, when you are on the "tsk tsk" blog, click on the "romans838" link on the top-right of the page & it will bring you to the "Romans 8:38-39" blog. And vice-versa. It's as easy as ABC.

I hope there is always something to cheer you up each day.

tsk tsk

TCM progress

Yesterday was my fortnightly TCM consultation. It was my 6th visit since 12 April.

Somehow the queue was slower than usual. I was there before 8.30pm but it was 10pm by the time it was my turn to see Dr Cheng. I was his 17th & last patient for the evening. Dr Cheng sees patients only from 7-9pm on Saturdays. It is good to be the last patient as it allows me more time to ask questions.

Dr Cheng is a very patient physician; he spends time explaining & communicating with his patients. Before my consultation with Dr Cheng, I normally drop by my friend's clinic (Dr Goh) to do acupuncture on my neck to relieve stiffness. After my consultation with Dr Cheng, I normally have to wait up to 1 hour to collect my herbs. The pharmacy gives only up to 3 days' supply of herbs at a heavily subsidised price. It's much cheaper than the price I have to pay at other medical shops so it's worth the wait.

Dr Cheng shared with me that his greatest joy as a physician was to see progress in his patients. I could see the joy on his face when he said he was happy to see much improvement in me since the first time I walked into his clinic. This is a true physician, one who is filled with compassion for the sick & is passionate in what he is doing. I am reminded of Jesus, the Great Physician who was always filled with compassion for those who came to Him for healing.

Dr Cheng said that although there were signs of improvement as indicated by my tongue coating & skin colour, my pulse still indicated a weak "qi". He asked if I had a good appetite & if I was eating well as my weight had remained unchanged at 46.5kg. I replied that I had been taking my regular meals. I jokingly asked if the weighing machine was working well as I felt I had put on some weight judging from the pants I wore. I will weigh myself at the NCC next week as I think the digital weighing machine there is more accurate.

My magic pot is buzzing now. It's time to drink my herbal medicine. You know, since the day that magic pot came into my life, drinking the herbal medicine is no longer yukky. It tastes magic. God had turned something yukky into something yummy in my mouth. The magic pot is truly a gift from God.

Thanks for reading & following my blog. It shows you really care about me. I thank God for you.

tsk tsk