my story (6)

my journey with pain

I have high tolerance for suffering but low tolerance for pain. Does this sound contradictory? I don't think so.

Before cancer, my worst "suffering" was during those years in London when I had to work part-time in the evenings & weekends, and held down 4 jobs during the summer vacation just to support myself through university. My chauvinistic father had refused to sponsor this daughter of his so I had to find my own ways & means. I was only 18 when I left for London. It was suffering to me because it was not easy to study & work at the same time. And believe it or not, I still managed to find the strength & time to teach in Sunday School! I experienced God as my Jehovah-Jireh during my 5 years in London. Well, this is another story which I will tell another time.

I am one who can't tolerate physical pain. I would tense up & close my eyes each time I go for blood tests. I would often ask, "Is it painful?" each time I go for tests & investigations. When I learned I had cancer, the first thing that came to my mind was pain. I must say I was scared. I was scared of pain. I had seen with my own eyes how my late sister went through cancer in great agony & pain. I had been praying silently for years that I would never have to follow in my sister's footsteps. But God thinks otherwise. God has willed that I should go through the dark valley of cancer to experience His love, mercy, grace & power.

Most nose cancer patients would experience the following side-effects of radiation but to varying degrees. I am recording this personal story in the hope that it will prepare those who are about to begin this same journey. May God be your strength & comfort.

Dry mouth. My mouth became very dry because radiation had destroyed my salivary glands. I will have to live with this dry mouth effect, medically known as xerostomia, all my life. With little saliva in my mouth, I began to experience problems with eating & talking. My teeth also began to decay.

Ulcers. By Week 2 ulcers began to appear in my mouth. The ulcers soon multiplied to hundreds all over my mouth & throat and were extremely painful. It was difficult to eat, drink, swallow & talk. It was torturous. It was nightmarish.

Saliva. My saliva became thick & phlegmy like glue. By Week 3, my salivary glands had been bombed so badly by radiation that saliva was flowing out of my mouth 24/7 non-stop! The saliva was so thick it was impossible to swallow. I had to spit it out all the time. I couldn't eat, talk & sleep. It was worst than a nightmare. It was like I was being put through a torture chamber.

Feeding Tube. By the end of Week 3, I was totally unable to eat or drink through the mouth. My mouth & throat were so painful with ulcers. My oncologist asked me to come down immediately to have a feeding tube inserted to my stomach through the nose. Previously, I had noticed an old man with a feeding tube. I never expected I would end up with one myself. I looked like a monster. It affected my self-esteem. I felt so low & lousy I cried. I never knew I would be reduced to such a state. I stopped going to church.

Nausea. By Week 4, I felt very sick. I kept throwing out. On 7 Oct 2006, I was vomitting so badly the feeding tube came off my throat! One of my "emergency 911" angels rushed me to SGH. I was immediately warded for acute dehydration.

Hospitalisation. I was warded for a week. I felt so miserable as I struggled with pain & nausea. One night, the valley seemed to have turned so dark, I felt I couldn't carry on anymore. I cried & cried to the Lord. God heard my cry. I was able to sleep that night. The next morning, I surprised everyone when I could take breakfast for the first time without vomitting!

Constipation. After I was discharged, I had bowel problems probably due to eating problems & effects of medication. On 18 Oct 2006, I was re-admitted to SGH for acute constipation.

Re-Hospitalisation. I was warded for another week. My suffering continued, this time with the added problem of constipation. The ward doctor re-inserted the feeding tube to enable me to take liquid milk as I was losing a lot of weight. Once again, I looked like a monster. I completed my radiotherapy 4 days after I was discharged. But I was on feeding tube for one month as the ulcers took a long time to heal.

The Bible says that all things work for our good (Romans 8:28) although many times we don't see how they could. I do not know or understand why God should "choose" me to go through such suffering & pain. But one thing I know, no matter how painful the journey, I will trust my loving Father all the way. This is because I know that God is too wise to make mistakes; God is too good to make me suffer for no reason or purpose.

Lesson : God's grace is sufficient & His power is made perfect in our weakness.
Someone once said, "The Spirit of God will not lead a man where the grace of God cannot keep him." God has promised His grace is always sufficient when we are weak. Paul said, "That is why for Christ's sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong." (2 Cor 12:10)

Application : How will you praise & thank God in the midst of your suffering & pain?

thanks for joining me in this painful journey of the past,
tsk tsk