thank You, Lord

About 25 people turned up at the Thanksgiving Open House today. Thank you for coming to celebrate God's goodness with me. Your presence & prayers were a great encouragement to me.

To those who couldn't come but had sent their well wishes via call, sms or email, thank you. Thank you, Ai Fong, for initiating this Thanksgiving Open House. Thanks also to those who had cooked or bought food. Each one of you had brought cheer to my heart. Thank you for spending the last day of the year with me. Thank you for leaving behind such sweet memories.

Thank You, Lord for 2008 -- for joy & sorrow, for roses & thorns, for sunshine & rain, for calm & storms, for mountains & valleys, for laughter & tears, for pleasure & pain, for hope & despair, for health & sickness, for peace & turmoil, for comfort & grief. Thank You, Lord for Your strength & grace to live each day.

You can view some photos under the heading, "Thanksgiving Dec 2008" on the side column.

"(We) will celebrate Your abundant goodness
and joyfully sing of Your righteousness."
(Psalm 145:7)

thank you for journeying along with me this past year,
tsk tsk

God's food angels

Before my surgery, some friends asked me out of concern. "You live alone, who is going to look after you when you are discharged? What about your meals, who is going to cook for you?" My reply was, "God will provide." And God did.

I know that God will provide. God had provided in the past. This time, God will provide again. I did not make any arrangements for post-surgery care. I did not inform my family in Malaysia about my surgery. I did not wish to cause them unnecessary anxiety or worry. My family does not read my blog as they are all Chinese-educated. Only my elder sister in Singapore & my younger sister in Taipei are aware of my condition.

My job is to rest well & trust my Heavenly Father to provide. My Father's job is to provide all my needs, just as He has promised in Matthew 6:25-34. And He has.

On the day I was discharged, Ai Min offered me her ensuite room with maid services to help me recuperate until I was well enough to look after myself. I was overwhelmed by her love. But I declined her kind offer.

From the day I was discharged, the Lord began to send His food angels. Each day, someone will volunteer to bring me home-cooked food for lunch or dinner. Some brought me groceries or brewed health tonics. Only the Lord could mobilise these food angels to minister to my needs. I am truly touched by their love in action. I feel so blessed to belong to the family of God.

Lord, You are my Jehovah-Jireh. Thank You for providing all my needs.

tsk tsk

open house on 31 Dec 2008

Dear brothers & sisters in Christ

I underwent lung surgery on Mon 22 Dec 2008 to remove some nodules on my right lung. I was discharged on Fri 26 Dec 2008 after 5 days in the hospital. The operation was successful & I am recovering well. All praise & glory be to our God Almighty.

I would like to thank each one of you for standing by me & praying alongside me in my journey through cancer. Some of you had wanted to visit me when I was warded but I had to post a “No Visit” request on my blog in the first 3 days as I was too weak to receive visitors. I was in great pain & discomfort. But I received a Christmas gift from the Lord when my condition improved by leaps & bounds on Christmas Day. Those of you who visited me on Christmas Day were surprised at my quick recovery. Again, all praise & glory be to God.

My BSF Teaching Leader, Yang Ai Fong, suggested holding an Open House at my residence on Wed 31 Dec 2008 from 1pm to 4pm. The purpose of this Open House is to give thanks to God. This Open House will also allow those who had wanted to visit me at the hospital but could not. I understand that some of you had actually planned or gone to visit me at SGH Ward 56 on Sunday thinking that I was still warded!

Open House means free-and-easy, you may come & go as you wish. Some simple food & drinks will be provided. Ai Fong had graciously volunteered to bake a turkey, to make up for my spending Christmas in the hospital!

I would like to invite you to this Open House. This Open House is open to anyone who would like to visit me. I will post this invitation on my blog too as I do not have everyone’s email addresses. RSVP is not required.

Here are the details of the Open House :

Date : Wed 31 Dec 2008
Time : 1pm – 4pm
Venue : Hillview Regency (please sms for full address)
Request : please DO NOT bring any gifts as there is no more space in my small humble apartment.

(If you are driving, you will be directed by the security guards to park on Level 4 & above at the multi-storey carpark. Ground-level parking is for residents only. Take the carpark lift to the ground floor, the first tower you see is Tower 1A.)

thank you for walking with me through this journey,
sockkim

a word of thanks to PS

Hi everyone, this is tsk. I am back.

I was discharged on Friday, 26 Dec 2008 after 5 days in the hospital. I am happy to be home. I am thankful to the Lord for all that He has done.

While I was hospitalised, PS had worked hard to keep this blog going so you could keep praying for me. "A friend in need is a friend indeed." "There is a friend who sticks closer than a brother" (Prov 18:24b) - these aptly describe my dear friend PS.

At the hospital, PS kept a daily vigil at my bedside, praying for me & sharing my pain with silent tears. She was an angel sent by God, always appearing at the right time when I was in a critical state or when I needed company. On the day of my discharge, PS spent the whole day with me at home, cleaned up my apartment, arranged with Ai Fong to deliver my dinner & made sure I was well enough to look after myself before she made her way home. And she is a mother of three.

BTW, it's time to reveal the true identity of PS - her real name is Phaik Sue. The nurses saw her everyday so one day one of them asked if we were sisters. PS replied, "We have the same Father but we are not sisters." Yes, we are sisters-in-Christ. PS hailed from Melaka, I from Batu Pahat but we met in Singapore through BSF. I thank God for BSF. BSF has given me not only spiritual food but a support group of sisters who have rallied around me in my journey through cancer.

PS, thanks for your love & the sacrifices you have made in looking after me in my time of illness. Lord, thank You for bringing PS into my life.

"...... I was sick and you looked after Me .............
whatever you did for one of the least of these brothers of mine,
you did for Me." (Matt 25:36, 40)

To all who have prayed & pleaded with the Lord for me, thank you. I know that God has heard all your prayers for I have recovered faster than I had expected.

All praise & glory be to our God.

tsk tsk

Surrender !!!

Help! I give up, I surrender !!!

This tsk is just too much, she is getting out of hand. Maybe her brain fell out of her head. Ask her where her brain is, then you'll know what I mean.

She sent this : Where my turkey? If don hv, ham oso can. If no ham, salmon boleh juga.
She said this : What, no chaffeur!? When AM offered her nice quiet ensuite room and helper, after she gets discharged.

Well, I am very, very happy tsk is her naughty self again. It is hand-over time. I (ps) enjoyed blogging over the past few days, but I have had enough fun. So bye, everyone! Tsk is back!

2 Thes 1:3 We ought always to thank God for you, brothers, and rightly so, because your faith is growing more and more, and the love every one of you has for each other is increasing.

Thanks for praying, ps

Thanksgiving

Philippians 1:3 I thank my God every time I remember you.
Philemon 1:4 I always thank my God as I remember you in my prayers.

It is Boxing Day, and we give thanks to God as always.

This morning, tsk had a few visitors, and they are the last ones to visit her.

Please don't come. Tsk is not in SGH anymore, she has run off home. This is just great news for all of us who are supporting her in prayer.

Last evening, tsk thought she would have salmon for special Christmas dinner, when she looked across the other patient's food tray. What a let down, it turned out to be papaya slices in the cling wrap.

Tsk's saliva drooled all the way to AF's house. So this evening, AF brought a wonderful dinner to her home. Porridge, with salmon and vege!

Thanks for praying, ps

Christmas presents

Phil 4:19 My God shall supply all your need according to His riches in glory by Christ Jesus.

Tsk received a wonderful present from Dr Koong this morning. First, he sent tsk to get her lung x-ray done. Her lung was clear, so the drainage tube could be removed. Her oxygen and catheter tubes were also removed. No more tubes! So she's free to move about already. She may even be discharged tomorrow.

Tsk also received a record twenty visitors today. They brought much encouragement, smiles, laughter, carols, gifts and even turkey porridge! But for that, she had to sacrifice her beauty sleep.

After talking, practically non-stop to her visitors, tsk was still not tired. Oh dear! She even had the strength to take a nice, warm bath. And all by herself! After that, she still had the energy to solve sudoku puzzles!

The power of prayer! When we worship the Lord by praying to Him, glorifying Him, witnessing for Him and submitting to Him, He works on our behalf. Our dear tsk is recovering extremely well!

Thanks for praying, ps

About key-holes

The nurse changed three dressings yesterday. So tsk thought she had three key-holes.

Well, today, tsk looked for the three key-holes, but found only two. There were three stitches at the back, and six stitches under the arm pit. The third dressing, which she thought was for another key-hole, was actually for the drainage tube.

Yes, all our praying has made tsk sleep well and eat well. She has certainly regained a lot of her strength. So much that she can even go look for her holes.

Thanks for praying, ps

Blessed Christmas!

Have a very blessed Christmas!

Reporting on tsk

Psalm 67:3,5 May the peoples praise you, O God; may all the peoples praise you.
Psalm 69:30 I will praise God's name in song and glorify him with thanksgiving.

Tsk is definitely improving. We praise God and we give Him thanks!

She has been sleeping well, this is great for quick healing. The IV line has been removed since she can eat better - porridge which comes with some meat and vege. She is out of bed now, she can sit up on the arm chair beside her bed. But she cannot move around yet, because of the tubes. She has a new 'toy' to exercise her lungs.

The nurse changed her dressings today. Apparently, she has three key-holes. Guess where?

Tsk's throat is dry. She cannot talk too much. Be thankful.

Tsk was fore-warned by the doctor. Ocassionally, she does experience PP (piercing pain).

Thanks for praying, ps

A taste of tsk's sms-es

Hello dear friends,
Let me also share the sms-es I have been receiving from hospital ...

Going sleep now. She needs her beauty sleep.

If poss no visits as still weak cant talk pain. Leavg 4 op room now. Pray. Blog. Instructions from tsk.

I surprise too. Mayb long dlay, doesn't want me too weak go thru op. Father noes best. Guess there's emergency case last min, mine can wait. God heard ur pyr. Dr just calld up nurse 2 giv me milo n biskut! Going take showr. Hungry but must not eat or drink. Before the op.

I peaceful. Must b d power of all ur pyrs. Thank you to all of you, she appreciates your prayers.

Or mayb drug addict on high. That's what she said she may be like after op.

Going take nap now, sleepy. Told you, she needs her beauty sleep.

I hope you enjoyed reading them as much as I have. Please continue to pray for tsk.

Thanks for praying, ps

Encouragement from all of you

My dear friends,
These are some of the messages I (ps) have been receiving ... let me share.

Will keep on praying for quick recovery, ability to eat and less pain.
Yes, praying for Tsk's speedy recovery.
I will continue to remember her.
Yes, it's wise not to visit her first as she'll need plenty of rest.
We'll continue to uphold her in prayers.
If there's anything I can help or do for TSK, pls don't hesitate to tell me.
Pls call me as and when you need someone to fill in a gap to do anything.
I read part of her blog and my heart went out to tsk.
Been praying that she is given the best medical advice, and for her spiritual strength to go through another big trial.
I have fond memories of her and would like to help.
When I read of situations like TSK's, my own is so small in comparison.
I am available most of the time.
Yes, I would like to go together with you.
I can provide meals, transport and house chores.
Will keep her in prayer and will visit her at sgh.
I will be there.
Will be praying.
I'd love to be able to support her thru prayer and presence.
The blog of SK really saddens & pains my heart.
I can spend Christmas morning with tsk.
Pl put me down for Dec 24th Wed afternoon.
I will visit TSK when I can for next week.
You may want to let me know what things I can pick-up (buy) for her on the way to hospital.
I can make porridge or oats, with minced meat or butter and milk?
OK, am glad to hear good news.
Sure, please put me in.
I go to the market (mon to fri, not on rainy days) in the mornings and usually I will pass Sock Kim's place. If u need any help, pls let me know.
May we remember tsk in our prayers.
PS, what can I bring for SK tmr?
I read TSK's blog, and my heart goes out to her.
Will visit SK after the op.
I am lost for words.
If she doesn't eat, it will be my lunch! Heh heh.
Let me know when and how I am needed ...
I'll be able to stay with her till evening.
Let me know timing so I can be there.
Will block Monday for her ...
Will make myself available.
Does she eat ham or turkey or salad?
Dear SK, got your heartbreaking news. Will go on my knees for you.
Been praying & will continue to pray. Psalm 41:1-3.
Dear SK, the Lord bless you & keep you & comfort you with these words from Isa 26:3-4.

With Christmas looming close and as I reflect on and give thanks for all the wonderful things, I count myself blessed to have been through BSF and for a support group like this. Each one of you are surely doing what the Lord admonished us to do. I am so deeply moved by the love, support and care provided and I know that Sock Kim must be so very touched as well. If each Christian lived our lives like this, surely the world would want to know our Saviour! Thank you for your labour of love and your love for the Lord in ministering to Sock Kim!

Thanks for praying, ps

Improving

My dear friends,

Praise God!
Rec'd an sms from tsk: Dr Koong visited. Lung doing well. Histology results not out yet. Can remove oxygen and lung tubes tomorrow. Now off glucose. Can eat without throwing up already! Can receive visitors tonight.

Her address: SGH ward 56 room 24 bed 1

Thanks for praying, ps

Christmas Eve

1 John 4:7 Dear friends, let us love one another, for love comes from God. Everyone who loves has been born of God and knows God.

Thanks for praying!

Tsk is feeling better. She managed to take oats for breakfast this morning. Yay!

Do pray for her to eat and drink more, to regain her strength. Please continue to pray for pain relief.

I know many of you wish to visit her. Thank you for such love and concern for tsk. I think she will be ready for visitors tomorrow - Christmas Day! Please try to visit about 12-2pm or 6-8pm, during her meal times. She'd like to take her (beauty) nap in the afternoon.

Thanks for praying, ps

Post Op

1 Thes 5:16-18 Be joyful always; pray continually; give thanks in all circumstances, for this is God's will for you in Christ Jesus.

Thank you for praying! Tsk slept quite well last night despite the pain.

This morning, the doctor allowed, and the nurse encouraged her to take porridge and milo. She tried to drink, but could not hold it in. Not yet.

Tsk stabilised, so in the afternoon, she was moved to the general ward. Still, with all her tubes - oxygen, catheters, IV line.

At dinner time, Tsk tried some drink and tried a few (tiny) mouthfuls of porridge. Oh dear, still cannot hold in her intake. And she's beginning to feel weak and hungry.

Dear visitors, please note. Tsk is very thankful that some of you were planning to visit her tomorrow. She is terribly sorry, she doesn't think she would feel well enough to have visitors yet. Please do not come.

Please continue to PRAY:

• for her pain management.
• for the nausea to go away so she can eat and drink, to get stronger and better.

Thank you for praying, ps

Giving thanks

Psalm 118:21 I will give you thanks, for you answered me; you have become my salvation.

We give thanks:

• the Lord guided Prof Koong & his medical team to perform the operation well
• there was no complication during & after the operation
• the operation was successful, the three nodules in the right lung were removed
• there is some post-operation side-effects (eg numbness, pain)
• whatever the result (malignant or benign), the Lord will grant tsk His strength & peace as she goes through yet another trial

We give thanks!

Out of OT

Col 1:3 We always thank God, the Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, when we pray for you.

Tsk is out of her 55 minute-operation. She is in very stable condition. The pre and post took a long time. She left the ward about 2.10pm and returned at 7.30pm.

The doctor said that the three nodules were removed, and that the other parts of her lung looked clear.

Tsk is in great pain. Please pray for good pain management.

Thanks for praying, ps

Operation still on

Psalm 139:10 Even there Your hand will guide me, Your right hand will hold me fast.

How encouraging to know that : God was already waiting for tsk in the operation theatre and He is still holding her hands!

Hello to each and everyone of you. It is about 5.30pm now. Tsk is still in the OT. Please continue to pray for her. After the operation is over, she will be in the high dependency ward.

Thanks for praying, ps

Operation

Finally, Tsk left her bed about 2.10pm to go for her operation.
We trust and pray.

Thanks for praying, ps

Good morning!

Psalm 5:3 In the morning, O LORD, you hear my voice; in the morning I lay my requests before you and wait in expectation.

Thank you for praying for tsk! She feels at peace!

It is about 8.30am now. Tsk is up already, but not in the OT yet. The operation has been delayed. She is hungry, no food or drink. Yet she has been allowed a snack of milo and biscuits (by the surgeon). We may not know, but our Father knows best.

I will update again when I receive more information.

Thanks for praying, ps

tsk at SGH ward 56 room 24 bed 9

Thank you to the Sunday visitors! Tsk had a good dinner. After the x-ray, she had a wonderful supper. We pray she is sleeping well tonight.

Please note, the operation is about 10am-1pm, tomorrow.

Please remember to pray that :

• the Lord will guide Prof Koong & his medical team to perform this delicate surgery
• there will be no complications during & after the surgery (eg no infection, stroke or bleeding)
• the surgery will be successful in removing the affected areas in the right lung
• there will be no or minimal post-surgery side-effects (eg numbness, pain)
• whatever the result (malignant or benign), the Lord will grant tsk His strength & peace as she goes through yet another trial

Tsk really, really appreciates our thoughtfulness. But, please respect her requests. Please do not come before the surgery, or visit on Mon or Tue.

Thanks for praying, ps

PS takes over

By the time you read this, I would have checked into SGH Ward 56.

I would like to announce that PS is back today as my personal manager. Welcome back, PS!

While I'm warded, PS will update this blog to keep you posted on my progress. Blogging is the preferred mode of communication so there will be no emails during this period. SMS messages will be sent out only for urgent prayer requests. Please read this blog for the latest news. Try not to jam PS's line with emails or smses unless necessary. Yours truly will resume writing when I'm discharged.

May I wish you a God-blessed Christmas & New Year,

thanks for praying,
tsk tsk

life may be unfair but God is good

On this night before I am admitted to SGH tomorrow for a lung surgery, my mind travels back to the events of the last 2 years.

• I discovered I had nose cancer (NPC) in Aug 2006.
• I underwent 8 weeks of radiation treatment in Sep-Oct 2006.
• The MRI scan done in Jan 2007 confirmed the nasopharynx area behind my nose was clear of tumour.
• My first annual CT scan in Sep 2007 showed sub-cm tiny nodules in the right lung.
• A follow-up lung scan in Mar 2008 confirmed 2 nodules in the right lung, "suspicious of metastasis".
• PET scan done in Mar 2008 could not determine if the nodules were malignant.
• My second annual CT scan done in Nov 2008 made the same conclusion, "suspicious of pulmonary metastasis".
• My oncologist referred me to see a lung surgeon.
• On 11 Dec 2008, Dr Koong advised that the nodules should be removed as soon as possible.
• The surgery was fixed on 22 Dec 2008.

In the 2 months between Nov & Dec 2008, there was fear & anxiety within me as I tried to make sense of what was happening. But as I confide my fears & anxieties to the Lord, I begin to feel God's peace & presence within me.

I learned from my oncologist that rarely does NPC spread to the lungs. According to him, the number of such cases so far could be counted with one hand. And one of them has to be me.

Why is life so unfair? I recently read an RBC booklet of the same title, based on the story of Asaph who wrote Psalm 73. Incidentally, one of my favourite verses is Psalm 73:26 - "My flesh & my heart may fail, but God is the strength of my heart & my portion forever."

Life may be unfair but God is good. God has been my Strength in times of adversity. God has been my Hope when everything seems hopeless. God has been my Peace when my heart is gripped with fear & uncertainty.

Life may be unfair but I will trust my loving Father all the way. This is because I know that God is too wise to make mistakes; God is too good to make me suffer for no reason or purpose.

I pray that it will not be cancer. Even if it is, I will still love the Lord my God with all my heart. Daniel's words came to mind :

"If we are thrown into the blazing furnace, the God we serve is able to save us from it, and He will rescue us from your hand, O king. But even if He does not, we want you to know that we will not serve your gods or worship the image of gold you have set up." (Daniel 3:17-18)

As I lie on the operating table on Monday morning, I know that you will be on your knees praying for me. I know that the Lord will be with me in the operating room. God is our Creator, our Divine Physician, our Healer.

See you all after my surgery,

tsk tsk

tsk's prayer request

Below are some details about the surgery.

Hospital : Singapore General Hospital
Admission date : Sun 21 Dec 2008, 1pm
Operation date : Mon 22 Dec 2008, 8am
Surgeon : Prof Koong HN
Length of surgery : 2-3 hours
Ward : Blk 5, Ward 56
Length of hospitalisation : about 7-8 days
Visiting hours : preferably lunch time & evenings (no visits on Mon, Tue unless necessary)

note : no phone calls, sms is preferred

Please pray that :

• the Lord will guide Prof Koong & his medical team to perform this delicate surgery
• there will be no complications during & after the surgery (eg no infection, stroke or bleeding)
• the surgery will be successful in removing the affected areas in the right lung
• there will be no or minimal post-surgery side-effects (eg numbness, pain)
• whatever the result (malignant or benign), the Lord will grant me His strength & peace as I go through yet another trial
  

thanks for praying,
tsk tsk
hp : 9107-0036

has cancer returned?

It had been an agonising 2 weeks since I received my latest CT scan results on 26 Nov 2008. Has cancer returned? Is the time-bomb in my right lung about to explode?

This is the second time in 2 years the report says, "suspicious of pulmonary metastases". This means cancer is suspected to have spread to the lung. The nodule on the upper lobe of my right lung has increased in size from previous 0.2cm to 0.6cm. There are 2 other smaller nodules on the lower lobe. The report sounded like a second death sentence. I wished it was a mistake. I wished it was all a bad dream. I wished I did not have to relive the agony of cancer.

My oncologist looked worried. He showed me the scanned images on the computer. I saw the 3 nodules. He added cautiously, "we don't know if it is cancer but anything that grows at this rate is likely to be cancer." Dr Wee gave me 4 options to consider. I asked to see a surgical oncologist. He referred me to Prof Koong, the head of surgical oncology at NCC, who specialises in lung cancer.

Prof Koong was on leave, so I was scheduled to see him on the day he returned - 12 Dec 2008. But on Tue, his nurse called to ask me to come a day earlier. I am thankful to PS who took time to be with me. Prof Koong patiently explained the need for surgery & advised that the surgery should be done as soon as possible to prevent further complications. The nodule tissue will be sent for lab tests to determine if it is malignant (cancer). This is a major operation which will take probably 2-3 hours. Post-surgery side-effects include temporary numbness & occasional pain.

Prof Koong gave 2 available dates for surgery - 22 Dec or 19 Jan. We decided on the earlier date although I felt it was too soon. The idea of going for surgery made me very scared. Eight years ago, I underwent a 4-hour surgery to remove a thyroid nodule. I know what it's like to go under the knife. Now I have to go through another one again.

22 Dec is only 10 days away. I will be warded for about a week. This means I will be spending Christmas at SGH. My first Noel in a hospital.

"My flesh and my heart may fail
but God is the strength of my heart
and my portion forever." (Psalm 73:26)

thanks for walking with me through this difficult journey,

tsk tsk

50kg at long last

I am required to do a CT Scan (from head to abdomen) on my anniversary month every year. After I did the scan this morning at NCC, I went to weigh myself at the same weighing machine. I had done this for the last 2 years. Different weighing machines show me different weights, so I only trust this particular machine for consistency.

I was happy I finally weighed 50kg. It has taken me one whole lifetime to reach 50kg. This gives me a BMI (Body Mass Index) of 19.5 which is within the normal range. My BMI used to be 18.5 or less. I was underweight for most of my life. It's such an irony of life - some people try so hard to lose weight while I try so hard to put on weight.

I will know the scan results next Wed when I see my oncologist.

thanks for praying,
tsk tsk

a tearful farewell

My BSF Teaching Leader, Ai Fong, retires this year after serving 12 years as TL in the Queenstown BSF class. Today we held a farewell lunch in her honour.

The celebration began with a cheery mood but ended with a "teary" goodbye. The master-of-ceremony got everyone's head cracking as she quizzed us on how much we could remember our lessons from Matthew. It was fun as we tried to recall the miracles, parables, beatitudes, Jesus' sayings, His birth, life, crucifixion, burial, resurrection, etc.

The mood in the room turned sombre when it was time for each representative from Admin, Discussion Leaders & Children's Leaders (CLs) to give their farewell speeches. Yours truly was given the honour to represent the CLs. Ai Fong was visibly touched by the speeches. It was a tearful farewell. Not an eye was dry. We presented Ai Fong with a "Memory Book" which was a compilation of "memories" contributed by each leader.

Lord, thank You that Your Word has changed the lives of many through the BSF ministry. I am one such person whose life You have impacted.

tsk tsk

time out from BSF

“My son asked if you could teach him again next year. I told him you are leaving BSF,” one BSF leader told me at the Leaders' Meeting yesterday.

These words warmed my heart. God has indeed impacted the life of this boy. Teaching the Senior Level at the BSF school program has been very fulfilling. It is a joy to see young people yearning to know God & hungering for His Word. It is an encouragement to see them growing in the Lord. I am thankful I can be a part of this boy’s spiritual journey with God.

Doing God's work has its share of discouragements too. But our Heavenly Father knows how to handle them. In my 10 years as a BSF leader, God had never failed to send someone to lift me up whenever I had felt like quitting. Last year, God sent a 7-year-old boy to encourage me when I had thought of leaving BSF (see blog entry on 28 Aug 2007).

Yes, I am leaving BSF after 10 long years of service. This is the 3rd time I have asked the Lord for permission to leave. This time He granted my request. I call it my one-year sabbatical but my BSF co-labourers call it a secondment. I need time out from BSF to settle some earthly business before the Lord calls me home. Like the prophet Elijah, I also feel burnt-out & need a personal retreat with God to reflect, to refresh, to rejuvenate. And if God willing, I would like to go back to school not to earn another degree but to equip myself further for God's service.

Nose Cancer Support Group
Another reason for my sabbatical was because I felt the calling to commit one year of my life to serve in the NPC Support Group. NPC-SG is a nose cancer support group under the auspices of the National Cancer Centre (NCC). This support group was set up in 2005 to provide an environment for emotional support & sharing of experiences among NPC patients & survivors. It organises talks & activities to help patients & survivors cope with nose cancer (NPC = nasopharyngeal or nose cancer).

I have been with this support group for the last 2 years. We meet on the 1st Friday of the month at the NCC premises. I believe it's important for cancer survivors to meet other survivors who share the same experiences, walk the same journey & speak the same language. Life after cancer is a totally new experience for every survivor; there are anxieties, challenges & frustrations along the way. The cancer support group is the place to meet similar people who understand what we are going through & remind us that we are not alone.

With the growing membership, the NPC-SG committee has felt the need to set up a website. But this project has been put on hold for 2 years as no suitable person with writing ability could be found. The committee chairman approached me for help as he felt I could contribute in this area. I thought & prayed hard. It took me many months before I said yes. I wasn't sure if I could be fully committed. I will simply take one step at a time, trusting God to lead me to do what He wants me to do.

tsk tsk

what did ENT say?

Thyroid Ultrasound & Biopsy Results
The ultrasound showed 2 lesions of 0.6cm & 0.5cm in the upper pole and a small nodule of 0.7cm x 0.4cm in the lower pole of my left thyroid. But they appear benign.

Occasional dizzy spells & falling sensation
Dr Ng did some physical tests on me. I was asked to stand with eyes closed, lie down, turn my head & so on. I think I "failed" the tests. He suspected I might have problem with my inner ear. He said this could be caused by radiation & explained that low blood pressure was not the cause but could make my condition worse. He prescribed Betahistine & Prochloperazine to stabilise my dizzy spells. I have to take this medication for the next 3 months before coming back to do Vestibular Battery Test (VBT) in Dec. The test will take 1-1.5 hours.

• Vestibular testing consists of a number of tests that help determine if there is something wrong with the vestibular (balance) portion of the inner ear.
• These tests can help isolate dizziness symptoms to a specific cause that can often be treated.
• If dizziness is not caused by the inner ear, it might be caused by the brain, by medical disorders such as low blood pressure or by psychological problems such as anxiety.

Choking Experiences
Occasionally I feel choked by a lump of "phlegm" in my throat. Breathing becomes difficult. I have to drain down the "phlegm" with lots of water. I notice that I often feel hungry too, even after a meal. From the symptoms I described, Dr Ng suspected I might be suffering from gastroesophageal reflux. He explained that it was not phlegm but acid that came back to my throat from the stomach.

• Stomach contents are normally acidic & are kept inside the stomach by a valve at the lower end of the esophagus (food tube or gullet).
• Gastroesophageal reflux is the term used when stomach acids come back into the esophagus or throat.
• Symptoms result from direct irritation by acid & stomach enzymes or by reflex tightening of throat muscles.
• The sense of a lump in the throat is called globus & may result from chronic reflux laryngitis or increased tension in the upper esophageal muscles behind the voice box.
• An increase in secretions in the throat results in habitual throat clearing. These secretions may be mistaken as post-nasal drip or "phlegm".
• A patient with night-time reflux may awaken with a sore, irritated throat & a gravely hoarse voice.
• Muscle tension in the larynx may lead to vocal difficulty, trouble swallowing & in severe cases to choking spells & airway obstruction.
• Heartburn is a typical symptom of gastroesophageal reflux.

Dr Ng put me on Omeprazole to decrease the amount of acid produced in my stomach. Omeprazole is used to treat symptoms of gastroesophageal reflux and other conditions caused by excess stomach acid.

Is my body slowly breaking down because of radiation? Did I inherit all these "diseases" from radiation? I sometimes joke that I may die from these symptoms but not from cancer!

I thank God that I can live each day by His grace, with or without cancer.

tsk tsk

medical tests & results

Here is a brief report on my SGH visits yesterday.

Thyroid nodule - ultrasound & biopsy
I waited one hour as the doctor was busy with patients at the specialist outpatient clinic. While waiting for the doctor, the nurse did all the necessary things to check that I was fit. I was told that my blood pressure was quite low (94/68). No wonder I had been feeling faint lately, but not giddy. Sometimes I do feel like I am going to fall, esp in crowded places. I am worried that one day I might just simply collapse on the road.

At 2.30pm Assoc Prof Tay finally came. He checked the thyroid ultrasound which I did in the morning & told me there was a small nodule on the left side of my thyroid. He then performed a "fine needle aspiration biopsy" (FNAB) on my left thyroid. I was put on local anaesthesia as he poked 3 times into my neck. There was a bit of pain & discomfort but the procedure was over by 3pm.

My ENT doctor will review the results with me at my next consultation in Sep.

O & G Centre - fibroids & CA125
My fibroids have not grown bigger; in fact, I think they have shrunk slightly. The CA125 reading is in the normal range : 24.6 (<35.1), compared to the previous reading of 42.8. This good result is reassuring to me.

Thank You Lord for your protection.
Thank you all for your prayers.

tsk tsk

thyroid nodule

I had an operation 8 years ago to remove a nodule on the right lobe of my thyroid gland. The benign nodule measured 1.5cm & the operation took several hours.

The PET scan I did in March had shown a nodule on the left side of my thyroid. Tomorrow I will be going to SGH to do a thyroid ultrasound followed by FNAB (fine needle aspiration biopsy). The results will be reviewed by my ENT doctor in Sep.

I will also be seeing my gynae in the afternoon to follow-up on my fibroids & to review the CA125 results.

thanks for praying,
tsk tsk

life after cancer.....2 years on

Today is a nostalgic day. On this day 2 years ago, I was told I had nasopharyngeal cancer. The memories are still fresh. That unexpected news opened a new chapter in my life. Life after cancer has never been the same. Cancer treatment took only 2 months but the after-effects of radiotherapy continue to affect every facet of my life even today.

The most severe after-effect is xerostomia or dry mouth condition. I have only about 70% of saliva in my mouth compared to that of a normal person. We have often taken our saliva for granted, oblivious to its multiple God-given benefits. Without saliva, we will find it difficult to eat, swallow or talk. Without saliva, our teeth & gum will become extra-sensitive & will be prone to dental decay.

God has given us every part in our human body for a purpose. If any part is missing or breaks down, our body will not function properly. It takes a divine mind to think of everything our body needs. Our God is a great God.

How do I survive with lack of saliva in my mouth? I need to sip water throughout the day. I need water, soup or gravy to go with my food. I must remember to bring a bottle of water when I go out. In places where drinking water is not allowed, such as in buses or trains, I will use a spray to wet my dry mouth.

Life after cancer has been full of challenges as I learn to live with all the changes. The journey to recovery would not have been possible without God's faithfulness & all your prayerful support.

Thank you, dear family & friends, for standing solidly by me these 2 years.

tsk tsk

my cough is gone

After some 3 weeks, my dry ticklish cough was finally gone.

This is my self-medication. I ate 1-2 china pears a day. I sipped freshly-brewed chrysanthemum drink the whole day. My TCM physician added a herb to my prescription. I gargled with salt water. God worked behind the scene. And my cough gradually dissipated.

During those 3 weeks, I again experienced God's miraculous touch. My ticklish throat miraculously cleared each time it was my turn to teach at the BSF school program; my cough was miraculously put on hold during my recent dental follow-up at NDC. Outside these situations, my ticklish cough would resume. It couldn't have happened without divine hands at work.

Thank you all for praying with me.
Thank You Lord for healing me.

tsk tsk

medical schedule

This is an update on my medical appointments for the rest of the year.

7 Aug - NDC dental follow-up
21 Aug - Blood test for CA125
28 Aug - Thyroid ultrasound & FNAB
28 Aug - O&G Clinic (fibroid, CA125 review)
18 Sep - ENT Clinic (thyroid nodule review)
20 Nov - Annual CT scan
26 Nov - NCC (CT scan review)
26 Nov - NDC dental follow-up
27 Nov - Liver ultrasound
3 Dec - Liver Clinic (ultrasound review)
11 Dec - ENT Clinic (VBT & consultation)

16 Aug is forever etched in my memory. It marks my second anniversary. I give thanks to God that I have survived for 2 years. Each day is a day of grace & blessing from God.

thanks for journeying with me these 2 years,
tsk tsk

dry cough

In the past 2 weeks, I have developed a dry irritating cough which refuses to go away. I also notice that my dry mouth has become more dry, the corners of my lips are tearing & my right thumb is cracking again. I am not sure if they are all related, but they seem to come all at the same time!

Last Saturday, my TCM physician added a herb into the prescription to relieve my dry throat. He also advised me to take China pears. I am taking lots of fruits which I think may help lubricate my dry throat & mouth. Because I have xerostomia (dry mouth), a side-effect of radiation, my mouth is always dry for lack of saliva so I need to sip water throughout the day. But it doesn't do much to relieve my dry throat.

cough......cough......cough
tsk tsk

thyroid test result

Dr Ng called me today, just as he said he would once he received the result. That was fast as I did the blood test only yesterday.

The thyroid result was not much different from the test I did last year. The free T4 thyroxine is normal while TSH (Thyroid Stimulating Hormone) is slightly higher than normal. A normal T4 & a high TSH is considered mild thyroidism. Dr Ng said there was no need for treatment, just an annual follow-up would do.

When I compared the result with last year's, I noticed that the TSH reading had actually gone down marginally. The reduction might be considered small but to me, any small improvement is a good sign. Test results such as this will help me to gauge the effectiveness of TCM treatment.

Lord, thank You for the little, little improvements each day.

tsk tsk

ncc & liver clinic

The 1st 5 years are said to be most critical for cancer survivors. Research done on NPC survivors shows that the 5-year survival rate is as follows : Stage 1 : 80-90%; Stage 2 : 60-70%; Stage 3 : 50%; Stage 4 : 20-50% (NPC = nasopharyngeal cancer or nose cancer). I was diagnosed with Stage 2 NPC in 2006.

Being my second year of survival, I now go to NCC for review once every 4 months. Today was my 2nd review this year. Dr Wee, my oncologist was away on conference leave, so I was attended to by Dr Ng.

Dr Ng asked me some standard questions & decided to do a blood test to check for thyroid. The same test I did one year ago showed I had mild hypothyroidism but not critical enough to be on medication. Dr Ng wanted to do the test again to check if it had become worse. Some symptoms of hypothyroidism are fatigue, breathlessness & intolerance of cold. I seem to have all of these. I understand that thyroid problems are common in cancer survivors who had head or neck radiation. I am one such survivor.

October is my "cancer anniversary month" so I have been scheduled to do CT scan in Nov to check for metastasis or spread of cancer. The scan I did last year had revealed 2 cysts on my right lung. Are the cysts still there? Have they grown in size? This is one concern on my doctor's mind. It's also my concern.

I went for my 2nd appointment in the afternoon. This time it was the liver clinic. The purpose was to review the AFP tumour marker. The 2-hour wait was long & tiring, and I almost slept while waiting for my turn. The liver clinic opens only on Wednesday afternoons & the long waiting time has become something like a norm for the clinic. Why is there such a shortage of liver specialists (hepatologists), I wonder? Or have they all gone into private practice?

The liver consultation was a non-event. Dr Leong went to some length to assure me there was nothing wrong with my liver & said the AFP test was unnecessary in the first place. I could sense his annoyance with the O&G clinic for ordering this test & giving me unnecessary anxiety. For this, Dr Leong said he would waive the consultation fee for today. He apologised that it was a wasted trip for me. Isn't that nice & thoughtful of him? Doctors do have a heart too. He reminded me to come for the once-a-year liver ultrasound scan & review in Nov.

To me, it was not a wasted trip. Dr Leong's assurance confirms what my body has been telling me all this while. I am one who looks out for external signs or symptoms which I believe would warn me if there is something not right in my body. So far there are no such signs or symptoms so I believe I don't have liver problems.

What a long day! I was exhausted by the time I reached home after 7pm. Maybe I am hypothyroid? I will wait for my oncologist's call. He has promised to call me when the blood test result is out in a few days' time.

thanks for reading & for praying,
tsk tsk

results of tumour markers

Tumour markers are substances, usually proteins, that are produced by the body in response to cancer growth or by the cancer tissue itself. Tumour markers may be used to help diagnose cancer, predict a patient’s response to particular therapies, check a patient’s response to treatment or determine if cancer has returned. Different tumour markers are found in different types of cancer. In general, tumour markers cannot be used alone to diagnose cancer; they must be combined with other tests.

So far, no tumour marker has gained acceptance as a general screening test. Most tumour markers are not sensitive or specific enough to be used for cancer screening (too many false positives, leading to expensive and unnecessary follow-up testing). A study done in the USA showed only about 3 out of 100 women with elevated CA-125 actually had ovarian cancer. And 1 in 5 women with ovarian cancer never had an elevated CA-125 level. This goes to show tumour markers are not 100% reliable.

On 12 Jun, I took blood tests for the following tumour markers :

• AFP (alphafoeto protein) - to test for liver cancer
• CA-125 - to test for ovarian cancer
• CEA (carcino-embryonic antigen) - to test for colon cancer

On 3 Jul, my gynae showed me the results of the above tumour markers. Two of the markers have high reading : AFP & CA-125. In the coming weeks, I am scheduled to do more tests to verify the results. I think there is no harm in doing more tests as long as the results can confirm there is nothing wrong with my liver & ovary. Early detection is always better. I pray that the additional tests will show the tumour marker results to be false positives, meaning that I do not have the disease even though the tumour marker result is higher than normal.

After receiving the TM results, I went to Chinatown to collect my TCM herbs. I returned to SGH for my next appointment at the National Dental Centre. My teeth are posing a great challenge to me as I constantly fight against tooth decay caused by radiation. Dental problem is a major side-effect faced by NPC survivors (NPC=nasopharyngeal cancer). It will be a lifetime struggle to fight against tooth decay.

Thanks for reading my blog. I'm always encouraged when someone tells me he/she reads my blog. Why? Because I know that as you read, you will join me in praising God for His goodness. Because I am assured I am not alone on this road to recovery.

tsk tsk

not another cancer scare?

At 2.43pm today, I received a surprise call from my gynae's nurse. Nobody likes to receive phone calls from his or her doctor. Doctors normally call only when there is bad news.

So I prepared my heart for bad news. My mind immediately turned to the tumour markers I did last Thurday to test for ovarian cancer. My gynae mentioned they would call me if the tests showed bad results; otherwise my next visit would be in 3 months.

The nurse told me my gynae would like to see me in early July instead of August. I asked her why. She replied, "The tumour markers showed very high reading so it is of much concern." I asked, "If it is so urgent, then why not I come in this week?" The nurse said, "It's not that urgent but your gynae suggests you come back in early July." So we fixed the appointment for 3 July 2008.

I pray that it wouldn't be another cancer scare. I had a scare in March when my lung report suspected lung metastasis (meaning, cancer was suspected to have spread to the lungs). But the PET scan I did showed there was no sign of cancer in my lungs.

"Lord, my flesh & my heart may fail, but You are the strength of my heart and my portion forever."

tsk tsk

my story (6)

my journey with pain

I have high tolerance for suffering but low tolerance for pain. Does this sound contradictory? I don't think so.

Before cancer, my worst "suffering" was during those years in London when I had to work part-time in the evenings & weekends, and held down 4 jobs during the summer vacation just to support myself through university. My chauvinistic father had refused to sponsor this daughter of his so I had to find my own ways & means. I was only 18 when I left for London. It was suffering to me because it was not easy to study & work at the same time. And believe it or not, I still managed to find the strength & time to teach in Sunday School! I experienced God as my Jehovah-Jireh during my 5 years in London. Well, this is another story which I will tell another time.

I am one who can't tolerate physical pain. I would tense up & close my eyes each time I go for blood tests. I would often ask, "Is it painful?" each time I go for tests & investigations. When I learned I had cancer, the first thing that came to my mind was pain. I must say I was scared. I was scared of pain. I had seen with my own eyes how my late sister went through cancer in great agony & pain. I had been praying silently for years that I would never have to follow in my sister's footsteps. But God thinks otherwise. God has willed that I should go through the dark valley of cancer to experience His love, mercy, grace & power.

Most nose cancer patients would experience the following side-effects of radiation but to varying degrees. I am recording this personal story in the hope that it will prepare those who are about to begin this same journey. May God be your strength & comfort.

Dry mouth. My mouth became very dry because radiation had destroyed my salivary glands. I will have to live with this dry mouth effect, medically known as xerostomia, all my life. With little saliva in my mouth, I began to experience problems with eating & talking. My teeth also began to decay.

Ulcers. By Week 2 ulcers began to appear in my mouth. The ulcers soon multiplied to hundreds all over my mouth & throat and were extremely painful. It was difficult to eat, drink, swallow & talk. It was torturous. It was nightmarish.

Saliva. My saliva became thick & phlegmy like glue. By Week 3, my salivary glands had been bombed so badly by radiation that saliva was flowing out of my mouth 24/7 non-stop! The saliva was so thick it was impossible to swallow. I had to spit it out all the time. I couldn't eat, talk & sleep. It was worst than a nightmare. It was like I was being put through a torture chamber.

Feeding Tube. By the end of Week 3, I was totally unable to eat or drink through the mouth. My mouth & throat were so painful with ulcers. My oncologist asked me to come down immediately to have a feeding tube inserted to my stomach through the nose. Previously, I had noticed an old man with a feeding tube. I never expected I would end up with one myself. I looked like a monster. It affected my self-esteem. I felt so low & lousy I cried. I never knew I would be reduced to such a state. I stopped going to church.

Nausea. By Week 4, I felt very sick. I kept throwing out. On 7 Oct 2006, I was vomitting so badly the feeding tube came off my throat! One of my "emergency 911" angels rushed me to SGH. I was immediately warded for acute dehydration.

Hospitalisation. I was warded for a week. I felt so miserable as I struggled with pain & nausea. One night, the valley seemed to have turned so dark, I felt I couldn't carry on anymore. I cried & cried to the Lord. God heard my cry. I was able to sleep that night. The next morning, I surprised everyone when I could take breakfast for the first time without vomitting!

Constipation. After I was discharged, I had bowel problems probably due to eating problems & effects of medication. On 18 Oct 2006, I was re-admitted to SGH for acute constipation.

Re-Hospitalisation. I was warded for another week. My suffering continued, this time with the added problem of constipation. The ward doctor re-inserted the feeding tube to enable me to take liquid milk as I was losing a lot of weight. Once again, I looked like a monster. I completed my radiotherapy 4 days after I was discharged. But I was on feeding tube for one month as the ulcers took a long time to heal.

The Bible says that all things work for our good (Romans 8:28) although many times we don't see how they could. I do not know or understand why God should "choose" me to go through such suffering & pain. But one thing I know, no matter how painful the journey, I will trust my loving Father all the way. This is because I know that God is too wise to make mistakes; God is too good to make me suffer for no reason or purpose.

Lesson : God's grace is sufficient & His power is made perfect in our weakness.
Someone once said, "The Spirit of God will not lead a man where the grace of God cannot keep him." God has promised His grace is always sufficient when we are weak. Paul said, "That is why for Christ's sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong." (2 Cor 12:10)

Application : How will you praise & thank God in the midst of your suffering & pain?

thanks for joining me in this painful journey of the past,
tsk tsk

my story (5)

the gift of pain

Pain is a gift from God. But it is a gift nobody wants. Who likes pain? Who asks God for pain? No one. But pain is so essential to life. Pain is an indicator that lets us know something is wrong.

Dr Paul Brand, a world-renowned leprosy specialist, said, "Pain has a value that becomes clearest in its absence." Take a look at lepers. Lepers do not have the sensation of pain. They don't feel any pain even if they touch a hot stove or boiling water. As a result, they gradually lose their limbs & wither away.

Someone once asked me, "Is cancer painful?" Cancer is painless in the sense that I never felt any pain when the tumour was quietly & happily growing behind my nose without my knowing. I did not even experience any external symptom such as nose bleed or sinus.

Radiation is also painless; it's like taking x-rays but with a stronger dose. The radiation rays are so powerful they destroy not only the bad cancer cells but also all the surrounding good organs & tissues. As a result, radiation causes many side-effects & after-effects. The side-effects of radiation are immediate & excruciatingly painful.

What were some of the pains I had experienced as a cancer sufferer? See the next instalment ....... akan datang.

Lesson : God can use pain & suffering for our good & for His glory.
The Lord Jesus understands our suffering as He has suffered more than anyone of us. As our Great High Priest, Jesus is able to sympathise with those who are suffering (Hebrews 4:15). Our loving God allows pain & suffering to come into our lives for our good & for His glory (Romans 8:28-30). And God will not allow us to suffer more than we can bear (1 Cor 10:13).

Application : What pain are you going through right now? How will you trust God to use your pain & suffering for His glory?

thanks for joining me in this memorable journey into the past,
tsk tsk

"Tempur" magic pillow

Do you experience pain & aches on your neck & shoulders? I do. And the radiotherapy treatment I received in 2006 worsened my condition. I ended up with stiff neck.

The acupuncture I received was quite effective in relieving the pain & aches. But somehow the relief wears off & I would need to go back for some more acupuncture.

Then Irene Tan, my "emergency angel" came to my rescue. She read about my neck problem on this blog & emailed to tell me about how "Tempur" pillow saved her from a critical neck problem some years back. Her story convinced me. So off I went to look for this magic pillow.

It was such good timing for the Great Singapore Sale (GSS) is now on. I bought the pillow at Robinsons at a 10% GSS discount (with a further 5% discount for Robinsons cardholder). The pillow works like magic. Believe it or not, my neck pain & aches disappeared the first night I slept on it. It's simply amazing! This Tempur pillow is so effective. I now wake up each morning without any neck pain & aches. It looks like I won't need to go for acupuncture from now on.

p/s : Prices before 10% discount. Medium-size = $279. Large-size = $299. There is a 3-year warranty. Beware of fakes or copycats in the market. The genuine Tempur pillow is sold only at established departmental stores like Robinsons, Takashimaya, OG & Tangs. To know more about this magic pillow, please go to http://www.tempur.com.sg/.

Lord, thank You that now I can sleep soundly every night.

tsk tsk

fibroids & tumour markers

If I had not done the PET scan in March, I would not have known there were 5 "babies" (fibroids) sitting in my womb. With God, nothing happens by chance or coincidence. God will lead us to know what He wants us to know when He wants us to know.

This morning I had my 2nd follow-up consultation at O&G, SGH. As usual, I did a womb ultrasound. The results showed the 5 "babies" were still there but had not grown larger; in a sense, this was "good news". The report also revealed a 3cm cyst on the right ovary. As the cyst was less than 5cm, there was no need to take any action now.

But as an added precaution, my gynae arranged for me to do blood tests on the following tumour markers : AFP (alpha foeto protein), CEA (carcino-embryonic antigen) & CA-125. These tumour markers are used to monitor the presence of cancer in the liver, colon & ovary respectively. I thought there was no harm in doing more tests. I would know the results in my next follow-up visit in August.

In the afternoon, a few of us met at Irene's home for tea fellowship. Irene had just returned from a cruise holiday & will be returning to her other home in KL next week. PS, my previous cancer manager, will be leaving for her missions trip to East Timor next week too. And Ruby looks refreshed after her recent church camp in Melaka. These lovely ladies from BSF had walked with me in my journey through cancer. They are my angels, my pillars of support.

I don't have a family in Singapore but God gives me friends who stand by me through thick & thin. They are my spiritual family.

thank You, Lord.
tsk tsk

It's in the valleys that I grow

poem by : Jane Eggleston

Sometimes life seems hard to bear,
Full of sorrow, trouble and woe
It's then I have to remember
That it's in the valleys that I grow.

If I always stayed on the mountaintop
And never experienced pain,
I would never appreciate God's love
And would be living in vain.

I have so much to learn
And my growth is very slow,
Sometimes I need the mountaintops,
But it's in the valleys that I grow.

I do not always understand
Why things happen as they do,
But I am very sure of one thing.
My Lord will see me through.

My little valleys are nothing
When I picture Christ on the cross
He went through the valley of death;
His victory was Satan's loss.

Forgive me Lord, for complaining
When I'm feeling so very low.
Just give me a gentle reminder
That it's in the valleys that I grow.

Continue to strengthen me, Lord
And use my life each day
To share your love with others
And help them find their way.

Thank you for the valleys, Lord
For this one thing I know
The mountaintops are glorious
But it's in the valleys that I grow!

my story (4)

journey into the unknown

After a weary night, I was spiritually & mentally prepared to take on the journey into the unknown. What is the cancer world like? What will be awaiting me there? Will I be able to cope with the pain & suffering? Will I survive the journey & come out of it alive? A journey into the unknown is a scary thought for no one knows what to expect on the other side.

I chose to be treated at the National Cancer Centre, SGH. I had my 1st consultation with the oncologist on 21 Aug 2006. The MRI scan confirmed I had Stage T2N0 nasopharyngeal cancer (NPC), commonly known as nose cancer ("T2N0" means stage 2 cancer with no spread to the lymph nodes). The 2.4 cm tumour was located behind my nose, on the left side. The tumour caused some deafness on my left ear. As Stage 2 NPC was treatable by radiotherapy, my oncologist scheduled me for 33 sessions of radiation from 12 Sep to 30 Oct 2006, lasting about 7 weeks.

My oncologist explained there were 2 types of radiation machines : the old machine which had been in use for the past 30 years, and a newer technology called IMRT (Intensity Modulated Radiation Therapy) which had been in use for only 5 years. Both had pros & cons, but I finally opted for IMRT. I simply trusted God that He had guided me to make the right decision as there was little time to think & I was required to sign the agreement on the spot.

I had to undergo several tests & investigations before radiation began. This was a standard procedure for all new cancer patients to ascertain if cancer had spread to other parts of the body. I had a little scare when a thyroid nodule was picked up by the MRI scan. But the fine needle aspiration biopsy (FNAB) later confirmed the nodule was benign, so my radiotherapy sessions went ahead as scheduled.

I was also required to go for a full dental check-up. This was necessary as any bad or unused tooth must be repaired or extracted before radiation began. I was told that no tooth extraction would be allowed for at least 8 years after radiation due to the threat of infection & blood clotting problems. Radiation not only kills cancer cells but it also destroys or damages all organs on the head & neck including the mouth & teeth.

The journey into the unknown was a bumpy ride which led me through dark valleys. It was the most painful journey in my life.......next instalment akan datang.

Lesson : God will carry us through the dark valleys in our lives.
Our journey through life will take us over the mountains & through the valleys. Our mountaintop experiences are times when our days are bright because the sun is shining above the clouds. Our valley experiences are times when our days are filled with troubles & trials & tribulations. But God made both the mountains & the valleys. Our God is God of the mountains and God of the valleys.

Application : Have you received some bad news that is troubling you? How are you trusting God to carry you through this dark valley?

thanks for joining me in this memorable journey into the past,
tsk tsk

my story (3)

my loneliest night

I came home to a very quiet & lonely apartment. There was no one I could talk to. Lord, where are You?

Tears rolled down my face. I felt so lost & lonely. I tried to make sense of what was happening. I couldn't believe I had succumbed to the very illness I had worked so hard to avoid all these years. I had seen how my late sister had struggled & suffered when she had breast cancer 18 years ago. Haven't I followed the healthy lifestyle as prescribed by health books? Then how come I still have cancer? What has gone wrong? What stage is my cancer? Will I die? How long more can I live? What should I do now? There were so many questions but no answers.

I knelt down beside my bed in desperation. I cried out to the Lord. I questioned, I pleaded, I implored. I told God I was scared. I prayed, "Lord, I don't know what to do but my eyes are on You." I was on my knees for hours, with my Bible before me. I didn't sleep the whole night. I could sense the Lord's presence in my loneliest moments. God saw my anguish, my pain, my fears. I asked the Lord for a Bible verse to assure me He would be with me all the way. I opened my Bible & this verse caught my eyes :

"My flesh and my heart may fail,
but God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever." (Psalm 73:26)

God spoke to me. I heard Him. God had given me His word. God promised He would be my Strength & my Portion forever. That was sufficient. That was all I needed to know - that God was with me & I was not alone. God's words gave me comfort. God's words gave me assurance. God's words gave me hope against all hope. I ended my prayer, "Lord, no matter how hard or uncertain the journey, I know I can trust You all the way."

I lifted myself up. I felt much strengthened. I was ready to begin my journey with cancer. God had assured me He would fight this battle for me. This battle belonged to God. The battle would be fought not in my strength, but in His strength. If God is with me, what do I fear? The words of the psalmist came to my mind, "When I am afraid, I will trust in You......in God I trust; I will not be afraid. What can 'cancer' do to me?" (Psalm 56:3-4)

I spent the wee hours of the morning sending emails to all my contacts. Although tired & hungry, I felt I was ready for the battle ahead of me. God had strengthened me. God had comforted me. God had assured me. I was confident I would win the battle against cancer in the Lord's strength. God is Sovereign & is in full control of my life. I submitted myself to the Lord's will.

The journey into the unknown had just begun. The worst was yet to come. In the coming weeks & months, I suffered the most agonising pain in my life.

............. to be continued in the next instalment.

Lesson : God is strong when we are weak.
When we are at the lowest point in our life, only God's strength is sufficient to sustain us. God is strongest when we are weakest.

Application : What will you do when your burden is so heavy you feel you can't carry on anymore?

thanks for joining me in this memorable journey into the past,
tsk tsk

my story (2)

"What? Nose cancer?"

In early July 2006, after less than 2 weeks of swimming lessons, my left ear developed an unusual ringing sound. I stopped my swimming lesson immediately.

I had a strange feeling something was wrong with my left ear. Maybe water had gone into my ear & it should clear, I thought. When it didn't get better, I went to consult a doctor who prescribed ear drops for infection. But my left ear not only grew worse, it was now blocked. I couldn't hear clearly. I became very concerned. I was referred to an ENT specialist at a public hospital. A biopsy was done on 8 Aug 2006. The result confirmed a malignant tumour behind the nose. I was told I had nose cancer.

The news came as a shock to me. It had started as an innocent ringing sound on my left ear. How could it turn out to be cancer? How could a small problem turn out to be so serious? It just didn't make sense to me. Everything was fine just one month ago. How could things change so fast within a month? I never had problems with my nose before -- no bleeding, no sinus, no running nose. How could I possibly have nose cancer? If it had been breast cancer, I think I would have believed it more easily as my sister had breast cancer. But nose cancer? I wished it was all a dream but it was not. The report was right before me. I had been diagnosed with nose cancer.

I was very calm when the ENT doctor broke the devastating news to me. I was too shocked to cry. But the doctor had tears in her eyes. She probably felt guilty as she knew that her ENT team had failed to do a proper diagnosis of my ear problem. They had time & time again dismissed my fears as unfounded. They kept telling me my ear problem was a "common problem for people your age". It was only after I had made a lot of noise & insisted on more tests to be done that a biopsy was finally performed. And the biopsy result was something they had never expected.

When I came out of the doctor's room, I appeared strong & composed as I walked towards my 3 friends who had come unannounced to be with me. God must have sent these angels although I wanted very much to be alone. They brought me out for dinner. But the minute I reached home that night, when I was all alone in my apartment, I broke down in tears.

........... to be continued in the next instalment.

Lesson : God works behind the scene to protect & care for His own.
Imagine this scenario. If I had not moved into this new apartment, I would not have signed up for swimming lessons. If I had not taken up swimming, I might not have discovered I had cancer until much later. Can you imagine what will happen then?

Application : How will you trust God when things don't turn out the way you had expected?

thanks for joining me in this memorable journey into the past,
tsk tsk

my story (1)

Moving In

I had waited 2 years to move into my new apartment. When TOP was finally granted, I was among the first few to move in. I had written in to Far East Organisation to grant me first priority as the tenancy on my rented flat was expiring in end-Sep 2005. FEO was very kind to grant me my request. I moved to Hillview Regency on 6 Oct 2005.

I enjoyed the new facilities & greeneries. There are 2 adult, 2 children, 1 toddler & 1 aerobics swimming pools within the condo development. Being hydrophobic, I don't enjoy anything that has to do with water such as swimming, boating, fishing, etc. But one day, I told myself I must overcome the fear of water by learning to swim. It seemed so silly & wasteful to pay for the facilities without making use of them. If I could swim, I could save myself should I accidentally fall into the swimming pool. If I could swim, I could play in the water with my nephews & nieces whenever they visited me from Malaysia. So I decided to engage a swimming coach for personal swimming lessons.

I began my first swimming lesson on 23 Jun 2006. I invested $200 on my swimming gear. Each course of 4 lessons cost me $160. Half-way through the 2nd course, my left ear began to give me problems.

............to be continued in the next instalment.

Lesson : With God, nothing happens by chance.
Cancer doesn't happen overnight. God already knew that cancer was growing in my nose years before I discovered it. It was not by chance that I moved into my new apartment. If I had not moved into a condo, I would never have thought of taking up swimming lessons. God's timing is always perfect. He knows when & how to alert us of dangers to our lives.

Application : How will you react when something bad happens to you unexpectedly?

thanks for joining me in this memorable journey into the past,
tsk tsk

my story

In the twinkling of an eye, 2 years have so swiftly flown by.

The 2nd anniversary of that dreadful day is just around the corner. The memory of that dreadful day, which began with an innocent ringing tone in my left ear leading to the shocked discovery of nose cancer, is still so vivid in my mind.

I intend to chronicle my story in a few instalments over the coming weeks. "My story" is written for those who are interested to know what cancer sufferers go through. I hope to draw lessons from my own experience to help others cope with the suffering & pain of a critical illness.

I pray that my story will encourage you to love & trust God always,

tsk tsk

a sister blog

On 16 Apr 2008, I wrote that I would be expanding this blog to bring God's comfort to fellow Christians who are suffering & hurting from cancer. I mentioned that I would include some short write-ups to encourage cancer sufferers & survivors to persevere in the midst of their suffering.

I have since changed my mind. Instead of squeezing everything into this blog, I have started a new sister blog named Romans838.

There is a direct link to both blogs. You can find the link on the top-right of the page. All you need to do is simply to click on the link. For instance, when you are on the "tsk tsk" blog, click on the "romans838" link on the top-right of the page & it will bring you to the "Romans 8:38-39" blog. And vice-versa. It's as easy as ABC.

I hope there is always something to cheer you up each day.

tsk tsk

TCM progress

Yesterday was my fortnightly TCM consultation. It was my 6th visit since 12 April.

Somehow the queue was slower than usual. I was there before 8.30pm but it was 10pm by the time it was my turn to see Dr Cheng. I was his 17th & last patient for the evening. Dr Cheng sees patients only from 7-9pm on Saturdays. It is good to be the last patient as it allows me more time to ask questions.

Dr Cheng is a very patient physician; he spends time explaining & communicating with his patients. Before my consultation with Dr Cheng, I normally drop by my friend's clinic (Dr Goh) to do acupuncture on my neck to relieve stiffness. After my consultation with Dr Cheng, I normally have to wait up to 1 hour to collect my herbs. The pharmacy gives only up to 3 days' supply of herbs at a heavily subsidised price. It's much cheaper than the price I have to pay at other medical shops so it's worth the wait.

Dr Cheng shared with me that his greatest joy as a physician was to see progress in his patients. I could see the joy on his face when he said he was happy to see much improvement in me since the first time I walked into his clinic. This is a true physician, one who is filled with compassion for the sick & is passionate in what he is doing. I am reminded of Jesus, the Great Physician who was always filled with compassion for those who came to Him for healing.

Dr Cheng said that although there were signs of improvement as indicated by my tongue coating & skin colour, my pulse still indicated a weak "qi". He asked if I had a good appetite & if I was eating well as my weight had remained unchanged at 46.5kg. I replied that I had been taking my regular meals. I jokingly asked if the weighing machine was working well as I felt I had put on some weight judging from the pants I wore. I will weigh myself at the NCC next week as I think the digital weighing machine there is more accurate.

My magic pot is buzzing now. It's time to drink my herbal medicine. You know, since the day that magic pot came into my life, drinking the herbal medicine is no longer yukky. It tastes magic. God had turned something yukky into something yummy in my mouth. The magic pot is truly a gift from God.

Thanks for reading & following my blog. It shows you really care about me. I thank God for you.

tsk tsk

breast results

The breast clinic at SGH sees patients only on Fridays so the queue is always long & slow. My 4.35pm appointment became 6.00pm by the time I saw my doctor. Actually the clinic had to switch me to another doctor at the last minute as my original queue was going too slow. It doesn't matter which doctor I see as SGH specialists work in teams under the supervision of a senior doctor.

What is the result of my breast ultrasound? Two nodules of 10mm & 5mm are spotted on the left breast but they appear benign so there is no need for a biopsy. The ultrasound also showed scattered cysts on both breasts. These are common & harmless so I am not the least worried.

I don't know why I forgot to look at my last year's report before I went for my appointment. My last year's report showed there were 2 nodules on my right breast and 4 nodules on my left breast. But my latest report said there are only 2 nodules on my left breast with no mention of any nodules on the right breast. Does that mean 4 nodules had disappeared? Is that a result of TCM treatment? I am curious to know the answer.

Whatever it is, I'm thankful to God for the good results.

tsk tsk

breast check today

I have an appointment at the breast clinic, SGH today to review the ultrasound I took last week. A lump was found on the left breast. I expect my doctor to suggest doing a biopsy, as he did 3 years ago when he removed 2 benign lumps on the right breast. Somehow my heart tells me this new lump will be benign as well. My doctor always reminds me I am in the high risk group as I come from a family of breast cancer. I lost a sister to breast cancer 20 years ago.

"Lord, thank You for giving me Your peace."
tsk tsk

death planning

When I told my friends I was going to spend my BSF break in June doing "death planning", some thought I sounded so morbid while others felt I was so brave to face this forbidden subject.

"Death planning" means planning in the event of death. It includes writing a will, planning for wakes & funerals, leaving instructions how you would like to be preserved on earth (burial or cremation), choosing your favourite hymns, preparing your final speech, saying your last goodbyes. For me, I need to think seriously where I would like to hold my funeral, be buried or cremated, in Singapore or Malaysia - as both countries are very close to my heart.

No living person likes to openly discuss their death. But then this is the reality of life; we never know when God will call us home. There are 3 ways one can die : accident, illness, old age. The trouble is we can't choose how we would like to die. The recent Sichuan earthquake is a good example of how one can die suddenly without the chance to say goodbye to one's family & friends. The lesson is we should be prepared to die anytime. When our time on earth is up, then it's time to go home to eternity. Eternity can be heaven or hell. To my friends who are not Christians, do you know where you will be going after you die - heaven or hell? Jesus is the only passport to heaven. You need to believe in Jesus if you want to go to heaven. This is because the Bible says "Jesus is the way, the truth and the life." (John 14:6)

The irony of life is that some of us are "poor" when we are alive but we are "rich" when we die. What do I mean? If you have done your estate planning or written your will, you will discover that you will leave behind your property, CPF and other savings which might easily add up to a million dollars. We work & work all our lives trying to earn a decent living to feed a family, to pay off mortgages, to settle medical bills & other commitments but when we die, we leave behind money for others to enjoy. And this is the money we need most now when we are alive. This is the irony of life.

I've been wanting to write a will for a long time. It was my recent cancer experience that reminded me not to delay anymore. I have been praying about this since then, asking the Lord how He would like me to give away His money in the event I die. I pray that the Lord will guide me to make the right decision.

"Lord, all I have comes from You. Show me how You like me to use Your money to bless others after I die."

tsk tsk

medical considerations

I visit SGH so often it now seems like a 2nd home to me. I had been there 16 times so far this year, an average of 3 visits a month. As a reminder to myself, below are my medical appointments in the next 3 months.

30 May - breast clinic (to review breast lump)
12 June - O&G (to review fibroids)
3 July - NDC (to repair decaying teeth)
23 July - NCC (regular follow-up)
7 Aug - NDC (to repair decaying teeth)
28 Aug - thyroid ultrasound & FNAC
18 Sep - ENT (to review thyroid nodule)

The Ministry of Health revised its hospital subsidy for PRs with effect from Jan 2008. The hospital subsidy was reduced by 5 percentage-point in Jan 2008 & will be reduced by another 5 percentage-point in July 2008. And with effect from Jan 2009, hospital subsidy will be subject to means-testing. I accept the rationale that these changes are necessary to differentiate between Singapore citizens & PRs.

Before 2008, Spore citizens & PRs received the same govt subsidy for the same class of ward. I am thankful for the 60-70% govt subsidy I had enjoyed in 2006-2007 when I underwent cancer treatment as a B2 patient. I am glad I had bought personal insurance when I was still young & healthy. This insurance turned out to be a blessing as it paid almost all my medical bills then.

With medical costs going up & govt subsidy coming down, is it time for me to give serious thought to whether I should apply for Spore citizenship? This is something that has been bugging me this year. The situation has changed; the rules have changed; maybe it's also time for me to change my thinking.

Singapore or Malaysia? It seems like a simple decision to make but I tell you it's not. It has given me a lot of headache.......& pain as well. It is not easy to give up something that is close to your heart. I will have to sit down to do some analysis and planning. This is also a major decision which I cannot make alone. I need the Lord's guidance.

All these years, my decision to remain a PR was guided by this scripture verse : "From one man He made every nation of men, that they should inhabit the whole earth; and He determined the times set for them and the exact place where they should live." (Acts 17:26). I had always believed that it is God's will to make me a Malaysian; it is also God's will to bring me to Singapore. So I must ask God before I make any changes to my national status.

"Lord, please guide me to make a wise decision regarding where You want me to be."

tsk tsk

a gift from God

God's love & care for His own overwhelms me. There are times when I don't pray aloud for a specific need, yet God sees the unexpressed desire of my heart & gives me a pleasant surprise when He meets my need in an unexpected way. This is the true heart of a loving Father towards His children. This is my personal experience of God.

I thank God for leading me to seek TCM treatment as the alternative way to improve my health. God knows how serious I am in wanting to get well. God sees how I struggle each day to brew & drink the herbs. In an earlier blog posting, I had mentioned how nice it would be if someone could brew the herbs for me! God answered the desire of my heart in an unexpected way.

On Tuesday, I received an email from a dear friend. Irene Tan (a previous BSF CL), a Singaporean living in KL, read my blog & responded immediately to my need. She said she has an electric-powered TCM earthern pot which can auto-brew the herbs to the desired level. The pot has an auto buzzer which will give out a loud buzzing sound when the herbs are ready. Someone had mentioned about this TCM pot to me last year but I had forgotten all about it. Irene said she would bring the pot for me in her next trip back from KL.

On Wed, when I was at SGH, Irene called to say her dad bought a few pots last year and he so "happened" to have one pot left unused! Irene arranged to pick me up from Dover MRT on my way home from SGH so that she could pass me the TCM pot. Irene wrote later, "I now don't think my dad was so crazy to buy so many pots at one go afterall. It looks like God used my dad to stock a pot for you since last year." I was moved to tears. I am touched to see the way God loves & cares for me.

I now use the magic TCM pot to brew herbs every night. I am deeply impressed. The pot does the job for me perfectly. There is no need to set the alarm clock anymore. There is no need to worry about spilling or over-brewing anymore. There is no need to constantly check the water level anymore. A loud buzzing sound will alert me once the herbal medicine reaches the right level. Even if I miss the buzz, the pot will automatically switch to "warm" after 30 seconds. The herbal medicine will not dry up. What a clever invention indeed!

Brewing herbs has now become a breeze. The best thing is the TCM pot enhances the quality of the herbal medicine. The medicine tastes thicker & tastier. Now I enjoy drinking the bitter-sweet herbal medicine!

"Lord, thank You for using Irene & her dad to meet my need.
Lord, thank You for your gift."

tsk tsk

What did the tests reveal?

Breast ultrasound
I quietly asked the radiographer if she saw anything suspicious on my breasts. She showed me the ultrasound picture which spotted a lump on my left breast, plus other cysts on both breasts. She assured me, "don't worry, it looks harmless" & added that my doctor would advise me accordingly next Friday.

Thyroid nodule
My previous PET scan had suspected a left thyroid nodule, amongst other things, so my ENT doctor is referring me to do further tests. I had an operation 8 years ago to remove a right thyroid nodule which was benign. This left thyroid nodule was already spotted during an MRI scan I did in 2006 before my radiation treatment but FNAB confirmed it was benign. My oncologist had said the radiation could reduce the nodule as the rays passed through the neck area. It looks like there is a bit of the nodule left. Or maybe it is a new growth.

"Thank You, Lord, that my flesh & my heart may fail but You are the strength of my heart & my portion forever." (Psalm 73:26)

tsk tsk

what a day!

Yesterday was a real test of my physical strength & stamina. I was surprised at myself that I could do so many things, walked so many miles without feeling tired or breathless.

7.00 am - waky, waky......had oats for breakfast, drank Chinese "coca-cola" (herbal medicine).
9.00 am - took MRT to Outram Park; walked to Chinatown (Temple St) to place orders for 10pkt of TCM herbs; instead of walking back to Outram Park, took bus to Outram Rd; walked to SGH Blk 1 (instead of taking SGH shuttle bus which by this time always has a long queue).
10.30 am - registered for mammogram & breast ultra-sound.
12.15 pm - completed above; walked to Blk 4 food court for lunch.
1.15 pm - walked to National Dental Centre for 1.30pm dental appointment; Dr Png spent one hour fitting & trying the new denture on me.
2.40 pm - arrived 20min late for ENT appointment. As usual, ENT clinic is always crowded & slow.
3.55 pm - waited more than one hour for my turn - this is "normal". Dr Chiew did a thorough check on my ear, nose, throat, said everything was clear; reviewed previous PET scan results & referred me to do thyroid ultrasound & FNAC (fine needle aspiration cytology).
4.30 pm - walked to Diagnostic Radiology dept to book appointments for above. Appointment was fixed for 25 Aug.
5.00 pm - whew! done with all my SGH appointments; walked to Chinatown to pick up my herbs; walked back to Outram Pk MRT.
6.30 pm - Irene Tan (BSF) picked me up at Dover MRT to drive me home (please read separate story on this).
7.05 pm - reached home; washed up; cooked simple dinner.
8.15 pm - brewed TCM herbs
10.45pm - drank Chinese "coca-cola"
12.00 mn - sweet dreams zzzzzzzzzzz

That was a 17-hour marathon without any rest in between. Strange thing was I didn't feel tired or breathless, even when I was walking at super-speed from SGH to Chinatown & back to Outram Pk under the scorching sun. It was another good sign that my body was probably regaining its strength. A friend was amazed & said that even a normal person could not walk the miles I had walked. Those who know me would know that I had always loved walking & that I am a fast walker too. I look forward to the day when I can resume my regular walks in nature parks.

I would love to try the newly opened "Southern Ridges", a 9km walk through the rolling hills of Mount Faber, Telok Blangah Hill, Kent Ridge Park & ending at West Coast Park. It would be such an exciting experience, walking on high bridges & enjoying the natural surroundings that God has created for our enjoyment. Is anyone game enough to join me?

I thank God for sustaining me,
tsk tsk